so, for some odd reason.. today has been the first day since mine & jesse’s argument last tuesday that i’ve actually sat down & not been able to get my mind off of him. idk what it is or why. its really bothering me tho. i really dont understand why.. jesse treated me like crap & always blamed me for things i didnt even do. its like he was trying to find ways to not be with me the whole time. & this time, this relationship; i know its not my fault. because i know jesse’s immature & i never should have thought that he was actually going to be ready for a long-term commitment. which is what i want, its what i always want.

matt said to me the other day, “you know, it seems like you’re out to find a forever-thing & nothing short termed.” & i said back, “yeah, short time is only fun for awhile; i feel like the short-terms are a waste of my time” he agreed. ugh its aggravating. i can’t stand it tho, WHY do i even care?

its exactly what the quote says, sometimes, you DO have to forget how you feel and you have to remember what you deserve, because i know damn well i dont deserve how jesse treated me. i just dont, nobody does. its not right.

..lately hanging out with adam has been amazing. we have so much fun, he makes me laugh. i love when a guy can make me laugh. adam has me laughing ALL the time; there’s never ever ever a dull moment with him. we can be sitting there, not talking about anything & i’m still having a good time. adam & i haven’t come out & told eachother we like eachother, but i’m pretty sure its obvious. duhh. we don’t always have something to say to eachother, but its never awkward either. sadly, i am excited to see what becomes of us.

ahhh.

“i’m going to be the girl that your ex girlfriend hates, the girl that your mom loves & the girl you’ll never EVER forget”

today.. i woke up at 11 & came upstairs, went to the bathroom & decided to jump on the scale. 129.4. how in the world do i keep losing weight? moms going to flip when she reads this & sees that i’m still losing.. but i AM eating. & no, i’m not doing drugs.

so.. i went & hung out with jesse today. of course when i got there, he had that “i dont care” attitude again. i wore shorts up there & a fitted tee. after a minute of me standing there, he looks at me & says, “you would” & i had a feeling it was about something i was wearing, but i just ignored it & sat down. we ended up talking about a lot. i told him i couldnt/wouldnt be with him if he kept accusing me of things & telling me, “we’re done”. & he said ok and that he wouldnt do it any more. he told me again that he wants to be with me, but he’s scared that i’ll hurt him.

at times, we kind of sat there in silence.. while watching tv, across the room from eachother. i asked him, “what are you thinking about?” & he just smiled at me. i asked again & he said, “you probably already know, so idk why you ask.” he walked out of the room, came back in (which would be behind me, so i couldnt see him) & he walked right up to me & just kissed me. for quite awhile. i was pretty shocked, but just took it in. & when we stopped, he said. “that. that is what i was thinking about.” heyy.. no complains here.

after awhile, we ended up cuddling & kissing more. i told jesse that i didnt want to have the type of relationship where we had sex, but were only friends. & he goes, “ok? so we don’t have to have sex then.” he sounded like he was surprised i had said it, kind of made me think he wasn’t expecting sex to begin with. & of course somewhere throughout our talk, we both asked the other if they’d been with anybody else. we both replied with “no”. so thats good.

i had noticed jesse’s ex gf brittany had kind of stopped talking to him on his fb & i asked him why. he said she asked him if she could go visit jesse in CR.. drive to his place from her’s.. which she lives in the QC. & jesse told her no, that it wasn’t a good idea. she asked why & he told me he had told her that he was thinking about getting back with me & that he still had a lot of feelings for me. apparently brittany said he was stupid for wanting to be with me again & then hasn’t talked to him since. that made me feel good. i never did get the feeling that brittany liked me, but hey what can i do about it?

while cuddling, i asked jesse what he meant when he said, “you would” when i had walked in the door. he goes, “you would.. walk in my apartment, looking all sexy” HA! thankssss. i replied with, “idk about that” & he followed with, “i do.” after kissing, jesse looked at me & said, “i love you.” ohh boyyy.. then just be with me already. of course i told him i loved him too.

he had made plans to hang out with friends.. so i was only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but i think enough was accomplished. jesse also told me that he wanted us to hang out more, like we use to. (not as much obviously, but more than seeing eachother every 2 weeks like we have been). & i agreed, so we’ll see. he now works thursday-monday & gets every tuesday & wednesday off, so that kind of stinks that we only have 1 day off together now. but hopefully it’ll all work out. he also told me to text him or call him later & before i ever had the chance to text him, he was already texting me.

i sure did miss that boy. him kissing me was like i fell in love all over again. seriously, after he kissed me, i couldnt stop smiling. i felt like a little school girl. haha.

..hopefully this one goes in my favor & we get back together!

i remember saying after me & darrell broke up that i wanted to be chased. i wanted somebody to be so involved around me & crazy about me, like i had been about bryan. and then darrell. & now jesse.

mom pointed out to me while me & jesse were dating that that was how jesse was with me. there was never a day that passed by that jesse didnt tell me i was beautiful. whether i had just got done puting make-up on, or if i had just opened my eyes, just barely waking up, to see him looking at me. me, my hair all a mess & my make-up smeared from sleeping on it. “you’re beautiful,” he use to tell me. & he use to send me the most random text messages, “i love you”, “i cant wait to see you”. he use to send me texts saying, “you’re so amazing. i love how you make me feel.”

i miss how jesse use to let me fall asleep on his chest. all cuddled up, his arms around me, my head on his chest; him kissing my forehead. one time, i had fallen asleep next to jesse on his living room floor; i woke up to jesse puting an arm under my shoulders & an arm under my legs. he lifted me up & carried me to his bed. like i was a baby.. something he didnt have to take care of, but wanted to. i remember just wrapping my arms around him. you know.. like a scene from a movie or something, on the couple’s wedding night. that was how he carried me..

i hate how when we talk, we usually start off good, but end up arguing. jesse’s scared that i’m going to hurt him. i’ve lied to him once, a little innocent lie, but apparently it was enough to scare him. he’s scared that because i have lied to him before, that it’ll be so easy for me to do it again. when i dont want to hurt jesse, i want to be with him. but he’s scared, he really is. whether he actually admits to it or not, he has this guard, like a wall.. surrounding his heart because he doesnt want to be hurt. i actually think thats why jesse’s been around.. 14 not 43 mom, lol. but because he knew it was just for the fun, knew nothing serious was going to come of it.

jesse admitted to me after we broke up that he was starting to scare himself with the words he said to me. when he started telling me that he wanted us to move in together & could see us together for a long time. i could see those things too; but i told him that i dont make way-out-there future plans because i had before & i’m not about to do it again, just to get shot down. but in a way, i think i did. because if i hadnt.. why would i honestly be this hurt?

what jesse & i need is to get together & just talk. about everything. how we feel about us, about our relationship, our friendship. everything. but jesse has this little shield up to protect him. he’s scared. he’s really confusing actually.. he wanted to surprise me tuesday by coming by WL. he had even talked to matt about it, but then texted me at 3:30 tuesday morning to say he didnt know whether it was a good idea or not because, he’s “frustrated with me. …with us, the whole situation”. so am i! this definitely hasnt been a walk in the park for me.

jesse seems to think this whole thing has been easy for me. because the day after we broke up, i went downtown with friends to drink & dance. what was i suppose to do? sit at home & cry? i’ve done that before, i’m not doing that again. like mom said, i can’t afford to lose another 40 lbs because of some boy. i’ve actually lost about 5 since jesse & i have been broken up.

my plan: is to not contact jesse & let him contact me first. i’ve done this twice now. the first time, was because jesse told me he needed his space; then a day & a half later, he calls me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he loves me. the next time i did it, lasted about half a day, when jesse texts me saying he’s done with me, because he heard i supposedly hung out with his bestfriend. umm no. definitely didnt do that one. but as you know, we didnt stop talking.

i just want jesse to realize that he misses me. he admitted yesterday that he does love me. which made me feel good but then wonder why we’re not together. ahhh. i almost feel like i want this more than i wanted me & bryan to get back together. i cried so much more when bryan & i broke up.. but like i told mom today, its not that heartbreak gets easier, but you already know what it feels like & whats going to happen next, so its not as big of a shock as the first time you get your heart broken.

moral of the novel i just wrote; i miss jesse karl. =(

i want him back.

jesse & i were suppose to talk on the phone after he got off work yesterday, but instead he texted me & asked if i had to work on tuesday. i said i didnt & he asked me to come up so that we could talk & hang out then. because he wants to, “do this in person”. whatever that means..

idk what to expect, idk if he’s planning on asking me back out or if he’s planning on us just being friends. i have nooo idea. i’m scared, nervous. everything imaginable.

to make a long story short, i went up to CR tonight.. to eventually see jesse.

we didnt really talk at first, so we sent texts back & forth because he was being an ass. finally, i got through to him & told him that i really just wanted to talk to him; & threw in the ‘please’ too. after that text, he said “ok fine. we’ll go talk after this fight is over.” (we were watching ufc at bww’s.) when the fight was over, he texted me, “lets go” so we got up & went out to his explorer.

RIGHT away, jesse had that smirk on his face, his “i’m going to say idc but inside, i do” smirk. so right away, i knew he had plenty going through his mind. –hold on. darryl worley- i miss my friend is on.. 1 of my songs to jesse at the moment. UGH.– anyways, we got to his truck & after him being dumb, saying he didnt know what my deal was, blah blah. he finally let his guard down & said the main reason he broke up with me was because i didnt trust him. that he wasn’t bryan or darrell & he wasnt going to cheat on me or break up with me for somebody else. also that i take the littlest things & make them out to be something huge. especially when he’s talking to his friends, that are girls. & i have to agree; things i’ve gotten mad about have been pretty innocent, but i get to thinking & just assume he’s going to do something that bryan’s done.

then we left bww’s. i went with jesse & he wanted taco bell, so i went with him. after awhile, he made me tell him why exactly it was that i wanted to be with him. he told me how hard it was for him to sit there at the same table as me at bww’s because he hates that we’re not together & its really hard for him to be away from me. he continued to tell me that he loves me & wants to be with me, but he doesnt want us to keep arguing & go back to how we were towards the end of our relationship.

then, we leave. & i’m all down & everything. he notices, tells me to call him tmrw night & we can talk about what we’re going to do relationship-wise. that he thought we both needed the extra day to completely think about what we want & how we feel. he dropped me off at my car, our song (james otto- just got started loving you) came on & right away, i asked him to turn it & i covered my face.. i was seriously about ready to just start bawling. he says he’s sorry & changes the music. tells me to text him when i get home, so that he knows i got home safely. & tells me he loves me, looks at me for the longest time, then kisses me; a long kiss on the lips. then looks at me again & kisses me again. “love you” & “see ya” and i get in my own car.

i’m scared, nervous, excited, crushed. idk what to do. i hope he realizes he wants to be with me. i know i HAVE to stop with my whole jealousy thing. mom’s beem telling me since the beginning. ahh its hard. but i have to if i want this to work.

i hope i hope. <3

so i havent written in quite awhile, but jesse & i are no longer together.. its a confusing situation really.

when jesse first broke up with me i didnt take it very hard.. bc i thought that was what i wanted too, but now that we’ve been broken up for awhile now & i havent seen him in a week, its becoming a lot harder. when i’m out i think about how its not so bad, because i have time with friends, i dont have somebody texting me all the time wanting to know what i’m up to & who i’m with.. but now that its no longer here, i want it back.

i ALWAYS do this. & i know its not all my fault, people are going to tell me the samethings they told me with bryan. i know everybodys just trying to help, but i’m 19 years old. i think i can make my own decisions.. ya know?

i know i put myself into a relationship way too much. its almost like i do it, knowing that the outcome is more than likely not going to be a good one, but you can’t seriously base your dating on that. me & jesse were doing amazing there for awhile. we always laughed, always had fun. but then it was like we spent too much time together, so we got bored of eachother & we picked fights with eachother just for something to do. i know it sounds stupid, but thats exactly how it was.

jesse told me once, “you know.. i was sitting here thinking about how we always argue. & how i can change it, but then i realized that that’s just us. thats just how we are, we argue, we get over it, we’re us again. thats what we do.” & he’s so right. thats what we do, we’re both stubborn, always think we’re right & always want the last word. thats US.

jesse told me all these things & what he wants.. & i’m trying to accept it. right now, he wants space.. its so freaking hard. im going to try not talking to him until he talks to me first.. like i did with bryan. but with jesse, unlike with bryan.. i know jesse misses me. he’ll randomly text me.. he’ll tell me where he’s at, or what he’s doing. or how just yesterday, we hadnt talked all day & he sent me a text saying, “love you”. i sent him one back saying, “love you most.” bc thats something we always use to say to eachother. & he replied with, “you wish you loved me more than i do you”. thats us. thats me & jesse.

i know, ppl think im setting myself up to get hurt again like i did with bryan. i really hope things are different & me n jesse will get back together. thats what i want. but you know.. if it doesnt happen, its not like i cant get over it, i have before.. i will again. its just a shitty thing to go thru.

dad told me earlier, “well emily, we talked last week & this is what you wanted. you wanted to be single & have your own fun.” thats what i THOUGHT i wanted; thats why i wasnt going to break up with jesse, bc i had the same feelings before while dating bryan. i thought i would rather have been single, but then i’d stick it out & realize.. “this really is what i want, i wouldnt change it for anything”.

my song to jesse has been, “miss me baby” by chris cagle ever since he broke up with me. actually.. before he even did. he knew it too. & now today, i get on msn just to see if theres anybody on worth talking to & jesse’s on with just his display name, which is his last name. then next to my display name, “emily” i write.. “i need to be strong. because things WILL get better. it might be stormy now, but the rain won’t last forever..” & then after a bit, i notice jesse is no longer online. then a lil window pops up that jesse’s online again & it has his last name as his display name plus, “miss me baby..”.

so what does that mean? does it mean he misses me & thats how hes going to show it? or what.. i dont get it. i wish i could read people’s minds, life would be so much easier. ughh. i love him & i dont want to be hurt again..

..for me! i love how pretty much everything is going in my life right now!!

jesse & i are doing great. i spent most of the wkend at home, so i got to spend some time with the parents. i got a fat paycheck on friday. i went shopping saturday. kay & i are finally talking again!! & everything seems to be back to ‘normal’ with us. i love my job ..stessful at times, but i still love it!

so i went shopping on saturday & i wear a size FIVE in jeans now. thats pretty much amazing, i’ve always been a size 7 when i was thinner, last year at this time i was a size 11!!! its insane. i weighed myself friday morning & i weigh 136 even. i’m STOKED.

so thats whats been going on with me.

=]

i’m getting my tonsils removed may 8th.

..9 days before mike & steph’s wedding. boy do i hope i’m feeling better by then! i’m most idk, paranoid i guess.. that i’m going to lose weight before the wedding. & i love my dress, i love the way my dress looks on me & i really don’t want to look too thin for it. or be too weak for the wedding.

i just hope i can eat normal & all that by then. i probably won’t be able to.. i told jesse that he’s going to have to make special trips to mickey d’s for shakes pretty much every day so that i can at least eat something. haha.

i’m not even going to be able to eat lunch for mother’s day! geez, what a bad time to get my tonsils removed.

ever just wonder ‘why’? i do.. a lot, it seems.

i wonder why about a lot of things, but lately i wonder the most about why i do this to myself.

WHY do i think about bryan when i have somebody that loves me as much as jesse does? its not even really that i miss bryan, its more that i kind of miss how we were. what i thought we had. idk. things are going great with jesse, i seriously probably couldn’t ask for things to be any better, but why does bryan always pop into my head? the times i think about him the most are when i’m driving to or from CR.. usually on my way home, just because my mind waunders when i’m driving. i think about a lot of things.

its probably because jesse’s my 1st serious relationship after my relationship with bryan. like sometimes, the things jesse says remind me of what bryan had said. or when we’re listening to music & a part comes up that jesse feels is how he feels towards me, he’ll squeeze my hand. & sometimes those are songs that me & bryan had talked about. IDK. its annoying me, really. point blank, thats what its doing to me. i dont know why i care, i don’t know why it matters.

everything happens for a reason, bryan & i didn’t work out for a reason. jesse may be the reason, he may not be. THATS ANOTHER THING!

..sad but true. i feel as though, i don’t always put my all into me & jesse.  & i feel really bad because i know this really upsets him.. but especially right at the beginning of our relationship, i really liked jesse. but i kept telling myself, “if it doesnt work out, it won’t ruin me; bc it just didnt work”. kind of like i don’t put emotion into it. when i know i do, because i love jesse, i really do. & i know if we broke up, i think i’d be really upset, but then parts of me think i’d be like, ‘ehh, ok’.

idk what my deal is.

..IS KILLING ME!!!

i hate it. im sick & tired of it. literally.

hopefully mom can get me an appointment tomorrow to figure out what the heck the deal is. i can barely open my mouth without feeling like my left tonsil is being split wide open. its horrible.

that & it took me a half an hour to eat HALF a sandwhich. thats how bad it is, bc 1. i cant open my mouth & 2. its so hard to swollow! ughh.

i know, pity emily.. haha. but i just really hope we can figure out whats wrong with me this time around. because i’d really love to be able to feel ‘normal’ again. =/