MY relationship.
in reguards to my mom’s post.
i DO know that me & bryan are broken up, i DO know that he is free to do what he wants. & so am i. i do not feel that he is “using me” as my parents say. he stays here.. yes. thats because i care for him & he cares for me too. mom & dad go on saying over & over “we think he’s using you, he’s just telling you he loves you to strike his ego”. but the thing is you do not know that. you do not know bryan like i know him. no, i don’t have “blinders” on. i can see, i’m not stupid. i know, you’re going to say “we never said you were stupid, we’re just trying to watch out for you”.
and i understand that. i really & truly do. but you guys telling me that he can’t stay over any more.. thats heartbreaking. & no, i don’t necessarily think you’re going to make it so that i’m losing my chance with him, but i do feel thats disrespectful.. like i’ve said before. i know its your house, but this is my house too. this is where bryan has also lived.
i talked to him today on the phone & he told me that he still feels everything that we talked about before he left. so that means he still feels we have a pretty big chance of getting back together & he still loves me. even if we don’t get back together, i’m pretty sure we’ll be pretty good friends. so IF we break up, i might still have him over from time to time as a friend.. is that too, going to bother you?
i’m just saying.. i know you guys are trying to watch out for me, but i think you should let me do this on my own. its mine & bryan’s relationship. not mine & bryan’s, ohh & your’s & dad’s too. bc its not, its mine & bryan’s. so let us figure this out.
i do love him. & he says he loves me.. and i believe him; bc i have no reason not to. maybe it’s my fault you & dad are so far into this.. because i’ve told you so much & cried to you guys so much. & if that is the reason why.. i’m sorry. but i think this is something that we need to do ourselves. & if i want to talk to you guys about it.. i hope you’ll be there to listen. but i can’t take you guys continually telling me things that are just making me 2nd guess myself.
please let him stay over thanksgiving break.. let us figure things out. like i told you earlier too mom.. if he comes to me & says theres no way we’re going to ever get back together again.. obviously i’m not going to say “oh, its ok.. you can still stay here though”. thats not how its going to be.. we just need our time.
Amanda & Dustin’s Wedding.
Amanda & Dustin’s wedding was a lot of fun. I thought they had a pretty good turn-out at the church. It was funny, the typical thing you’d expect to see at this wedding (with these 2). And then their reception.
Their reception was a lot of fun, drinking & dancing. I love dancing. It really & truly is one of my favorite things to do. I don’t really enjoy it as much if I don’t drink, but its definitely a lot of fun. I danced to a lot of the songs with a lot of different people. Mostly girls in a group, but I also danced with Wachs & Dustin. Haha. No slow dances for me. =( But, what do you expect? I don’t have a significant other. The DJ came at 8 & was done at midnight. After that, we went the Corner Tap & hung out there for awhile; danced to a few songs there too. Ordered pizza, then went home. I wasn’t really ready to come home, but I was becoming extremely tired, so it was probably for the better.
Overall, it was a good night. =]
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things i need to do:
-e-mail my sister-
now e-mail my uncle ric
-go through my clothes & figure out which ones i want & which ones i don’t
-save $.. always.
-keep off the weight i’ve lost
-if i keep off the weight i’ve lost, go shopping for new clothes
-stop skipping class
-write my 5 minute speech thats due tuesday
relationship status lately.
So.. Bryan got ahold of me on Wednesday, just to tell me he was sorry he hadn’t contacted me. That was really nice to hear, and really good to hear from him too. Thursday we talked again on the internet, Friday we talked on the phone about his torn ACL. Saturday we didn’t talk at all & then today I called him. I know I shouldn’t have, but lately.. I’ve been missing him so much. Maybe it was just the wedding & seeing everybody with their significant others.. but, I don’t know. Either way, I miss him. I had a dream the other day that he broke up with me (which was true), but then started hanging out with this girl that we went to school with, that now attends UNI. I told him about my “bad dream” today & he goes “yeap, you’re right. that’s a pretty bad dream.” ha. Funny guy. =] I miss him. I’m pretty sure he misses me too, he just hasn’t said it yet. But he does tell me he loves me every time we talk & he says it first. So its not like he’s saying it just because he feels guilty that I say it. If that makes sense?
My other.. other, I guess. He.. really isn’t anything to me, friends, but nothing more; maybe a tad bit of a crush. Richie, out of the blue started texting me on Thursday. He started texting me around 2:30ish & we didn’t stop texting until 9:30 that night. =O That’s a long time for us to text.. & there never really was any big pauses, it was just continuous texting. I mean there were some pauses obviously, because I was in class from 7:30-9 but, other then that.. we just texted the whole time. It was pretty great, I’m not going to lie. It was nice talking to somebody else & also, being told he finds me “attractive”. Haha, man I hope he doesn’t somehow read this.. that would be embaressing. But, it was very nice talking to him. We continued talking Friday, but not as much because he was working. I’m not actually sure how he got to text me so early on Thursday? But.. anyways, it’s just been really nice. We haven’t texted as much this weekend, but maybe that’s just because he’s got other things going on? I don’t really know.. but I hope we continue to text eachother. We talked about my last trip down to Florida & what “could have been” I guess. & he told me I should make a trip down there with a few friends for spring break. Funny boy, we shall see.
Also, this other boy.. haha, I don’t even know this kid. But its my sister-in-law’s cousin. He is gorgeeeeous. This boy is a sight for sore eyes. =] There’s nothing going on with him, I’ve never even talked to him, but Crystal wants us to hang out altogether sometime. I doubt it’ll happen, but I don’t really know.
All of this actually makes it sound like I’m over Bryan. & really, I’m not. Bryan has been a huge part of my life & still is now. I guess I’m just keeping my options open for now.
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not exactly becoming easier.
2 days we’ve been broken up. things aren’t exactly easier, but i’m trying to calm down about things. & give him some time. i talked to him this morning & he hasn’t heard any news on when his surgery is going to be. i asked him to contact me when he found out & he said he would.. but who knows when he’ll find out & when he’ll call..
i dont necessarily think that he wont call at all, its more of he won’t call as often as i want him to. so therefore, it stinks. crystal made a good point to me today. that maybe he doesn’t want to talk as much as i do, but at least he IS picking up my phone calls. he could just ignore them & not pick up or return my calls at all. so thats a plus, i guess. plus, i need to not call him. mom & dad made a good point yesterday saying that i need to give him time to miss me. i’m just scared that it won’t be for awhile. i miss him already, so why doesn’t he miss me?
he said he might come home some weekend before thanksgiving break with davy. but that he doesn’t want to drive down himself bc of his knee, which i can see. but it also depends on when they both work, bc sometimes they work opposite weekends so then they might not be able to come down together. thanksgiving break is in about 3 1/2 weeks for him. its going to be so hard not seeing him until then, but also maybe him not seeing me for that long will help him realize he misses me.
as far as i know, he plans on staying here at my house over thanksgiving break.. i mean his stuff is still here. i guess, at least thats what i’m hoping. =/ we shall see tho.
this is probably going to be the longest 3 1/2 weeks EVER.
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done.
Bryan came home yesterday, with a hurt knee.. so we spent almost the entire day at 1 type of doctor’s office or the other. He tore his ACL completely & tore his maniscus in 2 different spots. Poor guy. He’s probably going to spend at least the next 2 months on crutches. He’s scheduled to have surgery at the U of I on Tuesday, but he’s hoping to get the surgery done up in CF so that way he’s closer to classes. I don’t know, the way I see it.. I wish he would have just gotten it done here, stayed here this weekend & left Tuesday after his surgery if it was at all possible. He makes it seem like he’s going to be able to go right back to class but I don’t think so.. so we shall see.
Today we broke up. It hurts me & I’m upset, of course.. but I know I can’t just sit here & not go on with life. Mom says I’m not near as bad as she thought I’d be. I went through a lot of heart ache this past week, but I think if Bryan wouldn’t have told me last weekend & had just told me today he wanted to break up then I would have been devastated.
He told me yesterday that he’s 90% sure that we’ll get back together. I just hope he’s right. I gave him back the promise ring he gave me our sophomore year.. I told him he could give it back to me whenever he felt the time was right. I miss that ring already.. I miss him already. I just don’t know. I know I have to give it time, I hope to God he realizes soon that he wants & needs to be with me too.
But I’ll just go day-by-day..
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why?
why is this happening? why can’t we go back to how we were? why can’t we just talk about it, without the break? why do we need to go on a break? why did i have to continue questioning your trust? why didn’t i just believe you from the beginning? why, why, why did i have to keep pushing you? why didn’t i know to stop? why didn’t i know that you were going to get fed up with it?
i know i made it seem like i didn’t trust you. i do, i swear i do. especially since you’ve told me so many of your feelings this weekend. i’m sorry i didn’t realize this before, but i wish you could have told me without wanting the break. i can fix this to make us better. i promise.
i promise i will stop nagging on you. i will stop questioning what you do with your friends while you’re up at UNI. i love you & i trust you.
no matter what, you will always have my heart. no matter what.
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my pretty eventful day.
so today, i woke up knowing that i was going to be leaving for cedar falls right after i got out of class. i of course though, waited til the last minute to get all my stuff in my car. 
i was late getting out of the bathroom, i still had to get gas.. my friend that was suppose to be meeting me up here tomorrow to go to the football game text me & said she could no longer go. i had decided to not tell bryan just yet because i figured it would be better to talk to him about it in person so he wasn’t upset. went to both of my classes. had a pretty nice drive up here & then my friend text me back & said she was able to cancel whatever it was that she had needed to do for saturday so she could now go. that made me pretty happy!!
seeing bryan was great. aww. it made me so happy, he of course though, wasn’t here when i got here. go figure, the kid sucks with time, always has & probably always will. i swear on our wedding day i’m going to have to tell him to be there 2 hours ahead of schedule. but anyways, when he did get here, we hugged & kissed and it was so completely good too see him! we went to lunch at pizza hut, came back here and what does he do? he falls asleep. what a party pooper. but then he woke up not too long later because he had to work.
so i hung out here for awhile, then BJ called & i hung out with him for awhile. we went down to this little restaurant they have here thats just a mixture of all these different foods. afterwards, we went to the mall & walked around for awhile. got back, went to his room & played mario brothers 3!! on nintendo, which was cool. 
) then we headed over to abby’s to hang out there for a bit & then BJ had to go to some band thing so I came back here to bryan’s dorm room. now i’m waiting on him to get home from work. i hope its soon, its 9:30 now & i’m getting pretty lonely! plus his futon is really starting to hurt my butt! so i hope he gets off soon.
until then, i’ll either just lay here & watch some more of mr. & mrs. smith or stay on the computer..
hope everybody had a good day!
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this week so far.
so i started getting this weird “chilled” feeling on friday night while mom, dad, keira & i went out to eat at el ranchero. i thought maybe it was just because they had the a/c on & it wasn’t too bad out but none the less, i was sitting there shaking so cold. that night i had cold sweats. man i hate those. they’re horrible. you’re so cold you’re covered up in every inch of the blanket you can get, but yet you sweat & ugh, its uncomfortable.
so i called in sick on saturday, i don’t think darryll was happy, but hey, such is life guy. i’ve worked there for the past 5 months & that was the 1st time i called in. i think he also gets mad that i take off some weekends due to seeing bryan, but he knew that was going to happen. i told him this before bryan even left. plus, he just recently got an older lady to start working there, she works 10-2 on both saturday & sunday for some extra money. yet, he still insists on having me work 9-3. working register from 9-10 & then again from 2-3.. all the time in between he has me doing busy work. idk, it doesn’t make sense to me, yes those are usually easy days but come on. he made it sound like the point of hiring her was because i like some weekends off & so does everybody else.. idk.
he told me at the beginning of the school year that if i feel i need less hours because of school than to let him know. okay, so i don’t work all that much but when i am there, he acts like i don’t have anything else in the world to think about/do. he’s okay with me bringing in my homework, but what good is it when i have a customer every few minutes? & sometimes i’m at the register for 20-30 minutes at a time because we get busy. idk, i’m kind of bored with that job but what else is new?
that’s why i know i need to go to school, but school is yet another subject. i’m assuming its just the getting up early but man do i hate going. i think next semester i might try to mix some online classes with regular classes. who knows..
anyways, so today i went to the doc & he looked at my tonsils & goes “wow.” i was like “uhh?” he was like “yeap, you have strep, no doubt about it” ha. interesting..
i just really hope i feel better by friday, because i’m leaving to go see my babyyy.
today we’re 4 1/2 years btw. aww i love that boy. =]
well thats about all, i think i should head to bed. have class in the morning, hopefully i’m feeling better!
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i should probably write..
so moms been bugging me to write, even saying, “so, do you ever use your blog any more?” haha. i forget sometimes.
so what’s been going on recently..
bryan was home last weekend & it was g-reat. i loved it, i miss being able to just walk into the next room & he’s there. but, such is life i guess.
wednesday i went & got my tongue pierced! =P something i’ve really actually wanted to do since i was about 14, but with braces & all that jazz, it was something that kept getting pushed back further & further. and then i decided that i wanted to surprise bryan with something & so i went & got my tongue pierced. he won’t know i have it until next weekend.. but that’ll be good because hopefully by that time it will be healed. i’m slowly learning how to eat again. its hard tho, i’ve bitten my tongue ring a few times already. but, thats something i’ll have to work with. crystal said i’ll learn how to re-do everything i did before. so we shall see.
i was suppose to work today, but called in because i was having cold sweats last night, it was horrible! i was so cold, so i would cover up, but then i would start sweating within 15-20 minutes. ahh! my head hurt, my throat started hurting again (what is with this? i had this last week too!!) & yes, its true.. it didn’t really help that my tongue was swollen also. plus also sleeping with retainers in, made my mouth rather dry.
well, mom is about to go giving the darling precious baby a bath, so i think i’ll go in & watch. =) looovee that little girl.
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