Bryan was back this past.. Wednesday & Thursday. Things went really well on Wednesday for the most part. & then Thursday I saw him for maybe 10 minutes & nothing seemed to go right. It’s really driving me nuts, I feel like he’s an emotional wreck himself. Just the way he says or does certain things, he’s obviously confused in his own ways but it doesn’t help me any if he takes those things out on me.

We argued while he was here.. isn’t that pathetic? I saw him for not even a full 24 hours & we argued.. twice I believe. One time because he said I was making something too complicated, when really I just didn’t understand what he was telling me. & the other was RIGHT before he left. I don’t know really.. just thinking about it now is making me upset; & I’m upset too that he hasn’t tried telling me he was sorry for what he did. But maybe that’s what he wants.. maybe he’s trying to tell me something in the way of him being an ass. I really don’t know.

I had a good talk with mom & dad, mostly mom, because dad sees things too black & white for me to even really want to talk to him about it. Anyways, I’ve said this before, but I’m going to just let him contact me first. I’ve said this so many times & only once was I able to actually wait. But this is what I need to do. It really is. How is he going to miss somebody that is always there for him? How is he going to miss me when every time he gets on the internet he has a new message from me wondering how he’s doing or what he’s been up to. I have yet to tell him I miss him, because I wanted to hear it from him first.. but 1. if he misses me, he hasn’t told me & 2. he’s not going to miss me if I’m always there. Maybe it’s going to take him awhile.. take sometime away from me & time for him to realize that I’m going to go on with my own life– with or without him. After he sees that & sees that I’m doing just fine, then maybe he’ll come back around.

Although really, I won’t be doing ‘just fine’. I really do want him in my life, I do. But like mom has said, I can’t force him to be with me if he doesn’t want to. That’s heartbreaking in itself, but its true. & also, a few weekends ago, I wrote Bryan this extremely long, drunk message.. pretty much spilling out everything that I’ve wanted to tell him. & well, his message wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.. but he also said in that message, “I can see us dating farther on down the line.” So although, if the oppertunity comes up to be with somebody else, I won’t necessarily turn it down.. but, I don’t know.

I really cannot see myself with anybody but him. But who knows.

Its like.. technically, I’m available, but my hearts not.

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so i just found out last night that bryan has already started seeing other girls. i was really shocked at first.. kind of dumbfounded but really, what did i expect? he broke up with me, he did say he wanted to see what single life was like. let him know.. i guess.

i know there’s not much i can do about it, because it is his life & he’ll do as he sees fit. but i’ve been there for him thru everything he’s ever experienced in the past, almost 5 years. i just don’t understand why he’d lie to me & say he’s not. he’ll probably say its because he didn’t want to see me hurt. but as the saying is.. “would you rather hear a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear” or something like that. but its true, & no matter what.. i think i’d always rather hear the truth. its just 10x worse finding out about it some other way. & he knows this, this isn’t the 1st time he’s lied to me. its more like the 3rd. thats what it is.. the 3rd lie i’ve caught him in. & the last 2 have happened in the past 6 months.

is it stupid of me to still hope that we can someday be together? he’s hurt me so much, why do i still want to be with him? because i love him. & he was my first everything- everything i do for the first time after him, is always going to make me think of him. its like heartwrenching. i feel like he’s seriously taken my heart out of my chest, thrown it onto the floor & just started jumping on it right in front of me.. it hurts that bad.

you know.. i was doing really good there for awhile. i hadn’t seen him in awhile, we weren’t really talking all that much, i had guys texting me all the time; i had really felt at that point that i might actually be able to move on. but then just seeing him this past weekend, made everything roar up again.

& right now, i’m thinking all i want to do is talk to him when he comes home. because we really need to get some things straightened out. even if we aren’t dating.. i’d still like to be his friend, no matter how naive or cliche or stupid that sounds. is that bad of me? idk, maybe we just need time apart without really talking to eachother. kind of like my mom & dad did. but i don’t want to have to wait 4 years before i can be with him again. if he were to honestly, move back because say.. something happened at UNI & things didnt go right, i would seriously want to try things over. & i know thats dumb of me, because he’s been treating me like shit for so long now. but i can’t help it, i can’t help but want to be with him.

but why? i know they always say “everything happens for a reason” & that is a quote that i believe in too, but i seriously don’t see any good coming out of this. i told mom the other day that i feel like Gods punishing me somehow.. & mom says that its nothing like that at all. that God just sees the bigger picture of my life. i wish i could have like 10 minutes with my ‘life video’ so that i could see whats going to happen, so that maybe i could move on quicker.

its so hard, yet i don’t regret anything with bryan. he was my first love & i still do love him.. its just hard. but if nothing else, i know i’ll come out of this a stronger person because of how crappy he’s treated me. & i know.. in my next relationship, whenever that is, i won’t put my all into it like i did with bryan.

thats all i have to say..

<//3