so i just found out last night that bryan has already started seeing other girls. i was really shocked at first.. kind of dumbfounded but really, what did i expect? he broke up with me, he did say he wanted to see what single life was like. let him know.. i guess.

i know there’s not much i can do about it, because it is his life & he’ll do as he sees fit. but i’ve been there for him thru everything he’s ever experienced in the past, almost 5 years. i just don’t understand why he’d lie to me & say he’s not. he’ll probably say its because he didn’t want to see me hurt. but as the saying is.. “would you rather hear a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear” or something like that. but its true, & no matter what.. i think i’d always rather hear the truth. its just 10x worse finding out about it some other way. & he knows this, this isn’t the 1st time he’s lied to me. its more like the 3rd. thats what it is.. the 3rd lie i’ve caught him in. & the last 2 have happened in the past 6 months.

is it stupid of me to still hope that we can someday be together? he’s hurt me so much, why do i still want to be with him? because i love him. & he was my first everything- everything i do for the first time after him, is always going to make me think of him. its like heartwrenching. i feel like he’s seriously taken my heart out of my chest, thrown it onto the floor & just started jumping on it right in front of me.. it hurts that bad.

you know.. i was doing really good there for awhile. i hadn’t seen him in awhile, we weren’t really talking all that much, i had guys texting me all the time; i had really felt at that point that i might actually be able to move on. but then just seeing him this past weekend, made everything roar up again.

& right now, i’m thinking all i want to do is talk to him when he comes home. because we really need to get some things straightened out. even if we aren’t dating.. i’d still like to be his friend, no matter how naive or cliche or stupid that sounds. is that bad of me? idk, maybe we just need time apart without really talking to eachother. kind of like my mom & dad did. but i don’t want to have to wait 4 years before i can be with him again. if he were to honestly, move back because say.. something happened at UNI & things didnt go right, i would seriously want to try things over. & i know thats dumb of me, because he’s been treating me like shit for so long now. but i can’t help it, i can’t help but want to be with him.

but why? i know they always say “everything happens for a reason” & that is a quote that i believe in too, but i seriously don’t see any good coming out of this. i told mom the other day that i feel like Gods punishing me somehow.. & mom says that its nothing like that at all. that God just sees the bigger picture of my life. i wish i could have like 10 minutes with my ‘life video’ so that i could see whats going to happen, so that maybe i could move on quicker.

its so hard, yet i don’t regret anything with bryan. he was my first love & i still do love him.. its just hard. but if nothing else, i know i’ll come out of this a stronger person because of how crappy he’s treated me. & i know.. in my next relationship, whenever that is, i won’t put my all into it like i did with bryan.

thats all i have to say..

<//3