Bryan was back this past.. Wednesday & Thursday. Things went really well on Wednesday for the most part. & then Thursday I saw him for maybe 10 minutes & nothing seemed to go right. It’s really driving me nuts, I feel like he’s an emotional wreck himself. Just the way he says or does certain things, he’s obviously confused in his own ways but it doesn’t help me any if he takes those things out on me.

We argued while he was here.. isn’t that pathetic? I saw him for not even a full 24 hours & we argued.. twice I believe. One time because he said I was making something too complicated, when really I just didn’t understand what he was telling me. & the other was RIGHT before he left. I don’t know really.. just thinking about it now is making me upset; & I’m upset too that he hasn’t tried telling me he was sorry for what he did. But maybe that’s what he wants.. maybe he’s trying to tell me something in the way of him being an ass. I really don’t know.

I had a good talk with mom & dad, mostly mom, because dad sees things too black & white for me to even really want to talk to him about it. Anyways, I’ve said this before, but I’m going to just let him contact me first. I’ve said this so many times & only once was I able to actually wait. But this is what I need to do. It really is. How is he going to miss somebody that is always there for him? How is he going to miss me when every time he gets on the internet he has a new message from me wondering how he’s doing or what he’s been up to. I have yet to tell him I miss him, because I wanted to hear it from him first.. but 1. if he misses me, he hasn’t told me & 2. he’s not going to miss me if I’m always there. Maybe it’s going to take him awhile.. take sometime away from me & time for him to realize that I’m going to go on with my own life– with or without him. After he sees that & sees that I’m doing just fine, then maybe he’ll come back around.

Although really, I won’t be doing ‘just fine’. I really do want him in my life, I do. But like mom has said, I can’t force him to be with me if he doesn’t want to. That’s heartbreaking in itself, but its true. & also, a few weekends ago, I wrote Bryan this extremely long, drunk message.. pretty much spilling out everything that I’ve wanted to tell him. & well, his message wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.. but he also said in that message, “I can see us dating farther on down the line.” So although, if the oppertunity comes up to be with somebody else, I won’t necessarily turn it down.. but, I don’t know.

I really cannot see myself with anybody but him. But who knows.

Its like.. technically, I’m available, but my hearts not.

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