i got the heading from a blog my mom posted.. & it fits me so well, so i thought i’d use it too.

i really don’t want to do this any more.. i don’t want to do anything. everything makes me hurt, everything makes me think about bryan; i just don’t want to do anything any more.

i didn’t go to school at all this week, i go to work when i have to. i really don’t even want to take classes next semester, but i’d rather take classes than find a job that i can get life insurance with. because if i’m not full time, my dad’s insurance will drop me. it’s just hard, like.. i don’t feel like i can do anything any more.

i don’t really get it, there’s some days where i’m fine & i’m in a good mood. but then there’s days like today where i could really give a shit less about anything. its horrible really. alls i want to do is sleep, i stay up late at night because i can’t sleep, but then when i do fall asleep, i could sleep most of the day away. but i usually wake up because my dogs remind me that i do have a life.. somewhere. it’s really hard & i don’t even know why i feel this way.. but its really starting to drive me nuts.

i think its because i haven’t talked to bryan for the past week. it’s pretty much his choice that we’re not talking, but i just wish he’d contact me, let me know he’s thinking about me. because from what he’s telling his mom, he does still see us together, but we’re not right now because he says there’s too much stress from school. i just wish i could go back to high school.. things were so much simpler & we were together & i was happy.

mom says that God is doing this because he sees the bigger picture, but why do i have to hurt so much from it? i just want him back, i want him to contact me, i want to see him, i want him to miss me. i told myself after he left on thanksgiving, that this was going to be the time that i was strong. that even if it took him 3 weeks to contact me, that it’d be okay, because i was going to be strong & give him his space. but i want him. i want him soo bad. why can’t he see this? the truth is he might, but he’s so wrapped up in himself that he doesn’t really care.

i don’t know, all i know is.. he’s never going to find anybody that loves him as much as i do. nobody, idc what happens.. there’s nobody that will. why does this have to be so hard?

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