the only one on my mind now-a-days.. is bryan. i mean yeah, i think of richie & derek too, bc we did talk there for awhile. but now, its mainly bryan.

so, just writing that, i kind of feel like a little girl back in the 5th grade again, where i liked a new boy every day. ha, its not like that though, trust me.

the last time i talked to derek was saturday & he didnt seem too interested in talking, so i just stopped texting him & figured he can text whenever he wants to talk. richie.. i think the last time i talked to him was about a week ago. after our good talk we had, we stopped talking. we sort of talked the other day online, i sent him a message saying hi & how he never texts any more. he wrote back today saying it was complicated. soo.. i sent back a message asking why. maybe the guy has a girl in mind. =] that’d be cute. orrr maybe he’s thinking we’re too far apart to be talking like we do, or that he’s busy. i dont really know, so i’ll just wait for his answer & we’ll go from there.

brrryyyannn- came home saturday for a little while. he came in while i was working, when i saw him walk in the door, i got butterflies. i feel like such a little kid. ha, but i forgot what those were like. we didnt get to talk right away because we were pretty busy with customers, but then when i did get to talk to him. we talked & he kind of seemed jealous about me talking to this guy. mom said something along the lines of “who cares? you can talk to who ever you want to” but i didnt take it like that when he said it. i took it as him having a ting of jealously there. which made me feel pretty good.

then i got back on the register & he went & got a cart and got some stuff to take back up to UNI. jean told me i could go find him if i wanted to, so i did. when i found him, i gave him this flirtatious smile & he got the biggest smile on his face. & as i got closer.. he held his arms out to hug me. so we hugged & when i looked up, he kissed me. <33 then i walked around with him for awhile longer & he kept holding me, hugging me, kissing me. ughh confusing boy.

but what we need i think, is to just be able to have a time to sit & talk. like over thanksgiving break, we’re going to have almost a whole week to hang out & spend time together. i asked him if i’d get to see him more over break & he said “of course”. soo that makes me feel good. i’m not expecting us to get back together over this break, i’m just going to take everything as it comes.

it’ll be good to see him & catch up.

<333

so now that i’ve updated you on bryan.. its time for an update on the other 2 guys i’ve been talking to..

richie & i had a really good talk yesterday.. but then we barely talked today. thats what happened last time we had a good talk too, maybe i just.. get him to talk so much that he no longer knows what to talk about? haha i dont know, but its okay. i don’t want to annoy him by texting him all day long.

derek.. we started texting this morning. we exchanged numbers last night & we’ve been talking off & on all day. we talked about a lot of stuff too.. he wondered what i was looking for now that i’m single. & i didnt know whether he meant what i was looking for.. from him or from anybody else. so i asked & he said both.. i told him that i didnt expect anything to happen between me & him, that i just thought it was nice to talk to somebody that i havent talked to in awhile. that i dont know whats going to happen between me & bryan still & that even if i had stronger feelings, i wouldn’t act on them because he has a girlfriend. he said he understood, but i really dont know if he does. being with bryan for so long & seeing all the girls that have tried to come between us, i don’t think i could ever again.. be that girl that breaks somebody up.

 i did break bryan & caithlin up, but that was in the 8th grade and idk, i know feelings can obviously be strong then, bc thats when i fell in love with bryan.. but idk. just seeing ppl try to do it to us for SO long.. its just something that i could not do to somebody else. derek keeps telling me that they’re more then likely going to break up, & that we should really find some time to hang out, but he doesn’t realize what i’m telling him. i cannot & will not be the reason they break up. if they break up on their own & derek still wants to hang out, then thats fine but i really don’t want to be brought into it & cause drama that really doesn’t need to be broughten up.

idk, from my side of it.. i feel like thats a very good, mature way of looking at that point of view. but even if something did happen between me & derek.. he’s only home on the weekends (sometimes every 2 weeks) bc he’s working in sioux city. plus, the weekends he does come home.. he has to see his son sometime also in the 2 days he’s back. not that i have a problem with him having a kid, i mean yeah.. it would be a little extra baggage to take on. but he doesnt have him full-time & i know the mom of the baby is going to be taking care of it. its just WOW. it’d be a lot different then anything im use to.

& another thing with richie.. i think he’s got it set in his mind better then i do that we live 23 hours apart & that nothing could happen unless we see eachother.. ohhh man idk.

confusing stuff. haha.

we’ll just see how things go. i’ve got to take it day by day & see what happens..

…

I still haven’t talked to Bryan. We last talked on Friday over the internet. My feelings for him are confusing.. confusing to the point where I’m beginning to not know what I want myself. Bryan has been a huge part of my past & parts of me really want him to be apart of my future too. But then there’s other days where I think I’d be better off without him, but then the thoughts of “well when I do this for the first time..” or “when I go to this place, alls I’m going to do is think of him..” start to come around. And then the thoughts of him having another girlfriend or moving on right away, or even not talking to me any more, even just as friends.. has me scared. Its one of those things where you just want to move away & hope to forget about it & hope that things don’t remind you of that person/thing any more.

There’s this other person, thats making me think this way.. I think. As I’ve said before, Richie had started texting me out of the blue. We talked for a good two days, really good talks too. Then we didn’t talk as much. And again, just yesterday we had a really good conversation again. I think he has a lot to do with how my feelings of Bryan have started to be confusing. Why can’t he live around here? All my problems would be solved! Ha. But, I highly doubt anything will come out of this because we’re 23 hours apart and I know neither one of us would be willing to make the move. Definitely not now anyway. And the only time we’d ever see eachother is when I went down there, because I highly doubt he ever has plans of coming to boring Iowa.

Soo.. I don’t know. What needs to happen is me & Bryan need to talk. And I’m willing to wait until he gets home to talk to him because talking over the internet or phone would probably just cause problems. I plan on being completely honest with him & I hope he does the same with me.

Until then, I’ll continue to wait..

<33