soo.. it was a negative; idk why i’m so moody all the time then. or tired for that matter. i called my sis-in-law & told her it was negative & she says, “you sound bummed, did you want to be?” & idk, i guess in some ways more than others, yes i did. i just wanted that one thing to care about.. idk, i guess this just goes back to “everything happens for a reason” so i’m not because of some reason.. that maybe i’ll figure out later in life.

i guess in another way, i thought it would bring me & him close again. not that i expected him to come back & want to date me; but we’d have to talk because well.. yeah. because now we’d “share” something, i guess. i dont get it; theres times where i’m like “wow, i dont even know what i liked about him so much” but then there’s other times when i remind myself why. & i think the main reason is because i was doing good; i was slowly but surely getting over bryan. i was going out on the wkends again, for the 1st time in years; literally. & then all of a sudden somebody showed interest in me.

& right at first, i didnt let myself get too involved; i was like “no, don’t get too excited, its just a fling. dont even put any emotion into it. let him initiate things between you 2; don’t contact him first. if he wants to get to know you, he’ll contact you”. & what happened? like 3 days later.. he calls me & i picked up, but he lost reception, so i texted him to see who it was. & it was him. i got a little excited & even more so when we started hanging out, then that led to staying the night with eachother; then we dated. & even after we broke up, things were still good between us because we still hung out all the time. then all of a sudden, we stopped. i haven’t talked to him in over a week. he called me a week ago saturday, but i didnt pick up because i was at work. i guess if it was important enough, he would have called me back; but idk.

its so aggravating & i’m so annoyed with it all. i plan on staying single for quite a long time. d asked me once, “are you afraid of not having a boyfriend?” & i remember saying, “are you serious?!” but you know what.. maybe i am. but its because i was so use to being with somebody. i was use to always having that somebody to care about, that somebody that cared about me too. & being single.. is just weird & different for me. & to tell you the truth, i don’t like it. i think thats why i fell so hard for darrell, he was interested in me, he helped me get over bryan a lot quicker than i probably would if i wouldnt have met him. he was my “first” after bryan.. that, is why i think i’m having a hard time realizing that nothing will ever be between us again. argghh.

so annoyed.