nervous.
jesse & i were suppose to talk on the phone after he got off work yesterday, but instead he texted me & asked if i had to work on tuesday. i said i didnt & he asked me to come up so that we could talk & hang out then. because he wants to, “do this in person”. whatever that means..
idk what to expect, idk if he’s planning on asking me back out or if he’s planning on us just being friends. i have nooo idea. i’m scared, nervous. everything imaginable.
in the shade through it all.
to make a long story short, i went up to CR tonight.. to eventually see jesse.
we didnt really talk at first, so we sent texts back & forth because he was being an ass. finally, i got through to him & told him that i really just wanted to talk to him; & threw in the ‘please’ too. after that text, he said “ok fine. we’ll go talk after this fight is over.” (we were watching ufc at bww’s.) when the fight was over, he texted me, “lets go” so we got up & went out to his explorer.
RIGHT away, jesse had that smirk on his face, his “i’m going to say idc but inside, i do” smirk. so right away, i knew he had plenty going through his mind. –hold on. darryl worley- i miss my friend is on.. 1 of my songs to jesse at the moment. UGH.– anyways, we got to his truck & after him being dumb, saying he didnt know what my deal was, blah blah. he finally let his guard down & said the main reason he broke up with me was because i didnt trust him. that he wasn’t bryan or darrell & he wasnt going to cheat on me or break up with me for somebody else. also that i take the littlest things & make them out to be something huge. especially when he’s talking to his friends, that are girls. & i have to agree; things i’ve gotten mad about have been pretty innocent, but i get to thinking & just assume he’s going to do something that bryan’s done.
then we left bww’s. i went with jesse & he wanted taco bell, so i went with him. after awhile, he made me tell him why exactly it was that i wanted to be with him. he told me how hard it was for him to sit there at the same table as me at bww’s because he hates that we’re not together & its really hard for him to be away from me. he continued to tell me that he loves me & wants to be with me, but he doesnt want us to keep arguing & go back to how we were towards the end of our relationship.
then, we leave. & i’m all down & everything. he notices, tells me to call him tmrw night & we can talk about what we’re going to do relationship-wise. that he thought we both needed the extra day to completely think about what we want & how we feel. he dropped me off at my car, our song (james otto- just got started loving you) came on & right away, i asked him to turn it & i covered my face.. i was seriously about ready to just start bawling. he says he’s sorry & changes the music. tells me to text him when i get home, so that he knows i got home safely. & tells me he loves me, looks at me for the longest time, then kisses me; a long kiss on the lips. then looks at me again & kisses me again. “love you” & “see ya” and i get in my own car.
i’m scared, nervous, excited, crushed. idk what to do. i hope he realizes he wants to be with me. i know i HAVE to stop with my whole jealousy thing. mom’s beem telling me since the beginning. ahh its hard. but i have to if i want this to work.
i hope i hope. <3
heartbroken.. again.
so i havent written in quite awhile, but jesse & i are no longer together.. its a confusing situation really.
when jesse first broke up with me i didnt take it very hard.. bc i thought that was what i wanted too, but now that we’ve been broken up for awhile now & i havent seen him in a week, its becoming a lot harder. when i’m out i think about how its not so bad, because i have time with friends, i dont have somebody texting me all the time wanting to know what i’m up to & who i’m with.. but now that its no longer here, i want it back.
i ALWAYS do this. & i know its not all my fault, people are going to tell me the samethings they told me with bryan. i know everybodys just trying to help, but i’m 19 years old. i think i can make my own decisions.. ya know?
i know i put myself into a relationship way too much. its almost like i do it, knowing that the outcome is more than likely not going to be a good one, but you can’t seriously base your dating on that. me & jesse were doing amazing there for awhile. we always laughed, always had fun. but then it was like we spent too much time together, so we got bored of eachother & we picked fights with eachother just for something to do. i know it sounds stupid, but thats exactly how it was.
jesse told me once, “you know.. i was sitting here thinking about how we always argue. & how i can change it, but then i realized that that’s just us. thats just how we are, we argue, we get over it, we’re us again. thats what we do.” & he’s so right. thats what we do, we’re both stubborn, always think we’re right & always want the last word. thats US.
jesse told me all these things & what he wants.. & i’m trying to accept it. right now, he wants space.. its so freaking hard. im going to try not talking to him until he talks to me first.. like i did with bryan. but with jesse, unlike with bryan.. i know jesse misses me. he’ll randomly text me.. he’ll tell me where he’s at, or what he’s doing. or how just yesterday, we hadnt talked all day & he sent me a text saying, “love you”. i sent him one back saying, “love you most.” bc thats something we always use to say to eachother. & he replied with, “you wish you loved me more than i do you”. thats us. thats me & jesse.
i know, ppl think im setting myself up to get hurt again like i did with bryan. i really hope things are different & me n jesse will get back together. thats what i want. but you know.. if it doesnt happen, its not like i cant get over it, i have before.. i will again. its just a shitty thing to go thru.
dad told me earlier, “well emily, we talked last week & this is what you wanted. you wanted to be single & have your own fun.” thats what i THOUGHT i wanted; thats why i wasnt going to break up with jesse, bc i had the same feelings before while dating bryan. i thought i would rather have been single, but then i’d stick it out & realize.. “this really is what i want, i wouldnt change it for anything”.
my song to jesse has been, “miss me baby” by chris cagle ever since he broke up with me. actually.. before he even did. he knew it too. & now today, i get on msn just to see if theres anybody on worth talking to & jesse’s on with just his display name, which is his last name. then next to my display name, “emily” i write.. “i need to be strong. because things WILL get better. it might be stormy now, but the rain won’t last forever..” & then after a bit, i notice jesse is no longer online. then a lil window pops up that jesse’s online again & it has his last name as his display name plus, “miss me baby..”.
so what does that mean? does it mean he misses me & thats how hes going to show it? or what.. i dont get it. i wish i could read people’s minds, life would be so much easier. ughh. i love him & i dont want to be hurt again..
