“sometimes you have to forget how you feel & remember what you deserve.”
so, for some odd reason.. today has been the first day since mine & jesse’s argument last tuesday that i’ve actually sat down & not been able to get my mind off of him. idk what it is or why. its really bothering me tho. i really dont understand why.. jesse treated me like crap & always blamed me for things i didnt even do. its like he was trying to find ways to not be with me the whole time. & this time, this relationship; i know its not my fault. because i know jesse’s immature & i never should have thought that he was actually going to be ready for a long-term commitment. which is what i want, its what i always want.
matt said to me the other day, “you know, it seems like you’re out to find a forever-thing & nothing short termed.” & i said back, “yeah, short time is only fun for awhile; i feel like the short-terms are a waste of my time” he agreed. ugh its aggravating. i can’t stand it tho, WHY do i even care?
its exactly what the quote says, sometimes, you DO have to forget how you feel and you have to remember what you deserve, because i know damn well i dont deserve how jesse treated me. i just dont, nobody does. its not right.
..lately hanging out with adam has been amazing. we have so much fun, he makes me laugh. i love when a guy can make me laugh. adam has me laughing ALL the time; there’s never ever ever a dull moment with him. we can be sitting there, not talking about anything & i’m still having a good time. adam & i haven’t come out & told eachother we like eachother, but i’m pretty sure its obvious. duhh. we don’t always have something to say to eachother, but its never awkward either. sadly, i am excited to see what becomes of us.
ahhh.
a good day.
“i’m going to be the girl that your ex girlfriend hates, the girl that your mom loves & the girl you’ll never EVER forget”
today.. i woke up at 11 & came upstairs, went to the bathroom & decided to jump on the scale. 129.4. how in the world do i keep losing weight? moms going to flip when she reads this & sees that i’m still losing.. but i AM eating. & no, i’m not doing drugs.
so.. i went & hung out with jesse today. of course when i got there, he had that “i dont care” attitude again. i wore shorts up there & a fitted tee. after a minute of me standing there, he looks at me & says, “you would” & i had a feeling it was about something i was wearing, but i just ignored it & sat down. we ended up talking about a lot. i told him i couldnt/wouldnt be with him if he kept accusing me of things & telling me, “we’re done”. & he said ok and that he wouldnt do it any more. he told me again that he wants to be with me, but he’s scared that i’ll hurt him.
at times, we kind of sat there in silence.. while watching tv, across the room from eachother. i asked him, “what are you thinking about?” & he just smiled at me. i asked again & he said, “you probably already know, so idk why you ask.” he walked out of the room, came back in (which would be behind me, so i couldnt see him) & he walked right up to me & just kissed me. for quite awhile. i was pretty shocked, but just took it in. & when we stopped, he said. “that. that is what i was thinking about.” heyy.. no complains here. 
after awhile, we ended up cuddling & kissing more. i told jesse that i didnt want to have the type of relationship where we had sex, but were only friends. & he goes, “ok? so we don’t have to have sex then.” he sounded like he was surprised i had said it, kind of made me think he wasn’t expecting sex to begin with. & of course somewhere throughout our talk, we both asked the other if they’d been with anybody else. we both replied with “no”. so thats good.
i had noticed jesse’s ex gf brittany had kind of stopped talking to him on his fb & i asked him why. he said she asked him if she could go visit jesse in CR.. drive to his place from her’s.. which she lives in the QC. & jesse told her no, that it wasn’t a good idea. she asked why & he told me he had told her that he was thinking about getting back with me & that he still had a lot of feelings for me. apparently brittany said he was stupid for wanting to be with me again & then hasn’t talked to him since. that made me feel good. i never did get the feeling that brittany liked me, but hey what can i do about it?
while cuddling, i asked jesse what he meant when he said, “you would” when i had walked in the door. he goes, “you would.. walk in my apartment, looking all sexy” HA! thankssss. 
i replied with, “idk about that” & he followed with, “i do.” after kissing, jesse looked at me & said, “i love you.” ohh boyyy.. then just be with me already. of course i told him i loved him too.
he had made plans to hang out with friends.. so i was only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but i think enough was accomplished. jesse also told me that he wanted us to hang out more, like we use to. (not as much obviously, but more than seeing eachother every 2 weeks like we have been). & i agreed, so we’ll see. he now works thursday-monday & gets every tuesday & wednesday off, so that kind of stinks that we only have 1 day off together now. but hopefully it’ll all work out. he also told me to text him or call him later & before i ever had the chance to text him, he was already texting me.
i sure did miss that boy. him kissing me was like i fell in love all over again. seriously, after he kissed me, i couldnt stop smiling. i felt like a little school girl. haha.
..hopefully this one goes in my favor & we get back together!
jesse.
i remember saying after me & darrell broke up that i wanted to be chased. i wanted somebody to be so involved around me & crazy about me, like i had been about bryan. and then darrell. & now jesse.
mom pointed out to me while me & jesse were dating that that was how jesse was with me. there was never a day that passed by that jesse didnt tell me i was beautiful. whether i had just got done puting make-up on, or if i had just opened my eyes, just barely waking up, to see him looking at me. me, my hair all a mess & my make-up smeared from sleeping on it. “you’re beautiful,” he use to tell me. & he use to send me the most random text messages, “i love you”, “i cant wait to see you”. he use to send me texts saying, “you’re so amazing. i love how you make me feel.”
i miss how jesse use to let me fall asleep on his chest. all cuddled up, his arms around me, my head on his chest; him kissing my forehead. one time, i had fallen asleep next to jesse on his living room floor; i woke up to jesse puting an arm under my shoulders & an arm under my legs. he lifted me up & carried me to his bed. like i was a baby.. something he didnt have to take care of, but wanted to. i remember just wrapping my arms around him. you know.. like a scene from a movie or something, on the couple’s wedding night. that was how he carried me..
i hate how when we talk, we usually start off good, but end up arguing. jesse’s scared that i’m going to hurt him. i’ve lied to him once, a little innocent lie, but apparently it was enough to scare him. he’s scared that because i have lied to him before, that it’ll be so easy for me to do it again. when i dont want to hurt jesse, i want to be with him. but he’s scared, he really is. whether he actually admits to it or not, he has this guard, like a wall.. surrounding his heart because he doesnt want to be hurt. i actually think thats why jesse’s been around.. 14 not 43 mom, lol. but because he knew it was just for the fun, knew nothing serious was going to come of it.
jesse admitted to me after we broke up that he was starting to scare himself with the words he said to me. when he started telling me that he wanted us to move in together & could see us together for a long time. i could see those things too; but i told him that i dont make way-out-there future plans because i had before & i’m not about to do it again, just to get shot down. but in a way, i think i did. because if i hadnt.. why would i honestly be this hurt?
what jesse & i need is to get together & just talk. about everything. how we feel about us, about our relationship, our friendship. everything. but jesse has this little shield up to protect him. he’s scared. he’s really confusing actually.. he wanted to surprise me tuesday by coming by WL. he had even talked to matt about it, but then texted me at 3:30 tuesday morning to say he didnt know whether it was a good idea or not because, he’s “frustrated with me. …with us, the whole situation”. so am i! this definitely hasnt been a walk in the park for me.
jesse seems to think this whole thing has been easy for me. because the day after we broke up, i went downtown with friends to drink & dance. what was i suppose to do? sit at home & cry? i’ve done that before, i’m not doing that again. like mom said, i can’t afford to lose another 40 lbs because of some boy. i’ve actually lost about 5 since jesse & i have been broken up.
my plan: is to not contact jesse & let him contact me first. i’ve done this twice now. the first time, was because jesse told me he needed his space; then a day & a half later, he calls me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he loves me. the next time i did it, lasted about half a day, when jesse texts me saying he’s done with me, because he heard i supposedly hung out with his bestfriend. umm no. definitely didnt do that one. but as you know, we didnt stop talking.
i just want jesse to realize that he misses me. he admitted yesterday that he does love me. which made me feel good but then wonder why we’re not together. ahhh. i almost feel like i want this more than i wanted me & bryan to get back together. i cried so much more when bryan & i broke up.. but like i told mom today, its not that heartbreak gets easier, but you already know what it feels like & whats going to happen next, so its not as big of a shock as the first time you get your heart broken.
moral of the novel i just wrote; i miss jesse karl. =(
i want him back.
