i remember saying after me & darrell broke up that i wanted to be chased. i wanted somebody to be so involved around me & crazy about me, like i had been about bryan. and then darrell. & now jesse.

mom pointed out to me while me & jesse were dating that that was how jesse was with me. there was never a day that passed by that jesse didnt tell me i was beautiful. whether i had just got done puting make-up on, or if i had just opened my eyes, just barely waking up, to see him looking at me. me, my hair all a mess & my make-up smeared from sleeping on it. “you’re beautiful,” he use to tell me. & he use to send me the most random text messages, “i love you”, “i cant wait to see you”. he use to send me texts saying, “you’re so amazing. i love how you make me feel.”

i miss how jesse use to let me fall asleep on his chest. all cuddled up, his arms around me, my head on his chest; him kissing my forehead. one time, i had fallen asleep next to jesse on his living room floor; i woke up to jesse puting an arm under my shoulders & an arm under my legs. he lifted me up & carried me to his bed. like i was a baby.. something he didnt have to take care of, but wanted to. i remember just wrapping my arms around him. you know.. like a scene from a movie or something, on the couple’s wedding night. that was how he carried me..

i hate how when we talk, we usually start off good, but end up arguing. jesse’s scared that i’m going to hurt him. i’ve lied to him once, a little innocent lie, but apparently it was enough to scare him. he’s scared that because i have lied to him before, that it’ll be so easy for me to do it again. when i dont want to hurt jesse, i want to be with him. but he’s scared, he really is. whether he actually admits to it or not, he has this guard, like a wall.. surrounding his heart because he doesnt want to be hurt. i actually think thats why jesse’s been around.. 14 not 43 mom, lol. but because he knew it was just for the fun, knew nothing serious was going to come of it.

jesse admitted to me after we broke up that he was starting to scare himself with the words he said to me. when he started telling me that he wanted us to move in together & could see us together for a long time. i could see those things too; but i told him that i dont make way-out-there future plans because i had before & i’m not about to do it again, just to get shot down. but in a way, i think i did. because if i hadnt.. why would i honestly be this hurt?

what jesse & i need is to get together & just talk. about everything. how we feel about us, about our relationship, our friendship. everything. but jesse has this little shield up to protect him. he’s scared. he’s really confusing actually.. he wanted to surprise me tuesday by coming by WL. he had even talked to matt about it, but then texted me at 3:30 tuesday morning to say he didnt know whether it was a good idea or not because, he’s “frustrated with me. …with us, the whole situation”. so am i! this definitely hasnt been a walk in the park for me.

jesse seems to think this whole thing has been easy for me. because the day after we broke up, i went downtown with friends to drink & dance. what was i suppose to do? sit at home & cry? i’ve done that before, i’m not doing that again. like mom said, i can’t afford to lose another 40 lbs because of some boy. i’ve actually lost about 5 since jesse & i have been broken up.

my plan: is to not contact jesse & let him contact me first. i’ve done this twice now. the first time, was because jesse told me he needed his space; then a day & a half later, he calls me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he loves me. the next time i did it, lasted about half a day, when jesse texts me saying he’s done with me, because he heard i supposedly hung out with his bestfriend. umm no. definitely didnt do that one. but as you know, we didnt stop talking.

i just want jesse to realize that he misses me. he admitted yesterday that he does love me. which made me feel good but then wonder why we’re not together. ahhh. i almost feel like i want this more than i wanted me & bryan to get back together. i cried so much more when bryan & i broke up.. but like i told mom today, its not that heartbreak gets easier, but you already know what it feels like & whats going to happen next, so its not as big of a shock as the first time you get your heart broken.

moral of the novel i just wrote; i miss jesse karl. =(

i want him back.