for awhile now, since adam & i first started seeing eachother, dustin & adam would bring up times when they use to hang out with me & bryan ..or times when they would hang out with bryan. & how they just wanted him to ‘break the rules’ & have some fun rather than go home at a certain time to be with me. all along, since they’ve talked to me about this, i’ve been debating on writing bryan a short message or not, telling him i’m sorry that i had ever treated him that way.

today, i gave in. just about a half an hour ago, i wrote bryan a message, telling him the story with dustin & adam and i told him i know it doesn’t really matter now, but that i was sorry that i had ever treated him that way. that there should have never been ‘rules’, that it should have never been up to me who he could & couldn’t hang out with & when. i told him that whether he read it or not, it was ok with me, because at least i know i attempted to write him & apologize for the way i treated him. & then told him i hoped he was doing well.

he surprisingly, wrote me back fairly quick. he wrote back, “wow. thanks for writing me. that makes me feel good to know that you do feel that way. i never thought about you that way & i never minded the way you treated me. i’m doing really well & i hope with you getting this out of your head, that you are doing good too. thanks again for the message.”

so, that put a smile to my face. & i felt kind of giddy afterwards, maybe its just because i talked to bryan. like mom says, i’ll always have some sort of feeling for bryan. we dated 4 1/2 years & lived together for 3 of them. & he was the first person i ever loved. i think i just think about him so much recently because its been almost a year since we’ve broken up. & because of the way i’m falling for adam. because how much i care about adam.. is starting to turn into the way i really felt about bryan. & to be honest, it kind of scares me.

i do feel like i ‘love’ adam, but i’m not quite sure that adam’s ready for that. when we lay down for bed at night, he looks at me.. for long periods of times sometimes. & when i ask him why he’s looking at me, he says, “what? i can’t look at you?” or after we kiss & he just stares into my eyes. i wish i could read his mind. parts of me think i should say it first, because i am the one that initiated our first kiss & he told me, “if you wouldn’t have kissed me first, you’d probably still be waiting because i’m shy when it comes to things like that” or he’s told me, “you know during our first kiss, i felt like it was my first time; i was nervous & excited all at the same time.” then tonight, when we were texting, he asked if i wanted to come over, but then said he probably wouldn’t be up for much longer; so basically he just wanted me to come sleep next to him, but i said i was just going to stay home, then i said “goodnight babe <3″ & he asks, “whats <3?” & i reply with, “its a heart, duhhh” & he answers back with “?”. which i’m assuming was his way of asking why i put a heart. & i didn’t know what to say, so i said, “nothing, why what’d you think it was for?” & i’m assuming he fell asleep bc he didn’t answer back. i don’t know what to dooooooo.