why?
ever just wonder ‘why’? i do.. a lot, it seems.
i wonder why about a lot of things, but lately i wonder the most about why i do this to myself.
WHY do i think about bryan when i have somebody that loves me as much as jesse does? its not even really that i miss bryan, its more that i kind of miss how we were. what i thought we had. idk. things are going great with jesse, i seriously probably couldn’t ask for things to be any better, but why does bryan always pop into my head? the times i think about him the most are when i’m driving to or from CR.. usually on my way home, just because my mind waunders when i’m driving. i think about a lot of things.
its probably because jesse’s my 1st serious relationship after my relationship with bryan. like sometimes, the things jesse says remind me of what bryan had said. or when we’re listening to music & a part comes up that jesse feels is how he feels towards me, he’ll squeeze my hand. & sometimes those are songs that me & bryan had talked about. IDK. its annoying me, really. point blank, thats what its doing to me. i dont know why i care, i don’t know why it matters.
everything happens for a reason, bryan & i didn’t work out for a reason. jesse may be the reason, he may not be. THATS ANOTHER THING!
..sad but true. i feel as though, i don’t always put my all into me & jesse. & i feel really bad because i know this really upsets him.. but especially right at the beginning of our relationship, i really liked jesse. but i kept telling myself, “if it doesnt work out, it won’t ruin me; bc it just didnt work”. kind of like i don’t put emotion into it. when i know i do, because i love jesse, i really do. & i know if we broke up, i think i’d be really upset, but then parts of me think i’d be like, ‘ehh, ok’.
idk what my deal is.
what i want to say.
mom- thank you so much for the talk we had today.. i needed it; you’re the one that keeps me going, makes me realize why things happen & what i need to do to prepare for what might come. i love you so much. i dont know what i’d honestly do without you. just thought i’d let you know.. bc i dont think i tell you often enough.
jesse- we’ve only been dating for the past 2 1/2 weeks & already, things are amazing with you. i get this amazing feeling when i see that its you calling or you thats texting. i still get this incredible feeling when i get to your appt & you’re outside waiting for me to let me in. i truly can say that i love you & i can really see us having a future together. i love when you talk about how i make you feel & how you want to & can see us together for a long time. i especially loved the one time when you told me, “emily, i can’t promise that i’ll never hurt you.. because i know there’s going to be times when i’m going to do or say something that’s going to hurt you.. but i can promise you that i’ll never intentionally hurt you.” i love when i get those cute lil texts from you that say, “gosh baby, you’re so amazing”, “you make me feel complete”, “you’re my world” or when you just out of the blue text me while i’m at work & say, “i love you”. just lets me know that you’re thinking about me just as much as i’m thinking about you. i hope things continue going great with us; i just really hope that i dont start to take you for granted.. bc thats the last thing i want to do. also, i love how you give me pjs to wear & when i come out of your room wearing them, you look at me with that little cute smile & say, “you look beautiful baby”. its the little things you do & say that mean the most. <3
kay- ughh. why can’t we just talk & be mature? honestly.. come on. we’re 19 years old, we’re not in hs any more. i can honestly say that i’ve been pretty “okay” these past couple weeks not talking to you. but then there’s times when i really get to thinking & i miss you, your friendship, the way we could talk about anything. just everything, the fun we use to have.. the way we could go a week or so without talking at all & then we’d hangout & BAM, everything would be completely normal & it’d be like we had been talking the whole time. i hope someday you can seriously get over this whole ordeal & be okay with me & jesse. you have chris & he ADORES you.. seriously, don’t take something like that for granted. i did, for the longest time.. i took bryan for granted so much; then look what happened.. just think about it. don’t be selfish, seriously.. just take a break & look at everything from the outside. i want us to be friends again, maybe we wont be as good of friends as we use to be right at first.. but we can climb up to that point; & who knows.. maybe someday we will.
everything happens for a reason, no matter what people say.. i truly believe that.
everything happens for a reason, maybe we won’t know why today.. but eventually; it’ll all make sense. <3
things on my mind..
i think i think too much. have i ever said this before? because its so true.
..its 1 in the morning, which means i’m back to keeping myself awake all night just because i think all the time.
they say everything happens for a reason & i’m a BIG believer in this.. i really am. i just don’t get certain things.
i’ve been thinking so much about the past, the present, the future.. just everything. its like i want to live my life day-by-day but technically.. does anybody really do this? isn’t everybody really planning for the future? like.. you go to work, because you know you’re going to have bills that need payed. or you go to school.. because you know eventually you’ll have a better paying job, which will give you the money you need to pay bills. the first house you buy is a big house.. because eventually, in the future.. you’ll need it for your family. you buy a 4door car, with spacious room, because its more convenient..
wow, i dont know. but thats only half of whats on my mind.
to emily:
so kay wrote this “blog” about me.. its adorable. i freaking love her, idk what i’d do without her.. here it is:
To the person who has always been there for me no matter what. Supported me in whatever i do. The only person who texts me every day, even if its just to say hi. The girl who tells me everything even if it might hurt my feelings, but is for my own good. She has never lied to me. Has always kept our SECRETS, secret. The only person i take constructive critiscm from, and used it to my advantage. The only person who i can go out to eat with, but not even eat that much because were too busy talking. The strongest willed girl ive ever met. Shes been done wrong, but shes made herself right out of the situation, no matter what it is. I dont know where i would be without her. During the tough times, shes lifted me up with her good advice. And i know ive done the same for her. The only person i will go to the bathroom with when im drunk. The only person ive ever rode in a car with and pretended markers and bottles were microphones and sung to “no scrubs” from TLC. Good times. The only person i would have shared my senior prom with, i wouldnt take back any of it for the world. The only person i enjoy taking pictures with even if it is just me and her…just for random, nothing special. The girl who talks to my mom, and probably could talk to her about anything. Ok not anything, that stuff she tells me but you know what i mean. I probably think about her everyday, why-ever it might be. The only person that will ride in her car or her with mine, even though weve almost killed each other a bigillion times. And we just laugh about it. Almost hitting a bunch of deer,l about 7 of them on our way to tyson’s house. Ive never seen that many, up close before, but i was with her.
Shes the only person that knows somethings up even if i say “nothing”.
***Ill keep adding on, were gunna have lots more to come.
“Im gunna be here forever, so he just better get used to it”….”Like i said, your gunna be my maid of honor, in my wedding…” ….”Aw when are you going to get married???? Im already excited!!!”
^^ you can’t deny that that is the cutest thing ever. i had no idea she was even going to write it, it made my day when i read it.
“No One”
I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything’s going to be alright
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain
You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don’t worry ’cause
Everything’s going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything’s going to be alright
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel
I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I’m telling you there ain’t no one
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you
..this song, i felt too.. was towards both bryan & darrell. bryan because alls people would do is talk about one thing or another going on with us. then with darrell, after we broke up & started hanging out again.. i felt this was my song to him because i felt we really had a chance of getting back together.
but now.. i feel like this song is for me. you know.. “you & me together”.. thats me, i’m always going to have me. i need to like me for who i am & get to know myself before i expect to find happiness in somebody else. & “alls i know, is everythings going to be alright”. everything is going to be alright, everything happens for a reason, in the end, its all going to make perfect sense. “people keep talking, they can say what they like.” people will always talk.. some people live their lives based upon what they have to say about other people. there’s always going to be people like that. but again, all i know.. is everythings going to be alright. “no one, no one, no one can get in the way of what i feel for you”.. this is how i should look at myself.. i shouldnt let people get in the way of what i feel i need to do.
“when the rain is pouring down & my heart is hurting. you will always be around, this i know for certain.” i’ve got myself, if i don’t have myself.. who do i have? i have to believe in myself, before i can expect people to believe in me. “i know some people search the world, to find something like what we have. i know people will try, try to divide something so real, so til the end of time, i’m telling you there ain’t no one.” — there’s so many people that are worse off than i am, sometimes, i feel like i’m going thru the worst pain.. but things could always be worse. there’s always going to be somebody that can help me, because they’ve been in the exact same.. or similar situation.
i’ve got me.. i’m happy with me.
This song..
One Republic- “Apologize”
I’m holdin’ on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground.
And I’m hearin’ what you say,
But I just can’t make a sound.
You tell me that you need me,
Then you go and cut me down…
But wait…
You tell me that you’re sorry,
Didn’t think I’d turn around…
And say…
That it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late…
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
Yeah!
I’d take another chance,
Take a fall, take a shot for you.
I need you like a heart needs a beat,
But it’s nothin’ new.
I loved you with a fire red,
Now it’s turnin’ blue…
And you say…
Sorry, like an angel
Heaven let me think was you…
But I’m afraid…
It’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
Whoa!
It’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.
It’s too late to apologize. YEAH!
I said it’s too late to apologize. YEAH!
I’m holdin’ on your rope,
got me ten feet off the ground.
so.. that song. hmm. i was up at UNI staying w/ bryan; but i had a friend staying up there with us too, because it was UNI’s homecoming & i wanted her to go to the football game with me. after the game, me & nicole went to the mall & this song came on the radio & i said, “you know.. if me & bryan ever broke up, i could see this being one of our songs to eachother.” & nicole said, “shut up emily, like you guys will ever break up.” then bryan told me later that night that he didnt think we should be together any more.. & after awhile, i felt this song fit us perfectly. it really & truly was too later for him to apologize. & when i was hurting, i felt.. “i need you like a heart needs a beat, but thats nothing new“.
then.. just last week, i found out a bunch of stuff about darrell; i found out all this stuff he’s lied to me about.. & i felt that this was my song to darrell. if he ever tried to apologize to me, i do feel that i’d be completely clean with him & say, “you know, it really is too late to apologize.” i have yet to see d, & i dont plan on picking a fight with him or anything.. but i could never trust him ever again & i’d probably never be able to be close or hang out with him 1 on 1 ever again. idk.. things are just too weird.
like the saying says. “song lyrics are the words we cannot say“.
the strong word.. hate.
have you ever hated anybody?
i don’t think i could seriously ever ‘hate’ somebody. hate is way too strong of a word to me. hate to me.. is like wishing death upon somebody. idk why i think that way, i just always have.. for as long as i can remember.
instead of the word “hate” i just say things like.. ’strongly dislike’ because i can’t bring myself to say hate unless its talking about the weather or something. but never, ever could i ever say it towards a person..
but there are 2 people i sometimes wish i could say i hated. but i can’t.. & i never will hate them. but liars & cheaters are at the top of my book for ‘most disliked people’. ughh.
i dont understand why people lie OR cheat. it just boggles my mind.. seriously. i dont get it.
i have to write, i’m thinking too much.
here it is.. 1:30 in the morning & i have so much on my mind. why can’t people (like my mom, because thats really who i’d like to talk to right now..) be more un-normal & be up with me during these times of the night?!
right now, i could actually care less about darrell; well i do, but i don’t. i just want to stop having any feeling toward him at all. maybe us not being friends would be for the better. i dont even know if what i’m saying even makes sense right now.
i.. really want to drop out of school. even though that could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever. especially right now. but i do. i’ve done messed up & gotten myself too far behind in 3/4 of my classes. especially in comp2, there’s probably no way i’d pass that class this semester, even if i started trying now. & the same with intro to philosophy. intro to psych i could probably still pass, but lets face it; i’m not into school, school isn’t interesting to me right now.
its one of those types of things that you have to WANT to do or else you’re not going to do it. its bad, i know.. trust me, i know. i know that i’m letting a bunch of people down right now, i know i’m making an ass of myself. honestly.. who can’t handle a community college? other than myself. i just feel like i need time for myself right now. i think i need to find ME. find out who i am.. find out what i want to do w/ my life. because yes, ideally, i’d love to be a nurse; but honestly.. come on. is that really me? is that really what I want to do? i have no idea.. i’m just going off of that because thats what i wanted in high school. what i also wanted in high school was for me & bryan to be together forever & look where that got me.
i know the 1st thing mom is going to say to me, “emily.. you need college. do you really want to be a janitor for the rest of your life?” & no, hell no thats not what i want. but i dont want to do something that i’m not even trying for or even caring about right now either. right now.. i need to focus on myself & work. the person i’m afraid of disappointing the most tho.. is my dad. i can just see him rolling his eyes, then saying something to my mom about how much money i’ve wasted & how i’m throwing my life away. goddd. now i’m getting all teary-eyed, this sucks.
i dont want to be a college-dropout. i always told mom & dad when i was growing up that i’d be the 1st kid in the family to successfully finish both high school & college. but lets face it, i’m not completeing college successfully at all. i’m not even trying. theres times when i dont even care. you know what i enjoy the most about going to class? the interaction with other people. i don’t really like listening to the teacher talk, i’m usually not interested in what they’re saying.. i sit in class & text most of the time. why? because school is boring to me.
I KNOW.. i NEED it to find a decent job but for right now.. i’m okay being an NA at the local nursing home. for right now, i’m okay with making $8 an hour or whatever it is i’m making. because right now the only bills i have are my car payment & my credit card bill. yes, i owe mom & dad money, but its not like me going to college now is going to get them the money any faster. they’ll have the money before i’d even finish. & i can promise that. to tell you the truth, they’ll have the money here in about 4-6 weeks. GUARANTEED. as long as i can pay them & my bills too, they’ll get it here soon.
idk, i feel like a bad person. because i know i’m letting a shit ton of people down. but i just can’t do it. like i said earlier, i need to find myself. i need to be stable in my life before i can take on something like school. seriously.. you’ve seen my emotions go thru this. what is wrong w/ me? i’m a complete mess.
..i wanted to try online classes. figured it’d be easier on me, pretty much having like 2 weeks to do a few assignments, doing them when i wanted to.. not have a set time to get up & do them. THAT would be the type of school for me. i know its not really structured & maybe some structure is what i need in my life, but i can’t do it. its not happening.
maybe i also need more responsibility & i wouldnt be this way. maybe.. if i had my own place & didnt take mom & dad for granted, then maybe i’d have a more structured life and have more of a well-being. IDK, i dont get it, i dont understand what i’m suppose to do w/ my life, i dont know what i want in life. i just dont know.
..this is getting depressing.
“Suffocate”
Now even though I try to play it off
I’m thinking about you all day long
And I can’t wait for shorty to come through
From your lips and back up to your eyes
My hands on your hips when we grind
I’m fantasizing bout what I’m gonna do to you
Got me fiening for her love, can’t lie
Man you should see how she got me
Spending all this time with her.
And I could leave her if I wanted to
Her love turns men into fools
Tell me what a man is to do
Cuz I can’t breathe when you talk to me
I can’t breathe when you’re touching me
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind
I can’t breathe when you talk to me
I can’t breathe when you’re touching me
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind
Whenever we up in this bed
And my fingers fall in your hair
I wonder if you feel me watching you
Cuz I can’t go a night without your lovin
Got me looking at this phone
Every time it rings I hope it’s you girl
You got my bracing for your love
And I’ve fallen for you I can’t lie
I just wanna be with you
Yes she got me, there I said it
And somebody call the paramedics
Tell em to hurry up and come through
Cuz I can’t breathe when you talk to me (baby)
I can’t breathe when you’re touching me (when you touch me)
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind (I’m going outta my mind)
I can’t breathe when you talk to me
I can’t breathe when you’re touching me
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind
Don’t ever leave me girl
I need you inside my world
I can’t go a day without you
And see nobody else will ever do
I’ll never feel like I feel with you.
Cuz I can’t breathe when you talk to me
I can’t breathe when you’re touching me (when you touch me)
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind (I’m going outta my mind)
I can’t breathe when you talk to me (oh when you talk to me)
I can’t breathe when you’re touchin me (I can’t breathe when you touchin me)
I suffocate when you’re away from me
So much love you take from me
I’m going outta my mind (I’m going outta my mind)
Oh no no I can’t breathe
Oh no no I can’t breathe (I can’t breathe)
Oh no no I can’t breathe oh no
– wow. so, that pretty much sums up how i feel about darrell. except for that i really & truly believe that i don’t love him. but thats just how he makes me feel, ever since day 1. crazy, huh?
tomorrow we’re suppose to meet up so i can give him back his stuff. he called me yesterday & asked if i had a cd of his & a few other things. he didnt seem like he had a lot to say, but he also didnt seem like he wanted to rush the conversation & get off the phone quick either. but after i got the point of what he wanted, i was like “mhmm. yeah. ok.” just short things, because idk, things are awkward now. after we had the talk about how he thought we should be “just friends”, i told him; “well when we hang out now, i dont want either 1 of us to be weirded out.” he goes, “idk, i won’t be weirded out. things won’t be weird.” oh really? because i’m pretty sure things have gotten to be a little more than weird. what i should say & what i feel towards darrell is pretty much what me & crystal talked about on the phone. crystal thinks i should be straight-forward with him & tell him everything on my mind. & while that is ideal, i dont think i have the guts to tell him everything.
..i just want a friendship out of him now. i just want us to be able to hang out like we use to, goof off, have a good time; laugh at eachother. you know? so, i don’t really know what all i’ll actually be able to say to him tomorrow; i think if its not much.. that i might end up writing him a message online, because i think we all know; some things are easier said in writing, rather than in person.
but the thing is too, that part of me wants to meet up with him; in hopes that we’ll be able to just talk. but the other part of me doesn’t want to meet up with him at all, because i know he’ll more than likely grab his stuff out of my car & be like “ok thanks. cya around.” that would be AWKWARD. point blank, half of me doesn’t want to do it. at all. crystal said if thats what he does that i should be like “so what? thats it?” because she said & i know too, that he would stop, turn around & be like, “what do you mean?” THEN that would start the conversation as to what i feel & all that. he always did tell me that if i had something to say to him, to tell him straight up because he couldn’t read my mind. that if there’s something i want to talk to him about, to do it; because he can’t read my mind & he has no idea when i want to talk. and again, all of that sounds ideal too, but part of me is scared that he just.won’t.care.
..idk whats going to happen; i guess we’ll just wait & see. as much as i hope that tomorrow isn’t awkward & as much as i hope that we get to talk & figure things out; i don’t expect anything. nothing at all.
<//3
fainting at work today.
soo.. i woke up today around 11ish, 11:30.. whenever it was that kay texted me, i dont really remember. so i got a good night’s rest, i came upstairs & got on the computer, like i do every day. checked around on a few things, checked my e-mail, checked my fb, my myspace.. so that took me awhile. i decided to call crystal before i got something to eat because i was going to eat cereal & i knew if i called her after i had already poured the milk, then i wouldn’t be able to eat & it would just get soggy. so i called her, but she didnt pick up; but i was starving hungry, so i got myself some cereal anyway.
crystal called when i had eaten about 1/3 of my cereal, but i picked up anyway, because i didnt figure we’d be on the phone too long. we ended up talking on the phone for 35 minutes. A LOT longer than i expected us to talk, but anyways, obviously the 2/3s of my cereal that was left, was pretty soggy at this point. & it was already 1:05 & i still hadn’t brushed my teeth or showered yet. so i just poured my soggy cereal into the toilet bowl & flushed it. not thinking about how hungry i’d be later on. but then i ended up grabbing a small package of donuts just in case, because i thought i’d be able to eat those & it’d fill me up til suppertime.
i got to work, work went well for the first hour & a 1/2. i didnt feel hungry, i felt kind of dizzy at times, but i didnt really think anything of it. me & this girl i work with, lily, started talking about how hungry we were & how tired we were & how work was really the last place we wanted to be. i helped her get a few residents ready for supper, she helped me; then i went in w/ sandra to get a resident up & ready to go..
i remember at this point feeling pretty dizzy & having to stop & hold onto the ez lift on my way into the room to keep me up. after a few seconds of resting on it, i felt fine. i had also just eaten 1 of those mini donuts that i had brought along. we get 1 of the residents up, decide we should probably put her on the toilet before we change her & get her ready.. we were in the bathroom & i was running the ez lift machine & started to feel extremely dizzy, i actually remember looking at myself in the mirror & my eyesight was really fuzzy, i couldn’t concentrate on looking at myself. then sandra all of a sudden says, “are you ok? you look really pale.” i was like “do i really?” then the next thing i know, i remember my knees hitting the floor, then falling over to my side & hitting my head on the bathroom floor.
i don’t even remember the actual fall. i remember falling from my knees to my side & then hitting my head. but not the actual fall. i then remember, it seemed like only seconds later.. hearing sandra say, “omgosh, are you ok? here, come sit in this chair” & me getting myself up off the floor & sitting in the resident’s wheelchair. sandra said it seemed like 2 minutes before i even responded to her, but to me; it seemed like seconds. this i don’t remember, but sandra said that i had also gotten up off the floor on my own (i thought she had helped me); but i got up without her help & then sat in the wheelchair. i remember sitting there & hearing sandra say, “i’m going to put on my call light. i hope somebody comes quick to help you!!” then lily walking in & sandra telling lily to get the nurse. (idk why, but i also remember in this time.. eating 1/2 of 1 of those mini donuts, haha.)
the nurse then came in, asked me & sandra both what we remember. the nurse had lily go & get me a big glass of OJ & then the nurse took my vitals. the nurse took my pulse right away. she said i felt really clamy, said i was sweating & that i looked extremely pale. i just sat there, i didnt know what to do. lily came with the OJ & i remember taking a few big gulps. the nurse took my vitals & asked me if i was diabetic. i said no. i dont remember the actual BP, but my blood pressure was 100 over something. i don’t remember the bottom number; alls i remember is that my bp was extremely low. & then the nurse asking if it was usually that low & me responding with a quick “no.”
then, she asked me if i could get up out of the w/c because she wanted me to go sit in the nurse’s station; i said i thought i could. & i did. i remember walking down the hall & feeling the back of my pants. i must have really been sweating because it felt like i had peed my pants. (gross!) she had me sit in the office & finish the rest of my OJ. then 1 of the other cnas came in & brought me 1/2 of a roast beef sandwhich. i remember being kind of confused & her saying (which seemed really fast to me), “is this ok? is roast beef ok? i dont know if you like it or not, i just told them to give me a sandwhich, any sandwhich.” i remember laughing at her & being like, “yeah roast beef is good.” haha.
..i sat there & ate my sandwhich, it took me a good 10 minutes to finish half a sandwhich. then i went in to feed. when i got done feeding & was pushing residents out of the dining room, i remember feeling dizzy again; so i’d just rest where i was. when my break time came, i got a bunch of food. i was just thinking, any type of food has got to be good. i just need food. when i got into the breakroom & started eating, NONE of the food tasted good. it all tasted really gross to me. i even got another class of OJ thinking the vitamins would be really good for me. i only drank about half of the oj, because that too tasted gross. these were foods i’d normally enjoy; like salsbury steak, mashed potatos & gravy, bean&bacon soup, apple crisp for dessert. but it all tasted really gross. then i decided i should probably get a mt. dew to get all the sugars out of it. figured that’d help me out a lot. even the mt. dew tasted gross, i didnt get it.
..the mt. dew ended up making me pretty hyper. haha, but then i went to help lift a resident & i started getting dizzy again. anyways, i know this is long; but me & sandra ended up deciding that i obviously fainted because i didnt get much to eat. & that the stinch of the urine smell of the resident probably didnt help at all.
so. what lesson did emily learn today at work? EAT before trying to do a physical job, where lifting is involved, 8 hour shift.
kind of the crappy way to do it, but man; it sure was a lesson learned. i dont want to feel like that ever again!!