in reguards to my mom’s post.

i DO know that me & bryan are broken up, i DO know that he is free to do what he wants. & so am i. i do not feel that he is “using me” as my parents say. he stays here.. yes. thats because i care for him & he cares for me too. mom & dad go on saying over & over “we think he’s using you, he’s just telling you he loves you to strike his ego”. but the thing is you do not know that. you do not know bryan like i know him. no, i don’t have “blinders” on. i can see, i’m not stupid. i know, you’re going to say “we never said you were stupid, we’re just trying to watch out for you”.

and i understand that. i really & truly do. but you guys telling me that he can’t stay over any more.. thats heartbreaking. & no, i don’t necessarily think you’re going to make it so that i’m losing my chance with him, but i do feel thats disrespectful.. like i’ve said before. i know its your house, but this is my house too. this is where bryan has also lived.

i talked to him today on the phone & he told me that he still feels everything that we talked about before he left. so that means he still feels we have a pretty big chance of getting back together & he still loves me. even if we don’t get back together, i’m pretty sure we’ll be pretty good friends. so IF we break up, i might still have him over from time to time as a friend.. is that too, going to bother you?

i’m just saying.. i know you guys are trying to watch out for me, but i think you should let me do this on my own. its mine & bryan’s relationship. not mine & bryan’s, ohh & your’s & dad’s too. bc its not, its mine & bryan’s. so let us figure this out.

i do love him. & he says he loves me.. and i believe him; bc i have no reason not to. maybe it’s my fault you & dad are so far into this.. because i’ve told you so much & cried to you guys so much. & if that is the reason why.. i’m sorry. but i think this is something that we need to do ourselves. & if i want to talk to you guys about it.. i hope you’ll be there to listen. but i can’t take you guys continually telling me things that are just making me 2nd guess myself.

please let him stay over thanksgiving break.. let us figure things out. like i told you earlier too mom.. if he comes to me & says theres no way we’re going to ever get back together again.. obviously i’m not going to say “oh, its ok.. you can still stay here though”. thats not how its going to be.. we just need our time.

so since.. about tuesday.. haha, so yesterday. things have been going a lot better. bryan & i have been getting along so well, its great.

i can’t wait to see him! he’s not coming home til friday.. but it’ll be so good to see him. he’s going to come home early enough on friday that while i’m in class, he can go see his grandparents & then he’ll be able to come home & see me/hang out with me for a bit, before i have to go to work at 3. then he’ll come in & see me & jean at work.. then he’s planning on heading off to work for a bit so he can make some extra money.

well, my baby, keira.. wants me. so i better go! =]

<333

so, i’m back home from Cedar Falls.. & so far, idk. i miss bryan like crazy.. and i know we talked about all the stupid shit people said, but really.. its like eating away at my head. so much that i feel like my heart is breaking. like it really feels like my heart is skipping a beat, because i feel like crap.

i trust bryan, i really do. i just don’t trust other ppl.. by that i mean the people that say shit just to, how i see it, to make me mad. i feel like people are trying to break us apart because they know of all the good things we had, and what we DO have. mom pointed out to me that i do some of the same things i get mad at bryan for.. but i do these things with people we BOTH know.. not just somebody he knows. it drives me nuts.

like seriously.. this girl. BJ says he thinks she’s afraid of me. which made me happy for awhile.. but thats not what i want. thats not what’s going to make me happy. to hear somebody’s afraid of me.. so maybe, just maybe she’ll leave my boyfriend alone? it doesnt make sense that, that would make me feel better. so maybe she is afraid of me & won’t talk to anybody when i’m hanging out with them.. but whats to keep her from him when i’m NOT there?

mom says that if he were to cheat on me, that i should tell him that he just needs to tell me the truth & that i would still like to be friends with him. i do agree to some extent. he does need to tell me, if he did anything to me. i mean really, i’ve come clean with him with every guy that i ever liked since we’ve been dating. so i know i’ve had a few shares of my own, but i’ve come out & told him. & i hope to God, that he would do the same.. because i think i deserve at least that much. i don’t think i could be friends with bryan if he cheated on me.. but then again, i think i’d also have a faint of heart & take him back in an instant. isn’t that pathetic?

but he’s all that i know. he’s pretty much my world, and if that were to just drop in a min. because 1 or a few days seemed more important at the time than an entire 4 1/2 years together? i think i would go completely insane.

so i didn’t write this for anybody, you mom, to worry about me. i wrote it because i needed to get it off my chest & now, i feel a little bit better about it. & i know i’ll talk to bryan about it tonight & probably be completely over it. but its just one of those things.. that if i didn’t tell it, it was going to eat away at me.

i love him. he really is my everything, most important thing to me next to my family. i want to marry him, i want to have kids with him.. but what if thats all torn away because of 1 day that just seemed worth it all?

i just really am afraid of losing him.. please God, don’t let me lose him for any reason at all. please help us both be failful to eachother. please, please.. don’t take him away from me.

Ohh this little girl. She is QUITE adorable. I just love her to pieces.

Last night, she was in such a good mood! I couldn’t believe how well-behaved she was being. Except with the little her not wanting to keep her hands off/away from the laptop so I had to smack her fingers repeatedly. I don’t really know what was with that? She also kept wanting to pull the cord out of the back, so that it wouldn’t charge.

But of course, other than that.. she was incredibly cute. I got 7 kisses in just 1 sitting! I just puckered my lips out for her to kiss them & she had her face next to mine, whispering to me quite the story & then she’d just lean in & kiss me. Oh how I love her kisses, she is perfection, I swear. So perfect, that I don’t think Matt&Crystal could make a cuter one!

Or myself for that matter.. she really makes me realize how badly I want children of my own! She’s such a little booger & can be quite the little butthead, but on days like yesterday, she was a perfect little angel. Oh, also with the exception of her trying to hit me while we were at Dollar General, but she’ll learn!

I love that little niece of mine.

I know everybody has been this way, at least everybody in my family. But when you’re crabby or irritated with something, you take it out on other people/things. And well I’m guilty of doing that very thing tonight..

I was irritated with something that I shouldn’t have been, something I over-analyzed & made too much of. Anyways, I took it out quite a few times, at different times throughout the day.. on my mom.

I feel bad, extremely really. It’s something that I just don’t think about until later on & I think “Man, that was pretty crappy of me..” I did little things like raise my voice at her.. for stupid reasons, I don’t get it now.

Also, I’m going to see Bryan this weekend, leave Friday after class & then return mid-Sunday. This actually scares me, like thinking about it now.. I’m going to miss mom & dad so much. Ha, I actually sound kind of like a baby.. but I don’t care. It’s just going to be weird. I know I’ll call them, it’s just I don’t know how to explain it in any other word than weird. Ha. And I do believe I’ll come home mid-Sunday because I’ll want to just relax after the 1 1/2 hr. car ride & just be able to catch up with mom & dad.

I can’t wait to see Bryan, but I’m definitely going to miss mom & dad too. I told them earlier, “I’m never going to be able to move out.” Haha. We’ll see though.

Well it’s time for bed.. & mom when you read this, if I don’t tell you beforehand (which I might not, since you’re already asleep). I’m sorry for being difficult & being grouchy earlier.. & I love you.

Goodnight all!

<333