here it is.. 1:30 in the morning & i have so much on my mind. why can’t people (like my mom, because thats really who i’d like to talk to right now..) be more un-normal & be up with me during these times of the night?!

right now, i could actually care less about darrell; well i do, but i don’t. i just want to stop having any feeling toward him at all. maybe us not being friends would be for the better. i dont even know if what i’m saying even makes sense right now.

i.. really want to drop out of school. even though that could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever. especially right now. but i do. i’ve done messed up & gotten myself too far behind in 3/4 of my classes. especially in comp2, there’s probably no way i’d pass that class this semester, even if i started trying now. & the same with intro to philosophy. intro to psych i could probably still pass, but lets face it; i’m not into school, school isn’t interesting to me right now.

its one of those types of things that you have to WANT to do or else you’re not going to do it. its bad, i know.. trust me, i know. i know that i’m letting a bunch of people down right now, i know i’m making an ass of myself. honestly.. who can’t handle a community college? other than myself. i just feel like i need time for myself right now. i think i need to find ME. find out who i am.. find out what i want to do w/ my life. because yes, ideally, i’d love to be a nurse; but honestly.. come on. is that really me? is that really what I want to do? i have no idea.. i’m just going off of that because thats what i wanted in high school. what i also wanted in high school was for me & bryan to be together forever & look where that got me.

i know the 1st thing mom is going to say to me, “emily.. you need college. do you really want to be a janitor for the rest of your life?” & no, hell no thats not what i want. but i dont want to do something that i’m not even trying for or even caring about right now either. right now.. i need to focus on myself & work. the person i’m afraid of disappointing the most tho.. is my dad. i can just see him rolling his eyes, then saying something to my mom about how much money i’ve wasted & how i’m throwing my life away. goddd. now i’m getting all teary-eyed, this sucks.

i dont want to be a college-dropout. i always told mom & dad when i was growing up that i’d be the 1st kid in the family to successfully finish both high school & college. but lets face it, i’m not completeing college successfully at all. i’m not even trying. theres times when i dont even care. you know what i enjoy the most about going to class? the interaction with other people. i don’t really like listening to the teacher talk, i’m usually not interested in what they’re saying.. i sit in class & text most of the time. why? because school is boring to me.

I KNOW.. i NEED it to find a decent job but for right now.. i’m okay being an NA at the local nursing home. for right now, i’m okay with making $8 an hour or whatever it is i’m making. because right now the only bills i have are my car payment & my credit card bill. yes, i owe mom & dad money, but its not like me going to college now is going to get them the money any faster. they’ll have the money before i’d even finish. & i can promise that. to tell you the truth, they’ll have the money here in about 4-6 weeks. GUARANTEED. as long as i can pay them & my bills too, they’ll get it here soon.

idk, i feel like a bad person. because i know i’m letting a shit ton of people down. but i just can’t do it. like i said earlier, i need to find myself. i need to be stable in my life before i can take on something like school. seriously.. you’ve seen my emotions go thru this. what is wrong w/ me? i’m a complete mess.

..i wanted to try online classes. figured it’d be easier on me, pretty much having like 2 weeks to do a few assignments, doing them when i wanted to.. not have a set time to get up & do them. THAT would be the type of school for me. i know its not really structured & maybe some structure is what i need in my life, but i can’t do it. its not happening.

maybe i also need more responsibility & i wouldnt be this way. maybe.. if i had my own place & didnt take mom & dad for granted, then maybe i’d have a more structured life and have more of a well-being. IDK, i dont get it, i dont understand what i’m suppose to do w/ my life, i dont know what i want in life. i just dont know.

..this is getting depressing.

i’m sorry, but this just pisses me off royally.

 a few weeks back, mom said that if i didnt do something about finding my certificate from kirkwood that i was going to “mess things up” with becoming a cna. it pissed me off at the time & i know she knows it, because she ended up calling me & apologizing about it later.

& now its almost midnight & i have to be up at 5:30 tomorrow morning to get ready & make it up to davenport by 7:30 in the morning to take my tests & dad wakes up & asks what time it is.. i reply, “almost midnight” & he says, “you’re not going to make it, theres no way”. thanks for the faith, thanks a lot.

..i AM going to make it there in the morning. i feel like everybody’s giving up on me. i’m not a fucking failure, i know what i have to do. if i dont pass the skills tomorrow, i’m not going to blame it on any body but myself, but i do think if i dont pass them its because i havent done most of them in so long.

have a little faith in me, i’m 18 years old, i’m young & i do stupid things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean i’m a mess-up. i know dad didn’t mean it in that way at all, but seriously.. thats how it came across & i can’t help but be mad about it.

i’m just so overwhelmed with everything thats going on in my life right now. working 8 hour days for the first time ever, knowing that i need to start concentrating on school, things with darrell & i have people that come to me with their problems like i’m suppose to fix them somehow. i can’t do it all, i just want a vacation or something. i just want people to be happier, i myself want to be happier. i want darrell back in my life, even if that means just as friends & only hanging out once a week. i mean, i dont know thats not going to happen, but i bet it doesnt happen that way. and on top of everything else, its february, pretty much the most depressing month ever. i freaking miss ben, i dont understand why things happen the way they do.

..i just want things to be easier. theres a saying that says, “you only have the life you live because God knows you’re strong enough to get through it”, but idk.. its just hard right now. idk what i need, but i need something to happen so that i’m not feeling this way any more. i’ve been feeling this way pretty much ever since darrell decided we should stop hanging out so much; & the other things just happen to fall in place too.

idk, i dont get it. but i need to get some sleep before i take those tests tomorrow. wish me good luck. (good luck!) because i have a feeling i’ll need it.

<//3

in reguards to my mom’s post.

i DO know that me & bryan are broken up, i DO know that he is free to do what he wants. & so am i. i do not feel that he is “using me” as my parents say. he stays here.. yes. thats because i care for him & he cares for me too. mom & dad go on saying over & over “we think he’s using you, he’s just telling you he loves you to strike his ego”. but the thing is you do not know that. you do not know bryan like i know him. no, i don’t have “blinders” on. i can see, i’m not stupid. i know, you’re going to say “we never said you were stupid, we’re just trying to watch out for you”.

and i understand that. i really & truly do. but you guys telling me that he can’t stay over any more.. thats heartbreaking. & no, i don’t necessarily think you’re going to make it so that i’m losing my chance with him, but i do feel thats disrespectful.. like i’ve said before. i know its your house, but this is my house too. this is where bryan has also lived.

i talked to him today on the phone & he told me that he still feels everything that we talked about before he left. so that means he still feels we have a pretty big chance of getting back together & he still loves me. even if we don’t get back together, i’m pretty sure we’ll be pretty good friends. so IF we break up, i might still have him over from time to time as a friend.. is that too, going to bother you?

i’m just saying.. i know you guys are trying to watch out for me, but i think you should let me do this on my own. its mine & bryan’s relationship. not mine & bryan’s, ohh & your’s & dad’s too. bc its not, its mine & bryan’s. so let us figure this out.

i do love him. & he says he loves me.. and i believe him; bc i have no reason not to. maybe it’s my fault you & dad are so far into this.. because i’ve told you so much & cried to you guys so much. & if that is the reason why.. i’m sorry. but i think this is something that we need to do ourselves. & if i want to talk to you guys about it.. i hope you’ll be there to listen. but i can’t take you guys continually telling me things that are just making me 2nd guess myself.

please let him stay over thanksgiving break.. let us figure things out. like i told you earlier too mom.. if he comes to me & says theres no way we’re going to ever get back together again.. obviously i’m not going to say “oh, its ok.. you can still stay here though”. thats not how its going to be.. we just need our time.

so since.. about tuesday.. haha, so yesterday. things have been going a lot better. bryan & i have been getting along so well, its great.

i can’t wait to see him! he’s not coming home til friday.. but it’ll be so good to see him. he’s going to come home early enough on friday that while i’m in class, he can go see his grandparents & then he’ll be able to come home & see me/hang out with me for a bit, before i have to go to work at 3. then he’ll come in & see me & jean at work.. then he’s planning on heading off to work for a bit so he can make some extra money.

well, my baby, keira.. wants me. so i better go! =]

<333

so, i’m back home from Cedar Falls.. & so far, idk. i miss bryan like crazy.. and i know we talked about all the stupid shit people said, but really.. its like eating away at my head. so much that i feel like my heart is breaking. like it really feels like my heart is skipping a beat, because i feel like crap.

i trust bryan, i really do. i just don’t trust other ppl.. by that i mean the people that say shit just to, how i see it, to make me mad. i feel like people are trying to break us apart because they know of all the good things we had, and what we DO have. mom pointed out to me that i do some of the same things i get mad at bryan for.. but i do these things with people we BOTH know.. not just somebody he knows. it drives me nuts.

like seriously.. this girl. BJ says he thinks she’s afraid of me. which made me happy for awhile.. but thats not what i want. thats not what’s going to make me happy. to hear somebody’s afraid of me.. so maybe, just maybe she’ll leave my boyfriend alone? it doesnt make sense that, that would make me feel better. so maybe she is afraid of me & won’t talk to anybody when i’m hanging out with them.. but whats to keep her from him when i’m NOT there?

mom says that if he were to cheat on me, that i should tell him that he just needs to tell me the truth & that i would still like to be friends with him. i do agree to some extent. he does need to tell me, if he did anything to me. i mean really, i’ve come clean with him with every guy that i ever liked since we’ve been dating. so i know i’ve had a few shares of my own, but i’ve come out & told him. & i hope to God, that he would do the same.. because i think i deserve at least that much. i don’t think i could be friends with bryan if he cheated on me.. but then again, i think i’d also have a faint of heart & take him back in an instant. isn’t that pathetic?

but he’s all that i know. he’s pretty much my world, and if that were to just drop in a min. because 1 or a few days seemed more important at the time than an entire 4 1/2 years together? i think i would go completely insane.

so i didn’t write this for anybody, you mom, to worry about me. i wrote it because i needed to get it off my chest & now, i feel a little bit better about it. & i know i’ll talk to bryan about it tonight & probably be completely over it. but its just one of those things.. that if i didn’t tell it, it was going to eat away at me.

i love him. he really is my everything, most important thing to me next to my family. i want to marry him, i want to have kids with him.. but what if thats all torn away because of 1 day that just seemed worth it all?

i just really am afraid of losing him.. please God, don’t let me lose him for any reason at all. please help us both be failful to eachother. please, please.. don’t take him away from me.

Ohh this little girl. She is QUITE adorable. I just love her to pieces.

Last night, she was in such a good mood! I couldn’t believe how well-behaved she was being. Except with the little her not wanting to keep her hands off/away from the laptop so I had to smack her fingers repeatedly. I don’t really know what was with that? She also kept wanting to pull the cord out of the back, so that it wouldn’t charge.

But of course, other than that.. she was incredibly cute. I got 7 kisses in just 1 sitting! I just puckered my lips out for her to kiss them & she had her face next to mine, whispering to me quite the story & then she’d just lean in & kiss me. Oh how I love her kisses, she is perfection, I swear. So perfect, that I don’t think Matt&Crystal could make a cuter one!

Or myself for that matter.. she really makes me realize how badly I want children of my own! She’s such a little booger & can be quite the little butthead, but on days like yesterday, she was a perfect little angel. Oh, also with the exception of her trying to hit me while we were at Dollar General, but she’ll learn!

I love that little niece of mine.

I know everybody has been this way, at least everybody in my family. But when you’re crabby or irritated with something, you take it out on other people/things. And well I’m guilty of doing that very thing tonight..

I was irritated with something that I shouldn’t have been, something I over-analyzed & made too much of. Anyways, I took it out quite a few times, at different times throughout the day.. on my mom.

I feel bad, extremely really. It’s something that I just don’t think about until later on & I think “Man, that was pretty crappy of me..” I did little things like raise my voice at her.. for stupid reasons, I don’t get it now.

Also, I’m going to see Bryan this weekend, leave Friday after class & then return mid-Sunday. This actually scares me, like thinking about it now.. I’m going to miss mom & dad so much. Ha, I actually sound kind of like a baby.. but I don’t care. It’s just going to be weird. I know I’ll call them, it’s just I don’t know how to explain it in any other word than weird. Ha. And I do believe I’ll come home mid-Sunday because I’ll want to just relax after the 1 1/2 hr. car ride & just be able to catch up with mom & dad.

I can’t wait to see Bryan, but I’m definitely going to miss mom & dad too. I told them earlier, “I’m never going to be able to move out.” Haha. We’ll see though.

Well it’s time for bed.. & mom when you read this, if I don’t tell you beforehand (which I might not, since you’re already asleep). I’m sorry for being difficult & being grouchy earlier.. & I love you.

Goodnight all!

<333

so this weekend dad & paula are going to michigan just for the sake of going i suppose.. its going to be weird without dad here. so much that i’m pretty sure it’ll make me that much happier he is in my life.

so the weekend will be a weekend of me & mom, & keira on saturday night.. but i do know how mom loves her alone time so i was thinking of going & seeing bryan on sunday. just take a 1 day trip up to CF to see him and we can just hang out & do whatever we choose. i think it’ll be good, i can see what he does on a day-to-day basis, even though he says its quite boring, i’ll just have to see for myself.

plus, i think its good for me to go up there because bryan’s not for sure coming back home until the 29th of this month. that is quite a ways away for me to wait & not see him.

speaking of bryan, we had this really good talk this past weekend.. about trust & hiding things from eachother & so on. i do trust him, but even he knows that there are 2 things within the past 2 years that he has tried hiding from me. they weren’t even really bad things, just things he hid from me because he didn’t want me to get upset. but he should just know that hiding things from me is going to make it 10X worse. i think i finally got it thru to him, but we’ll see. i hope i don’t catch him in another “lie” again. this has been 2 times in the past 2 years & there were a few things that he hid from me too when we first started dating, but then, i can see & understand those because those happened within 6 months of our relationship.

but now, being almost 4 1/2 years into our relationship, he should just know not to hide things from me. ugh, its frustrating just thinking about it, but i shouldn’t let it bother me.. we did talk about it & he says he won’t do it again. if he does, i don’t really know what i’m going to do, be extremely upset i know.. but idk.

he also made me understand that he misses me too, that i make it sound like i wait at home for him & miss him so much. he says he misses me too & he too, waits for the end of the week so he can come home. i understand that now. i really do, i think we really needed that talk.

well, my favorite show is going to be on in 3 minutes! if its not already, so i need to go watch it!!

<333

..long enough post ma?