Happy 18th Birthday Benny.
Not a day goes by, that I don’t think of you.
Today would have been your 18th birthday. 18! That’s so young.. seriously, Ben. I don’t know what you were going through or what you were thinking; but I just wish you would have told somebody. Why did it have to come down to this? You were SO young, you were only 16. Was it really that bad that you thought nothing would be able to make it better?
..I heard a lot of the boys in the ‘08 class were going to get tattoos today, in remembrance of you. It’s so hard for everybody. Your 2 years is coming up so quick.. ughh Ben, why? I freaking miss you so much, I remember the day we found out like it was yesterday.
..We all were on our way to first period. The teachers were all late for class, they were in the library having a meeting. Sometimes this was a normal thing, so we didn’t really think anything of it. Then the teachers came out with tears in their eyes, some crying really hard, some showing no emotion at all. We were like, “Wow, this is odd, I wonder what happened?” I remember me & Jessica going into 1st period & seeing Mrs. Clark whipe away her tears. We asked her what was wrong & she just shook her head. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then over the intercom, they announced for all the sophomores to go to the auditorium. This was SO stupid of me & Jess, but honestly, we looked at eachother & said, “Oh, its a sophomore, WHO CARES, we probably didn’t know them any way.” How freaking shitty of us to even think something like that; how horrible it was for us to say that. We were being so selfish, so stupid & immature.
..Then 5 minutes later, Mrs. Rodocker came in & said a fellow high school student had died. We just sat there.. then she said your name. Your name, Ben. “Ben Mullink passed away last night.” WHAT? NO WAY!! Its not fucking possible, I just saw him yesterday!!!! I remember gasping for air & I started bawling my eyes out. I remember saying, “God, no.. please don’t let this be true, pleeeease God, not Ben.” I couldn’t breathe, I had no idea what had happened. It was during state wrestling, so I figured maybe you had gotten in a car accident on your way home from Des Moines. I remember calling my mom & her trying to be strong when she answered the phone, “Hi honey,” “mom, did you hear?” & then I remember my mom crying & telling me how sorry she was.
..I couldn’t believe it. There was no way.. people couldn’t seriously be there one day & gone the next. It wasn’t possible, you weren’t sick, you were in good health, you were popular, everybody loved your jokes & loved hanging out with you. I remember the last time I was with you, I treated you like shit. Can you believe it? I was being stupid and being a total bitch to you. For no reason at all, just because I had seniority over you at the grocery store. How STUPID of me. Did I honestly think I was better than you in some way? You were freaking gorgeous, you had BEAUTIFUL eyes & an incredible smile. I love & miss you so much Ben, you have no idea. Did you not think that people would miss you? I feel like we failed you in a way, we didn’t show you how much we cared while you were here. Everybody misses you, I can’t even imagine how wrecked the kids are at the high school today. You would have been a senior this year Ben. 3 more months & you would have been outta that school.
..I love you & I miss you so much Ben. I just wish you would have talked to somebody, let somebodyknow what was going on, how you felt. Its still so unreal.
I love you Benjamin Patrick. RIP Buddy.
02-07-90 — 02-24-06
say whaat?
quick update before i go to my last day on the job at dollar general.
..me & darrell are no longer together, but are still pretty good friends, idk whats going to happen with us honestly.. it’d be nice to know, but patience, patience, patience i guess. ha. me & bryan are talking.. well were, are.. sort of.
nothing else is really new.. starting at the simpson home as an na.. then taking my test to become certified. like i said, last day at dollar general today.. wish i didnt even have to go; but its only 1 more day i guess.
&& thats about all, i’m posting because mom said i needed to update. so here it is!
<333
update on my life, recently.
I haven’t written in so long, so I figured I should update with everything that has been going on.
Last time, I do believe I said I had a new crush, but didn’t want to say too much about it because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But.. now, we’re “seeing eachother”, so I figured I should write about it. His name is Darrell, he’s 22.. he’s sooo nice & so respectful. It’s great. We only met a couple weeks ago, but so far.. things are going great. We even decided the other night that we were officially “seeing eachother” & not seeing anybody else. But that we’re not going to date quite yet, because we both agreed that I may not be ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So hopefully things continue to go well. 
I saw Bryan yesterday.. first time since Thanksgiving. We really didn’t have much to say to eachother. Kind of found it odd, we dated for 4 1/2 years & couldn’t find a thing to say. But oh well, everything happens for a reason, right? I talked to Darrell on the phone last night & told him I saw Bryan & he goes, “Oh.. was it love all over again?” & I was like, “No, definitely not.” & he goes, “Well that’s good to know.” =] I think I’ve just finally realized that things with Bryan aren’t going any where. Meeting & hanging out with Darrell has definitely helped me realize this and I’m glad, because it was about time something made me realize it. Like my mom has said, I’m pretty sure everything with Bryan is a closed-book. & for right now, I’m okay with that. I know there will come a day I’ll think about him & miss him, but for right now.. its good. Its where it should be.
Myyy weight. Since Bryan & I have broken up, I have now lost about 27 lbs. I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of or not.. I mean, I am just because I needed to lose weight; at the time I didn’t really want Bryan breaking up with me to be the reason I lost all the weight, but it worked. Mom seems a little worried, like she thinks I’m getting too skinny. But idk, I eat.. I really do, anybody can ask Crystal, I go over there every day & eat her out of food. Ha. I don’t know.
Lately, I have people calling me & texting me all the time to do something with them. It’s nice! I’m really & truly lucky that I still have friends. I seriously dropped all of them for Bryan.. & I’m really lucky they are able to push that aside & still be friends with me. Especially Kay.. because we were really close there for awhile & hen we stopped & now we’re slowly becoming really good friends again. We’re going shopping tomorrow.. I plan on just finishing up on xmas gifts.. but still, it’ll be a good time.
Well thats my life lately.. now I’m going to go jump in the shower, probably go to the tanning place to see if she has any openings.. then go over to Crystal’s.
<333
umm..
so.. lately.. hmm.
i’ve found myself a new crush, tho i don’t really want to say much about it, because idk whats going on or whats going to happen really. but we hung out friday night at jeremy & lorena’s. & like i said, i’m “crushing” on him, but i guess we’ll just see what happens. i dont want to jinx myself & i dont want to get my hopes up, even though i think i already have.. but, i’m trying not to. i just need to wait & see.. no wonder why i’m so impatient. i swear i’m always waiting for something..
thinking about this new crush of mine.. really takes my mind off of bryan. which is great, because idk, me & bryan aren’t really talking too much. but then when i do think about bryan, man do i really think. i really sit there & let it all flow out of me. its weird. idk how to describe it.
..yeah i had a lot more on my mind when i went to write this message, but i’m getting really tired, so i’ll just leave it here & go to bed.
<333
old friends.
i love getting in touch with old friends.
kay & i have been talking lately again. its great to catch up with her. we had a couple heart-to-hearts tonight. it was nice. =] we talked about her boyfriend, bryan, her roommates, soon to be ex-roommates.
then we talked about how we should road-trip or do something exciting for spring break. her, me & maybe a few others. that’d be super exciting. we didnt know where for sure we should go, but we agreed on somewhere warm. i still wouldnt mind going down to florida for spring break.. be on the beach, ahh i’d love it. but idk, last time checked, tickets during that time were $600!! dont think i can afford that, plus everything else down there. plus i doubt any of my friends could either. so we’ll see.
we are going to hang out saturday night, we dont know for sure what we’re doing yet, i dont get off til 8 & she probably wont get in town til 8, so she said she was going to come over here & hangout while i got ready. hopefully we find something to do.. like tomorrow. haha. or else idk what we’ll do. we shall see about that one too.
thats all i’ve got for this one.
