again, i haven’t written in a long time, but i’ve really been thinking here lately.

its the first of october & last year at this time, i still thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with bryan; i still thought we had that “spunk” we needed in our relationship to keep it going. i knew it was hard with him being an hour drive away & we had been arguing a lot, but i still thought we had enough love & connection to keep our relationship going even though he seemed to be so far away. little did i know that he had probably already had the thought cross through his mind, more than once, to break up with me. to be “single” to see how life was because he “thought he might have missed out on something during high school.” during this whole time, i was oblivious, i thought things were great, we’d never break up.

its amazing how many things have changed since then. first & foremost, i feel i have gotten over bryan for the most part. of course i still care about him & probably think about him every day; but he was my first love & there may never come a day when i don’t think about him. second, i had altogether lost 42 lbs because of bryan. i dropped out of 2 of my classes at the time & then ended up dropping out my 2nd semester because i was having such a hard time dealing with the thought of us not being together. i have now gained back about 12 lbs, but i’m okay with that. its showing that i am happy again, i feel i am completely happy now for the first time in so long. in almost a year.

i’ve kept about the same amount of friends, but then i have gained friends. people have told me, “you were so bitchy when you were with bryan.. but now you’re so mellow & fun.” which of course makes me feel good. adam & i were talking about first loves & i told him it’d be a year me & bryan broke up in mid-october & he says, “a year already? wow, seems like that went by fast.” & you know what.. it seemed to take forever at the beginning, but honestly now looking back on it, even though i remember it like it was yesterday, this past year has gone by pretty fast..

so, for some odd reason.. today has been the first day since mine & jesse’s argument last tuesday that i’ve actually sat down & not been able to get my mind off of him. idk what it is or why. its really bothering me tho. i really dont understand why.. jesse treated me like crap & always blamed me for things i didnt even do. its like he was trying to find ways to not be with me the whole time. & this time, this relationship; i know its not my fault. because i know jesse’s immature & i never should have thought that he was actually going to be ready for a long-term commitment. which is what i want, its what i always want.

matt said to me the other day, “you know, it seems like you’re out to find a forever-thing & nothing short termed.” & i said back, “yeah, short time is only fun for awhile; i feel like the short-terms are a waste of my time” he agreed. ugh its aggravating. i can’t stand it tho, WHY do i even care?

its exactly what the quote says, sometimes, you DO have to forget how you feel and you have to remember what you deserve, because i know damn well i dont deserve how jesse treated me. i just dont, nobody does. its not right.

..lately hanging out with adam has been amazing. we have so much fun, he makes me laugh. i love when a guy can make me laugh. adam has me laughing ALL the time; there’s never ever ever a dull moment with him. we can be sitting there, not talking about anything & i’m still having a good time. adam & i haven’t come out & told eachother we like eachother, but i’m pretty sure its obvious. duhh. we don’t always have something to say to eachother, but its never awkward either. sadly, i am excited to see what becomes of us.

ahhh.

i remember saying after me & darrell broke up that i wanted to be chased. i wanted somebody to be so involved around me & crazy about me, like i had been about bryan. and then darrell. & now jesse.

mom pointed out to me while me & jesse were dating that that was how jesse was with me. there was never a day that passed by that jesse didnt tell me i was beautiful. whether i had just got done puting make-up on, or if i had just opened my eyes, just barely waking up, to see him looking at me. me, my hair all a mess & my make-up smeared from sleeping on it. “you’re beautiful,” he use to tell me. & he use to send me the most random text messages, “i love you”, “i cant wait to see you”. he use to send me texts saying, “you’re so amazing. i love how you make me feel.”

i miss how jesse use to let me fall asleep on his chest. all cuddled up, his arms around me, my head on his chest; him kissing my forehead. one time, i had fallen asleep next to jesse on his living room floor; i woke up to jesse puting an arm under my shoulders & an arm under my legs. he lifted me up & carried me to his bed. like i was a baby.. something he didnt have to take care of, but wanted to. i remember just wrapping my arms around him. you know.. like a scene from a movie or something, on the couple’s wedding night. that was how he carried me..

i hate how when we talk, we usually start off good, but end up arguing. jesse’s scared that i’m going to hurt him. i’ve lied to him once, a little innocent lie, but apparently it was enough to scare him. he’s scared that because i have lied to him before, that it’ll be so easy for me to do it again. when i dont want to hurt jesse, i want to be with him. but he’s scared, he really is. whether he actually admits to it or not, he has this guard, like a wall.. surrounding his heart because he doesnt want to be hurt. i actually think thats why jesse’s been around.. 14 not 43 mom, lol. but because he knew it was just for the fun, knew nothing serious was going to come of it.

jesse admitted to me after we broke up that he was starting to scare himself with the words he said to me. when he started telling me that he wanted us to move in together & could see us together for a long time. i could see those things too; but i told him that i dont make way-out-there future plans because i had before & i’m not about to do it again, just to get shot down. but in a way, i think i did. because if i hadnt.. why would i honestly be this hurt?

what jesse & i need is to get together & just talk. about everything. how we feel about us, about our relationship, our friendship. everything. but jesse has this little shield up to protect him. he’s scared. he’s really confusing actually.. he wanted to surprise me tuesday by coming by WL. he had even talked to matt about it, but then texted me at 3:30 tuesday morning to say he didnt know whether it was a good idea or not because, he’s “frustrated with me. …with us, the whole situation”. so am i! this definitely hasnt been a walk in the park for me.

jesse seems to think this whole thing has been easy for me. because the day after we broke up, i went downtown with friends to drink & dance. what was i suppose to do? sit at home & cry? i’ve done that before, i’m not doing that again. like mom said, i can’t afford to lose another 40 lbs because of some boy. i’ve actually lost about 5 since jesse & i have been broken up.

my plan: is to not contact jesse & let him contact me first. i’ve done this twice now. the first time, was because jesse told me he needed his space; then a day & a half later, he calls me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he loves me. the next time i did it, lasted about half a day, when jesse texts me saying he’s done with me, because he heard i supposedly hung out with his bestfriend. umm no. definitely didnt do that one. but as you know, we didnt stop talking.

i just want jesse to realize that he misses me. he admitted yesterday that he does love me. which made me feel good but then wonder why we’re not together. ahhh. i almost feel like i want this more than i wanted me & bryan to get back together. i cried so much more when bryan & i broke up.. but like i told mom today, its not that heartbreak gets easier, but you already know what it feels like & whats going to happen next, so its not as big of a shock as the first time you get your heart broken.

moral of the novel i just wrote; i miss jesse karl. =(

i want him back.

to make a long story short, i went up to CR tonight.. to eventually see jesse.

we didnt really talk at first, so we sent texts back & forth because he was being an ass. finally, i got through to him & told him that i really just wanted to talk to him; & threw in the ‘please’ too. after that text, he said “ok fine. we’ll go talk after this fight is over.” (we were watching ufc at bww’s.) when the fight was over, he texted me, “lets go” so we got up & went out to his explorer.

RIGHT away, jesse had that smirk on his face, his “i’m going to say idc but inside, i do” smirk. so right away, i knew he had plenty going through his mind. –hold on. darryl worley- i miss my friend is on.. 1 of my songs to jesse at the moment. UGH.– anyways, we got to his truck & after him being dumb, saying he didnt know what my deal was, blah blah. he finally let his guard down & said the main reason he broke up with me was because i didnt trust him. that he wasn’t bryan or darrell & he wasnt going to cheat on me or break up with me for somebody else. also that i take the littlest things & make them out to be something huge. especially when he’s talking to his friends, that are girls. & i have to agree; things i’ve gotten mad about have been pretty innocent, but i get to thinking & just assume he’s going to do something that bryan’s done.

then we left bww’s. i went with jesse & he wanted taco bell, so i went with him. after awhile, he made me tell him why exactly it was that i wanted to be with him. he told me how hard it was for him to sit there at the same table as me at bww’s because he hates that we’re not together & its really hard for him to be away from me. he continued to tell me that he loves me & wants to be with me, but he doesnt want us to keep arguing & go back to how we were towards the end of our relationship.

then, we leave. & i’m all down & everything. he notices, tells me to call him tmrw night & we can talk about what we’re going to do relationship-wise. that he thought we both needed the extra day to completely think about what we want & how we feel. he dropped me off at my car, our song (james otto- just got started loving you) came on & right away, i asked him to turn it & i covered my face.. i was seriously about ready to just start bawling. he says he’s sorry & changes the music. tells me to text him when i get home, so that he knows i got home safely. & tells me he loves me, looks at me for the longest time, then kisses me; a long kiss on the lips. then looks at me again & kisses me again. “love you” & “see ya” and i get in my own car.

i’m scared, nervous, excited, crushed. idk what to do. i hope he realizes he wants to be with me. i know i HAVE to stop with my whole jealousy thing. mom’s beem telling me since the beginning. ahh its hard. but i have to if i want this to work.

i hope i hope. <3

ever just wonder ‘why’? i do.. a lot, it seems.

i wonder why about a lot of things, but lately i wonder the most about why i do this to myself.

WHY do i think about bryan when i have somebody that loves me as much as jesse does? its not even really that i miss bryan, its more that i kind of miss how we were. what i thought we had. idk. things are going great with jesse, i seriously probably couldn’t ask for things to be any better, but why does bryan always pop into my head? the times i think about him the most are when i’m driving to or from CR.. usually on my way home, just because my mind waunders when i’m driving. i think about a lot of things.

its probably because jesse’s my 1st serious relationship after my relationship with bryan. like sometimes, the things jesse says remind me of what bryan had said. or when we’re listening to music & a part comes up that jesse feels is how he feels towards me, he’ll squeeze my hand. & sometimes those are songs that me & bryan had talked about. IDK. its annoying me, really. point blank, thats what its doing to me. i dont know why i care, i don’t know why it matters.

everything happens for a reason, bryan & i didn’t work out for a reason. jesse may be the reason, he may not be. THATS ANOTHER THING!

..sad but true. i feel as though, i don’t always put my all into me & jesse.  & i feel really bad because i know this really upsets him.. but especially right at the beginning of our relationship, i really liked jesse. but i kept telling myself, “if it doesnt work out, it won’t ruin me; bc it just didnt work”. kind of like i don’t put emotion into it. when i know i do, because i love jesse, i really do. & i know if we broke up, i think i’d be really upset, but then parts of me think i’d be like, ‘ehh, ok’.

idk what my deal is.