for awhile now, since adam & i first started seeing eachother, dustin & adam would bring up times when they use to hang out with me & bryan ..or times when they would hang out with bryan. & how they just wanted him to ‘break the rules’ & have some fun rather than go home at a certain time to be with me. all along, since they’ve talked to me about this, i’ve been debating on writing bryan a short message or not, telling him i’m sorry that i had ever treated him that way.

today, i gave in. just about a half an hour ago, i wrote bryan a message, telling him the story with dustin & adam and i told him i know it doesn’t really matter now, but that i was sorry that i had ever treated him that way. that there should have never been ‘rules’, that it should have never been up to me who he could & couldn’t hang out with & when. i told him that whether he read it or not, it was ok with me, because at least i know i attempted to write him & apologize for the way i treated him. & then told him i hoped he was doing well.

he surprisingly, wrote me back fairly quick. he wrote back, “wow. thanks for writing me. that makes me feel good to know that you do feel that way. i never thought about you that way & i never minded the way you treated me. i’m doing really well & i hope with you getting this out of your head, that you are doing good too. thanks again for the message.”

so, that put a smile to my face. & i felt kind of giddy afterwards, maybe its just because i talked to bryan. like mom says, i’ll always have some sort of feeling for bryan. we dated 4 1/2 years & lived together for 3 of them. & he was the first person i ever loved. i think i just think about him so much recently because its been almost a year since we’ve broken up. & because of the way i’m falling for adam. because how much i care about adam.. is starting to turn into the way i really felt about bryan. & to be honest, it kind of scares me.

i do feel like i ‘love’ adam, but i’m not quite sure that adam’s ready for that. when we lay down for bed at night, he looks at me.. for long periods of times sometimes. & when i ask him why he’s looking at me, he says, “what? i can’t look at you?” or after we kiss & he just stares into my eyes. i wish i could read his mind. parts of me think i should say it first, because i am the one that initiated our first kiss & he told me, “if you wouldn’t have kissed me first, you’d probably still be waiting because i’m shy when it comes to things like that” or he’s told me, “you know during our first kiss, i felt like it was my first time; i was nervous & excited all at the same time.” then tonight, when we were texting, he asked if i wanted to come over, but then said he probably wouldn’t be up for much longer; so basically he just wanted me to come sleep next to him, but i said i was just going to stay home, then i said “goodnight babe <3″ & he asks, “whats <3?” & i reply with, “its a heart, duhhh” & he answers back with “?”. which i’m assuming was his way of asking why i put a heart. & i didn’t know what to say, so i said, “nothing, why what’d you think it was for?” & i’m assuming he fell asleep bc he didn’t answer back. i don’t know what to dooooooo.

again, i haven’t written in a long time, but i’ve really been thinking here lately.

its the first of october & last year at this time, i still thought i was going to spend the rest of my life with bryan; i still thought we had that “spunk” we needed in our relationship to keep it going. i knew it was hard with him being an hour drive away & we had been arguing a lot, but i still thought we had enough love & connection to keep our relationship going even though he seemed to be so far away. little did i know that he had probably already had the thought cross through his mind, more than once, to break up with me. to be “single” to see how life was because he “thought he might have missed out on something during high school.” during this whole time, i was oblivious, i thought things were great, we’d never break up.

its amazing how many things have changed since then. first & foremost, i feel i have gotten over bryan for the most part. of course i still care about him & probably think about him every day; but he was my first love & there may never come a day when i don’t think about him. second, i had altogether lost 42 lbs because of bryan. i dropped out of 2 of my classes at the time & then ended up dropping out my 2nd semester because i was having such a hard time dealing with the thought of us not being together. i have now gained back about 12 lbs, but i’m okay with that. its showing that i am happy again, i feel i am completely happy now for the first time in so long. in almost a year.

i’ve kept about the same amount of friends, but then i have gained friends. people have told me, “you were so bitchy when you were with bryan.. but now you’re so mellow & fun.” which of course makes me feel good. adam & i were talking about first loves & i told him it’d be a year me & bryan broke up in mid-october & he says, “a year already? wow, seems like that went by fast.” & you know what.. it seemed to take forever at the beginning, but honestly now looking back on it, even though i remember it like it was yesterday, this past year has gone by pretty fast..

so, for some odd reason.. today has been the first day since mine & jesse’s argument last tuesday that i’ve actually sat down & not been able to get my mind off of him. idk what it is or why. its really bothering me tho. i really dont understand why.. jesse treated me like crap & always blamed me for things i didnt even do. its like he was trying to find ways to not be with me the whole time. & this time, this relationship; i know its not my fault. because i know jesse’s immature & i never should have thought that he was actually going to be ready for a long-term commitment. which is what i want, its what i always want.

matt said to me the other day, “you know, it seems like you’re out to find a forever-thing & nothing short termed.” & i said back, “yeah, short time is only fun for awhile; i feel like the short-terms are a waste of my time” he agreed. ugh its aggravating. i can’t stand it tho, WHY do i even care?

its exactly what the quote says, sometimes, you DO have to forget how you feel and you have to remember what you deserve, because i know damn well i dont deserve how jesse treated me. i just dont, nobody does. its not right.

..lately hanging out with adam has been amazing. we have so much fun, he makes me laugh. i love when a guy can make me laugh. adam has me laughing ALL the time; there’s never ever ever a dull moment with him. we can be sitting there, not talking about anything & i’m still having a good time. adam & i haven’t come out & told eachother we like eachother, but i’m pretty sure its obvious. duhh. we don’t always have something to say to eachother, but its never awkward either. sadly, i am excited to see what becomes of us.

ahhh.

“i’m going to be the girl that your ex girlfriend hates, the girl that your mom loves & the girl you’ll never EVER forget”

today.. i woke up at 11 & came upstairs, went to the bathroom & decided to jump on the scale. 129.4. how in the world do i keep losing weight? moms going to flip when she reads this & sees that i’m still losing.. but i AM eating. & no, i’m not doing drugs.

so.. i went & hung out with jesse today. of course when i got there, he had that “i dont care” attitude again. i wore shorts up there & a fitted tee. after a minute of me standing there, he looks at me & says, “you would” & i had a feeling it was about something i was wearing, but i just ignored it & sat down. we ended up talking about a lot. i told him i couldnt/wouldnt be with him if he kept accusing me of things & telling me, “we’re done”. & he said ok and that he wouldnt do it any more. he told me again that he wants to be with me, but he’s scared that i’ll hurt him.

at times, we kind of sat there in silence.. while watching tv, across the room from eachother. i asked him, “what are you thinking about?” & he just smiled at me. i asked again & he said, “you probably already know, so idk why you ask.” he walked out of the room, came back in (which would be behind me, so i couldnt see him) & he walked right up to me & just kissed me. for quite awhile. i was pretty shocked, but just took it in. & when we stopped, he said. “that. that is what i was thinking about.” heyy.. no complains here.

after awhile, we ended up cuddling & kissing more. i told jesse that i didnt want to have the type of relationship where we had sex, but were only friends. & he goes, “ok? so we don’t have to have sex then.” he sounded like he was surprised i had said it, kind of made me think he wasn’t expecting sex to begin with. & of course somewhere throughout our talk, we both asked the other if they’d been with anybody else. we both replied with “no”. so thats good.

i had noticed jesse’s ex gf brittany had kind of stopped talking to him on his fb & i asked him why. he said she asked him if she could go visit jesse in CR.. drive to his place from her’s.. which she lives in the QC. & jesse told her no, that it wasn’t a good idea. she asked why & he told me he had told her that he was thinking about getting back with me & that he still had a lot of feelings for me. apparently brittany said he was stupid for wanting to be with me again & then hasn’t talked to him since. that made me feel good. i never did get the feeling that brittany liked me, but hey what can i do about it?

while cuddling, i asked jesse what he meant when he said, “you would” when i had walked in the door. he goes, “you would.. walk in my apartment, looking all sexy” HA! thankssss. i replied with, “idk about that” & he followed with, “i do.” after kissing, jesse looked at me & said, “i love you.” ohh boyyy.. then just be with me already. of course i told him i loved him too.

he had made plans to hang out with friends.. so i was only there for about 2 1/2 hours, but i think enough was accomplished. jesse also told me that he wanted us to hang out more, like we use to. (not as much obviously, but more than seeing eachother every 2 weeks like we have been). & i agreed, so we’ll see. he now works thursday-monday & gets every tuesday & wednesday off, so that kind of stinks that we only have 1 day off together now. but hopefully it’ll all work out. he also told me to text him or call him later & before i ever had the chance to text him, he was already texting me.

i sure did miss that boy. him kissing me was like i fell in love all over again. seriously, after he kissed me, i couldnt stop smiling. i felt like a little school girl. haha.

..hopefully this one goes in my favor & we get back together!

i remember saying after me & darrell broke up that i wanted to be chased. i wanted somebody to be so involved around me & crazy about me, like i had been about bryan. and then darrell. & now jesse.

mom pointed out to me while me & jesse were dating that that was how jesse was with me. there was never a day that passed by that jesse didnt tell me i was beautiful. whether i had just got done puting make-up on, or if i had just opened my eyes, just barely waking up, to see him looking at me. me, my hair all a mess & my make-up smeared from sleeping on it. “you’re beautiful,” he use to tell me. & he use to send me the most random text messages, “i love you”, “i cant wait to see you”. he use to send me texts saying, “you’re so amazing. i love how you make me feel.”

i miss how jesse use to let me fall asleep on his chest. all cuddled up, his arms around me, my head on his chest; him kissing my forehead. one time, i had fallen asleep next to jesse on his living room floor; i woke up to jesse puting an arm under my shoulders & an arm under my legs. he lifted me up & carried me to his bed. like i was a baby.. something he didnt have to take care of, but wanted to. i remember just wrapping my arms around him. you know.. like a scene from a movie or something, on the couple’s wedding night. that was how he carried me..

i hate how when we talk, we usually start off good, but end up arguing. jesse’s scared that i’m going to hurt him. i’ve lied to him once, a little innocent lie, but apparently it was enough to scare him. he’s scared that because i have lied to him before, that it’ll be so easy for me to do it again. when i dont want to hurt jesse, i want to be with him. but he’s scared, he really is. whether he actually admits to it or not, he has this guard, like a wall.. surrounding his heart because he doesnt want to be hurt. i actually think thats why jesse’s been around.. 14 not 43 mom, lol. but because he knew it was just for the fun, knew nothing serious was going to come of it.

jesse admitted to me after we broke up that he was starting to scare himself with the words he said to me. when he started telling me that he wanted us to move in together & could see us together for a long time. i could see those things too; but i told him that i dont make way-out-there future plans because i had before & i’m not about to do it again, just to get shot down. but in a way, i think i did. because if i hadnt.. why would i honestly be this hurt?

what jesse & i need is to get together & just talk. about everything. how we feel about us, about our relationship, our friendship. everything. but jesse has this little shield up to protect him. he’s scared. he’s really confusing actually.. he wanted to surprise me tuesday by coming by WL. he had even talked to matt about it, but then texted me at 3:30 tuesday morning to say he didnt know whether it was a good idea or not because, he’s “frustrated with me. …with us, the whole situation”. so am i! this definitely hasnt been a walk in the park for me.

jesse seems to think this whole thing has been easy for me. because the day after we broke up, i went downtown with friends to drink & dance. what was i suppose to do? sit at home & cry? i’ve done that before, i’m not doing that again. like mom said, i can’t afford to lose another 40 lbs because of some boy. i’ve actually lost about 5 since jesse & i have been broken up.

my plan: is to not contact jesse & let him contact me first. i’ve done this twice now. the first time, was because jesse told me he needed his space; then a day & a half later, he calls me at 3:30 in the morning to tell me he loves me. the next time i did it, lasted about half a day, when jesse texts me saying he’s done with me, because he heard i supposedly hung out with his bestfriend. umm no. definitely didnt do that one. but as you know, we didnt stop talking.

i just want jesse to realize that he misses me. he admitted yesterday that he does love me. which made me feel good but then wonder why we’re not together. ahhh. i almost feel like i want this more than i wanted me & bryan to get back together. i cried so much more when bryan & i broke up.. but like i told mom today, its not that heartbreak gets easier, but you already know what it feels like & whats going to happen next, so its not as big of a shock as the first time you get your heart broken.

moral of the novel i just wrote; i miss jesse karl. =(

i want him back.

to make a long story short, i went up to CR tonight.. to eventually see jesse.

we didnt really talk at first, so we sent texts back & forth because he was being an ass. finally, i got through to him & told him that i really just wanted to talk to him; & threw in the ‘please’ too. after that text, he said “ok fine. we’ll go talk after this fight is over.” (we were watching ufc at bww’s.) when the fight was over, he texted me, “lets go” so we got up & went out to his explorer.

RIGHT away, jesse had that smirk on his face, his “i’m going to say idc but inside, i do” smirk. so right away, i knew he had plenty going through his mind. –hold on. darryl worley- i miss my friend is on.. 1 of my songs to jesse at the moment. UGH.– anyways, we got to his truck & after him being dumb, saying he didnt know what my deal was, blah blah. he finally let his guard down & said the main reason he broke up with me was because i didnt trust him. that he wasn’t bryan or darrell & he wasnt going to cheat on me or break up with me for somebody else. also that i take the littlest things & make them out to be something huge. especially when he’s talking to his friends, that are girls. & i have to agree; things i’ve gotten mad about have been pretty innocent, but i get to thinking & just assume he’s going to do something that bryan’s done.

then we left bww’s. i went with jesse & he wanted taco bell, so i went with him. after awhile, he made me tell him why exactly it was that i wanted to be with him. he told me how hard it was for him to sit there at the same table as me at bww’s because he hates that we’re not together & its really hard for him to be away from me. he continued to tell me that he loves me & wants to be with me, but he doesnt want us to keep arguing & go back to how we were towards the end of our relationship.

then, we leave. & i’m all down & everything. he notices, tells me to call him tmrw night & we can talk about what we’re going to do relationship-wise. that he thought we both needed the extra day to completely think about what we want & how we feel. he dropped me off at my car, our song (james otto- just got started loving you) came on & right away, i asked him to turn it & i covered my face.. i was seriously about ready to just start bawling. he says he’s sorry & changes the music. tells me to text him when i get home, so that he knows i got home safely. & tells me he loves me, looks at me for the longest time, then kisses me; a long kiss on the lips. then looks at me again & kisses me again. “love you” & “see ya” and i get in my own car.

i’m scared, nervous, excited, crushed. idk what to do. i hope he realizes he wants to be with me. i know i HAVE to stop with my whole jealousy thing. mom’s beem telling me since the beginning. ahh its hard. but i have to if i want this to work.

i hope i hope. <3

ever just wonder ‘why’? i do.. a lot, it seems.

i wonder why about a lot of things, but lately i wonder the most about why i do this to myself.

WHY do i think about bryan when i have somebody that loves me as much as jesse does? its not even really that i miss bryan, its more that i kind of miss how we were. what i thought we had. idk. things are going great with jesse, i seriously probably couldn’t ask for things to be any better, but why does bryan always pop into my head? the times i think about him the most are when i’m driving to or from CR.. usually on my way home, just because my mind waunders when i’m driving. i think about a lot of things.

its probably because jesse’s my 1st serious relationship after my relationship with bryan. like sometimes, the things jesse says remind me of what bryan had said. or when we’re listening to music & a part comes up that jesse feels is how he feels towards me, he’ll squeeze my hand. & sometimes those are songs that me & bryan had talked about. IDK. its annoying me, really. point blank, thats what its doing to me. i dont know why i care, i don’t know why it matters.

everything happens for a reason, bryan & i didn’t work out for a reason. jesse may be the reason, he may not be. THATS ANOTHER THING!

..sad but true. i feel as though, i don’t always put my all into me & jesse.  & i feel really bad because i know this really upsets him.. but especially right at the beginning of our relationship, i really liked jesse. but i kept telling myself, “if it doesnt work out, it won’t ruin me; bc it just didnt work”. kind of like i don’t put emotion into it. when i know i do, because i love jesse, i really do. & i know if we broke up, i think i’d be really upset, but then parts of me think i’d be like, ‘ehh, ok’.

idk what my deal is.

mom says i need to write, so i suppose i’ll write. yes, 2 weeks after she’s told me to. =]

not much is really going on with me though, i work about 65 hours every 2 wks & when i’m not working, i’m with jesse.

things are going great with both work & jesse. work, i love my job; but i hate the fact that we’re always short-staffed. it just makes everything that much harder & i feel bad for the residents because they’re not getting that 1 on 1 time that they need. there’s rarely ever a time that i see my job as a ‘job’ but more so that i’m just helping people out & getting paid for it too.

jesse.. things are great with jesse. he treats me sooo good & we get along pretty good for the most part. sometimes we have stupid little arguments, but i think every couple does. we’ve officially accomplished our 1 month as of yesterday.. longest relationship i’ve been in since bryan.. HA!

speaking of bryan.. i’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. idk why really.. well i do know why; because this past wednesday the 9th, would have been our 5 year anniversary. BUT i’m saying idk why, is because idk why i’m letting it get to me, he’s got his gf, i’ve got jesse, things are GREAT with jesse. but i guess i just wonder where we’d be now & because we have so many memories together. i actually just dreamt about him last night. i had a dream that he came back for the summer & he asked if he could talk to me, alone. & that we did end up talking & he told me how much he wanted to be back together with me & how he had missed me so much, but couldnt find a way to tell me bc he was with his gf & i’m with jesse. IDK what that dream was suppose to mean, but it got me thinking..

what else, what else? i think crystal’s first baby appt is on the 16th. idk what you find out this early on, but i hope she’s preggo with a boy! i hope i hope. i want a nephew!

tomorrow.. i’m going shopping with jill & steph so steph can have me & jill shop for what she wants us to wear to her wedding since we’re her personal attendents. i’m excited, i love being all dressed up & pretty! obviously i wont compare to steph in her wedding dress, but still; i can’t wait!

..i think thats about all thats new with me.

mom- thank you so much for the talk we had today.. i needed it; you’re the one that keeps me going, makes me realize why things happen & what i need to do to prepare for what might come. i love you so much. i dont know what i’d honestly do without you. just thought i’d let you know.. bc i dont think i tell you often enough.

jesse- we’ve only been dating for the past 2 1/2 weeks & already, things are amazing with you. i get this amazing feeling when i see that its you calling or you thats texting. i still get this incredible feeling when i get to your appt & you’re outside waiting for me to let me in. i truly can say that i love you & i can really see us having a future together. i love when you talk about how i make you feel & how you want to & can see us together for a long time. i especially loved the one time when you told me, “emily, i can’t promise that i’ll never hurt you.. because i know there’s going to be times when i’m going to do or say something that’s going to hurt you.. but i can promise you that i’ll never intentionally hurt you.” i love when i get those cute lil texts from you that say, “gosh baby, you’re so amazing”, “you make me feel complete”, “you’re my world” or when you just out of the blue text me while i’m at work & say, “i love you”. just lets me know that you’re thinking about me just as much as i’m thinking about you. i hope things continue going great with us; i just really hope that i dont start to take you for granted.. bc thats the last thing i want to do. also, i love how you give me pjs to wear & when i come out of your room wearing them, you look at me with that little cute smile & say, “you look beautiful baby”. its the little things you do & say that mean the most. <3

kay- ughh. why can’t we just talk & be mature? honestly.. come on. we’re 19 years old, we’re not in hs any more. i can honestly say that i’ve been pretty “okay” these past couple weeks not talking to you. but then there’s times when i really get to thinking & i miss you, your friendship, the way we could talk about anything. just everything, the fun we use to have.. the way we could go a week or so without talking at all & then we’d hangout & BAM, everything would be completely normal & it’d be like we had been talking the whole time. i hope someday you can seriously get over this whole ordeal & be okay with me & jesse. you have chris & he ADORES you.. seriously, don’t take something like that for granted. i did, for the longest time.. i took bryan for granted so much; then look what happened.. just think about it. don’t be selfish, seriously.. just take a break & look at everything from the outside. i want us to be friends again, maybe we wont be as good of friends as we use to be right at first.. but we can climb up to that point; & who knows.. maybe someday we will.

everything happens for a reason, no matter what people say.. i truly believe that.

everything happens for a reason, maybe we won’t know why today.. but eventually; it’ll all make sense. <3

so kay wrote this “blog” about me.. its adorable. i freaking love her, idk what i’d do without her.. here it is:

To the person who has always been there for me no matter what. Supported me in whatever i do. The only person who texts me every day, even if its just to say hi. The girl who tells me everything even if it might hurt my feelings, but is for my own good. She has never lied to me. Has always kept our SECRETS, secret. The only person i take constructive critiscm from, and used it to my advantage. The only person who i can go out to eat with, but not even eat that much because were too busy talking. The strongest willed girl ive ever met. Shes been done wrong, but shes made herself right out of the situation, no matter what it is. I dont know where i would be without her. During the tough times, shes lifted me up with her good advice. And i know ive done the same for her. The only person i will go to the bathroom with when im drunk. The only person ive ever rode in a car with and pretended markers and bottles were microphones and sung to “no scrubs” from TLC. Good times. The only person i would have shared my senior prom with, i wouldnt take back any of it for the world. The only person i enjoy taking pictures with even if it is just me and her…just for random, nothing special. The girl who talks to my mom, and probably could talk to her about anything. Ok not anything, that stuff she tells me but you know what i mean. I probably think about her everyday, why-ever it might be. The only person that will ride in her car or her with mine, even though weve almost killed each other a bigillion times. And we just laugh about it. Almost hitting a bunch of deer,l about 7 of them on our way to tyson’s house. Ive never seen that many, up close before, but i was with her. Shes the only person that knows somethings up even if i say “nothing”.

***Ill keep adding on, were gunna have lots more to come.

“Im gunna be here forever, so he just better get used to it”….”Like i said, your gunna be my maid of honor, in my wedding…” ….”Aw when are you going to get married???? Im already excited!!!”

^^ you can’t deny that that is the cutest thing ever. i had no idea she was even going to write it, it made my day when i read it.