this might be long.. just to warn you.

so, i can’t help but wonder how bryan could have lied to me & done all these hurtful things to me. like seriously.. there’s so many things that bryan wouldn’t have done if he wouldn’t have been with me. to put it nicely, he would have lived a sheltered life. seriously.. he NEVER would have gone very far away from home, let a lone to florida.. how many times? he went with us like 3 times, plus the, at least, 3 times he went with us to tennessee. he probably wouldnt have made it thru high school, he wouldn’t have the car he has now; he UGH. he just disgusts me in every way freaking imaginable. HOW and WHY would you do something like this to somebody? i mean, i get it, people change; their feelings change. but the relationship i had with him & how it went downhill so fast, makes me not want to trust anybody else ever again. how do i know that every guy i’m with isn’t going to royally screw me over?

..thats a thing with darrell. a lot of people saw it as him “using me” because i drove us everywhere. but it was US i was driving every where. there was only 2 times when i actually got upset over driving us somewhere. TWO times out of the millions of times i drove us places. ..1 time was because i only saw him for like an hour before he was going to go see his daughter, so i left. that time i was mad because i drove up to coralville for like an hour when i thought we were going to spend most of the day together. the other time was when i went & picked him up, drove us to wilton, hung out there for a few hours, then drove him back to coralville just to come home. just to go back up to IC (with friends later) & ended up staying the night w/ him anyway. those were the only two times. crystal opened up her mouth & said something to him about me being his taxi. THAT was the start as to why me & darrell don’t talk as much. because crystal said something when 1. it wasnt her place, its none of her business & 2. she made darrell think that i had been complaining to her about it or something when i never said a word. thats the starting point as to why we barely talk any more. its messed up too because its something crystal said, it was none of her business!!!! ahh.

..another thing with bryan. i’m super close to his family still. his mom & i still talk; his grandparents ADORE me still. his mom still considers me her daughter. she sent me a valentine’s day card today in the mail & it said “happy vday DAUGHTER”; it made me want to cry. seriously.. his grandparents had gotten me an xmas gift too & his gramma hugged me & said, “you’re welcome to come up whenever you want” you know badly i wanted to just break down & cry, right then & there? i started getting teary-eyed & had to walk away. i couldnt do it.

i just wish that i could take everything i’m feeling & just tell it to the people. like, with bryan, i want to just message him & be like, “whats the deal? i dont get how you could have treated me so completely shitty when i’ve done so much for you”. & as with darrell, i really want to just up & text him & be like, “does it not bother you that we barely talk any more?” because these types of things are definitely bothering me. but its almost like its not bothering the guy because they’re not doing anything to fix it.

 ..ughh, guys are so dumb.

so friday night.. matt, crystal & i went over to jerry’s (bryan’s brother) house, where we played poker. right at first, bryan didnt really talk to me & i loved the fact that i could have really cared less. it was like he was nothing to me, like i was blind to the fact that he was even there.

we began to play poker & he sort of started talking to me in the group, pretty much just contributing to the conversation. that was the first time i actually looked him in the eyes. those same, big, green eyes with the beautiful long eye lashes. BUT that was when i noticed he was chewing. thats disgusting! honestly.. lets just hope for mouth cancer here. ughh.

this just goes to show that everybody changes. a person that i knew & dated for over 4 1/2 years is completely different than what he use to be. he chews, he’s starting to gain weight & he drinks beer. bryan’s dad chews & i remember bryan always talking about how gross it was & how his teeth were rotting & he couldn’t believe he’d want to do something so disgusting. just to find out tho, that bryan has been chewing for over a year.. so that means he hid that too from me, while we were dating.

i dont understand how somebody could be so heartless. my family did so much for him, he told me how much he loved me & how we’d be together all throughout college & nothing would change between us. he promised. & to find out hes been chewing for so long, i dont even really see how its possible that he could have chewed while we were dating, we were always together, he lived with me, he couldnt have hid it in his car.. because we often took his car to go places & at the time, we were always comfortable enough going thru eachother’s stuff knowing the other wouldnt be mad. unless him saying he’s been chewing for over a year is a lie too. because well think about it, that wouldnt surprise me much.

like mom says, “the apple doesnt always fall far from the tree”. i just hope he doesnt get some girl pregnant & then not want anything to do w/ the kid after a couple years like his dad did.

its like the whole situation with bryan really bothers me, to the point where i’d like to never talk to him again & have nothing to do with him. but we always said that no matter the situation, we’d always be friends after we broke up. & i dont think i could have somebody in my life for as long as 5+ years, only dating for over 4 1/2 (but still) & completely keep them out of my life. we had so many good times together, but he’s changed so much. idk, i’m just glad i dont have to see him every day. he kind of grosses me out; just in who hes become.

..just when you think you know somebody so well; you find out promises were always broken & they never could tell the truth to begin with.. just when you thought you knew.

ok, so.. since my 4 1/2 year relationship, i was involved in another relationship. it lasted about 2 1/2 weeks, but after we broke up, we remained really good friends. so things were good on my end, it kind of bothered me that we hung out so much & were such good friends & nothing more;; but then i didnt really care because we were still hanging out.

..now everything was going great, we were hanging out, calling eachother all the time & then something happened. something i dont really want to post on here, but obviously it made things awkward for this guy. i was okay with it, i was just like “..oops, we’ll move on from it” but apparently it really bothered him. because like 2 days after it happened, he told me that he thought we needed to stop acting like we were dating. at first i didnt really get it, i never looked at it as though we were acting like we were dating, i saw it as us being friends & maybe having the potential of being something more agian someday. but no, this guy thought we should stop acting like we’re dating & just be “friends”. so we talked about it that friday, then we talked on saturday for like 2 minutes on the phone, didnt talk at all sunday or monday, then i called him tuesday. after several times of talking on the phone & then playing phone tag because neither 1 of us picked up when the other would call.. we finally got to talk later that night.

..he said he felt like we acted like we were dating because we hung out pretty much every day & talked on the phone several times a day. which was true, i started to see where he was coming from; because i did talk to & hang out w/ him more than any of my other friends & it was the same for him. but now its thursday & i havent talked to him since.

it REALLY bugs me. how do you go from talking to somebody every single day, not even that; hanging out with them every single day too.. to not talking to them at all? he says we’re still going to be friends & that it won’t be awkward when we DO hang out (if that ever happens), but then why does it seem so awkward that we’re not talking? like, i just wonder if he ever thinks about it like i do. probably not because guys are STUPID but i mean honestly.. sure, i’ll go awhile without thinking about it, but then when i’ve got the chance to actually sit down & think, he’s all i think about. if he asked me, i’d tell him straight up that i do like him, i care for him.. i really do. some people don’t see why, but i dont need other people to see it for me to know.

..mom asked me one time if i thought i loved him; i really & truly don’t. i think i fell in love with our friendship, with the time we spent together. there was rarely ever a dull moment, he always made me laugh. & there were times where we’d sit in the car & it’d kind of be an awkward silence, but even tho it was awkward, i still felt pretty comfortable. i’m not even sure that makes sense, but it does to me. maybe i just liked being with him so much that it didnt matter to me. ughhh idk.

like, i wonder if he even thinks about me any more. he obviously use to because he’d call me quite a few times a day. seriously.. the other day when we did talk on the phone; he texted me first to see if i was awake & i thought to myself, “idc if he even calls me, just that text right there makes me happy to know that he’s at least thinking about me.” that in itself probably sounds pathetic but ughh. idk.

i’m done puting all my forth & effort into trying to make things work with a guy. its dumb that i’m trying my best if he’s not going to do the same. its stupid, i’m done playing games.

 why cant it just be easy?

Not a day goes by, that I don’t think of you.

 Today would have been your 18th birthday. 18! That’s so young.. seriously, Ben. I don’t know what you were going through or what you were thinking; but I just wish you would have told somebody. Why did it have to come down to this? You were SO young, you were only 16. Was it really that bad that you thought nothing would be able to make it better?

..I heard a lot of the boys in the ‘08 class were going to get tattoos today, in remembrance of you. It’s so hard for everybody. Your 2 years is coming up so quick.. ughh Ben, why? I freaking miss you so much, I remember the day we found out like it was yesterday.

..We all were on our way to first period. The teachers were all late for class, they were in the library having a meeting. Sometimes this was a normal thing, so we didn’t really think anything of it. Then the teachers came out with tears in their eyes, some crying really hard, some showing no emotion at all. We were like, “Wow, this is odd, I wonder what happened?” I remember me & Jessica going into 1st period & seeing Mrs. Clark whipe away her tears. We asked her what was wrong & she just shook her head. We couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then over the intercom, they announced for all the sophomores to go to the auditorium. This was SO stupid of me & Jess, but honestly, we looked at eachother & said, “Oh, its a sophomore, WHO CARES, we probably didn’t know them any way.” How freaking shitty of us to even think something like that; how horrible it was for us to say that. We were being so selfish, so stupid & immature.

..Then 5 minutes later, Mrs. Rodocker came in & said a fellow high school student had died. We just sat there.. then she said your name. Your name, Ben. “Ben Mullink passed away last night.” WHAT? NO WAY!! Its not fucking possible, I just saw him yesterday!!!! I remember gasping for air & I started bawling my eyes out. I remember saying, “God, no.. please don’t let this be true, pleeeease God, not Ben.” I couldn’t breathe, I had no idea what had happened. It was during state wrestling, so I figured maybe you had gotten in a car accident on your way home from Des Moines. I remember calling my mom & her trying to be strong when she answered the phone, “Hi honey,” “mom, did you hear?” & then I remember my mom crying & telling me how sorry she was.

..I couldn’t believe it. There was no way.. people couldn’t seriously be there one day & gone the next. It wasn’t possible, you weren’t sick, you were in good health, you were popular, everybody loved your jokes & loved hanging out with you. I remember the last time I was with you, I treated you like shit. Can you believe it? I was being stupid and being a total bitch to you. For no reason at all, just because I had seniority over you at the grocery store. How STUPID of me. Did I honestly think I was better than you in some way? You were freaking gorgeous, you had BEAUTIFUL eyes & an incredible smile. I love & miss you so much Ben, you have no idea. Did you not think that people would miss you? I feel like we failed you in a way, we didn’t show you how much we cared while you were here. Everybody misses you, I can’t even imagine how wrecked the kids are at the high school today. You would have been a senior this year Ben. 3 more months & you would have been outta that school.

..I love you & I miss you so much Ben. I just wish you would have talked to somebody, let somebodyknow what was going on, how you felt. Its still so unreal.

I love you Benjamin Patrick. RIP Buddy.

02-07-90 — 02-24-06