for awhile now, since adam & i first started seeing eachother, dustin & adam would bring up times when they use to hang out with me & bryan ..or times when they would hang out with bryan. & how they just wanted him to ‘break the rules’ & have some fun rather than go home at a certain time to be with me. all along, since they’ve talked to me about this, i’ve been debating on writing bryan a short message or not, telling him i’m sorry that i had ever treated him that way.

today, i gave in. just about a half an hour ago, i wrote bryan a message, telling him the story with dustin & adam and i told him i know it doesn’t really matter now, but that i was sorry that i had ever treated him that way. that there should have never been ‘rules’, that it should have never been up to me who he could & couldn’t hang out with & when. i told him that whether he read it or not, it was ok with me, because at least i know i attempted to write him & apologize for the way i treated him. & then told him i hoped he was doing well.

he surprisingly, wrote me back fairly quick. he wrote back, “wow. thanks for writing me. that makes me feel good to know that you do feel that way. i never thought about you that way & i never minded the way you treated me. i’m doing really well & i hope with you getting this out of your head, that you are doing good too. thanks again for the message.”

so, that put a smile to my face. & i felt kind of giddy afterwards, maybe its just because i talked to bryan. like mom says, i’ll always have some sort of feeling for bryan. we dated 4 1/2 years & lived together for 3 of them. & he was the first person i ever loved. i think i just think about him so much recently because its been almost a year since we’ve broken up. & because of the way i’m falling for adam. because how much i care about adam.. is starting to turn into the way i really felt about bryan. & to be honest, it kind of scares me.

i do feel like i ‘love’ adam, but i’m not quite sure that adam’s ready for that. when we lay down for bed at night, he looks at me.. for long periods of times sometimes. & when i ask him why he’s looking at me, he says, “what? i can’t look at you?” or after we kiss & he just stares into my eyes. i wish i could read his mind. parts of me think i should say it first, because i am the one that initiated our first kiss & he told me, “if you wouldn’t have kissed me first, you’d probably still be waiting because i’m shy when it comes to things like that” or he’s told me, “you know during our first kiss, i felt like it was my first time; i was nervous & excited all at the same time.” then tonight, when we were texting, he asked if i wanted to come over, but then said he probably wouldn’t be up for much longer; so basically he just wanted me to come sleep next to him, but i said i was just going to stay home, then i said “goodnight babe <3″ & he asks, “whats <3?” & i reply with, “its a heart, duhhh” & he answers back with “?”. which i’m assuming was his way of asking why i put a heart. & i didn’t know what to say, so i said, “nothing, why what’d you think it was for?” & i’m assuming he fell asleep bc he didn’t answer back. i don’t know what to dooooooo.

So, mom’s been hounding me to write, so I figured I probably should.

I took a college class my senior year of HS, I ended up earning 10 college credits for that one class. My teacher was the type that you could go to if you ever had a problem & she’d be more than willing to help you. Whether it was with class work, or problems at home; she always sent that vibe that she was ready to take on whatever challenge you threw at her.

Although she taught me a lot in the 9 months I had class with her, there’s always this one thing that will stick out. She’d always correct us girls every time we said, “When I’m a nurse & not ‘just’ a CNA..” she’d always say, “Never say ‘just’, forget the word even exists, you’re not ‘just’ anything, you’re a CNA & that in itself is something to be proud of.”

Anyways, going on with my story, I was in a resident’s room the other day at work filling water pitchers with fresh water & ice & one of the residents was asking why her toothbrush & toothpaste had been moved off the side of the sink, where she had always kept it. And her daughter was in the room & she goes, “Oh, its fine mom, I’ll look for it, she’s ‘just’ the water girl.”

Although I didn’t say anything, I was really kind of upset at first. ‘Just’ the water girl? Where does she come off saying that? One, I am a CNA & proud to be at that. And two, the word, ‘just’ had gotten to me; Even if I was the water girl, is that not satisfying enough for you? It seemed like she was sort of talking down to me.. ‘just the water girl’. Pff. I continued filling water pitchers & couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. & then later that day, one of the nurses was talking about a facility she worked in.. “But back then, I was ‘just’ a CNA..” & I couldn’t help but keep thinking about what our teacher had taught us.

Nobody in my eyes, is ‘just’ anything. “She’s ‘just’ a 2 year old, she’ll learn.” But that two year old is quite cute & you don’t know what you’d do without her, do you?

I don’t know.. JUST something I’ve been thinking about..

jesse & i were suppose to talk on the phone after he got off work yesterday, but instead he texted me & asked if i had to work on tuesday. i said i didnt & he asked me to come up so that we could talk & hang out then. because he wants to, “do this in person”. whatever that means..

idk what to expect, idk if he’s planning on asking me back out or if he’s planning on us just being friends. i have nooo idea. i’m scared, nervous. everything imaginable.

..for me! i love how pretty much everything is going in my life right now!!

jesse & i are doing great. i spent most of the wkend at home, so i got to spend some time with the parents. i got a fat paycheck on friday. i went shopping saturday. kay & i are finally talking again!! & everything seems to be back to ‘normal’ with us. i love my job ..stessful at times, but i still love it!

so i went shopping on saturday & i wear a size FIVE in jeans now. thats pretty much amazing, i’ve always been a size 7 when i was thinner, last year at this time i was a size 11!!! its insane. i weighed myself friday morning & i weigh 136 even. i’m STOKED.

so thats whats been going on with me.

=]

i’m getting my tonsils removed may 8th.

..9 days before mike & steph’s wedding. boy do i hope i’m feeling better by then! i’m most idk, paranoid i guess.. that i’m going to lose weight before the wedding. & i love my dress, i love the way my dress looks on me & i really don’t want to look too thin for it. or be too weak for the wedding.

i just hope i can eat normal & all that by then. i probably won’t be able to.. i told jesse that he’s going to have to make special trips to mickey d’s for shakes pretty much every day so that i can at least eat something. haha.

i’m not even going to be able to eat lunch for mother’s day! geez, what a bad time to get my tonsils removed.

..IS KILLING ME!!!

i hate it. im sick & tired of it. literally.

hopefully mom can get me an appointment tomorrow to figure out what the heck the deal is. i can barely open my mouth without feeling like my left tonsil is being split wide open. its horrible.

that & it took me a half an hour to eat HALF a sandwhich. thats how bad it is, bc 1. i cant open my mouth & 2. its so hard to swollow! ughh.

i know, pity emily.. haha. but i just really hope we can figure out whats wrong with me this time around. because i’d really love to be able to feel ‘normal’ again. =/

mom says i need to write, so i suppose i’ll write. yes, 2 weeks after she’s told me to. =]

not much is really going on with me though, i work about 65 hours every 2 wks & when i’m not working, i’m with jesse.

things are going great with both work & jesse. work, i love my job; but i hate the fact that we’re always short-staffed. it just makes everything that much harder & i feel bad for the residents because they’re not getting that 1 on 1 time that they need. there’s rarely ever a time that i see my job as a ‘job’ but more so that i’m just helping people out & getting paid for it too.

jesse.. things are great with jesse. he treats me sooo good & we get along pretty good for the most part. sometimes we have stupid little arguments, but i think every couple does. we’ve officially accomplished our 1 month as of yesterday.. longest relationship i’ve been in since bryan.. HA!

speaking of bryan.. i’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. idk why really.. well i do know why; because this past wednesday the 9th, would have been our 5 year anniversary. BUT i’m saying idk why, is because idk why i’m letting it get to me, he’s got his gf, i’ve got jesse, things are GREAT with jesse. but i guess i just wonder where we’d be now & because we have so many memories together. i actually just dreamt about him last night. i had a dream that he came back for the summer & he asked if he could talk to me, alone. & that we did end up talking & he told me how much he wanted to be back together with me & how he had missed me so much, but couldnt find a way to tell me bc he was with his gf & i’m with jesse. IDK what that dream was suppose to mean, but it got me thinking..

what else, what else? i think crystal’s first baby appt is on the 16th. idk what you find out this early on, but i hope she’s preggo with a boy! i hope i hope. i want a nephew!

tomorrow.. i’m going shopping with jill & steph so steph can have me & jill shop for what she wants us to wear to her wedding since we’re her personal attendents. i’m excited, i love being all dressed up & pretty! obviously i wont compare to steph in her wedding dress, but still; i can’t wait!

..i think thats about all thats new with me.

i think i think too much. have i ever said this before? because its so true.

..its 1 in the morning, which means i’m back to keeping myself awake all night just because i think all the time.

they say everything happens for a reason & i’m a BIG believer in this.. i really am. i just don’t get certain things.

i’ve been thinking so much about the past, the present, the future.. just everything. its like i want to live my life day-by-day but technically.. does anybody really do this? isn’t everybody really planning for the future? like.. you go to work, because you know you’re going to have bills that need payed. or you go to school.. because you know eventually you’ll have a better paying job, which will give you the money you need to pay bills. the first house you buy is a big house.. because eventually, in the future.. you’ll need it for your family. you buy a 4door car, with spacious room, because its more convenient..

wow, i dont know. but thats only half of whats on my mind.

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I’m feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

..this song, i felt too.. was towards both bryan & darrell. bryan because alls people would do is talk about one thing or another going on with us. then with darrell, after we broke up & started hanging out again.. i felt this was my song to him because i felt we really had a chance of getting back together.

but now.. i feel like this song is for me. you know.. “you & me together”.. thats me, i’m always going to have me. i need to like me for who i am & get to know myself before i expect to find happiness in somebody else. & “alls i know, is everythings going to be alright”. everything is going to be alright, everything happens for a reason, in the end, its all going to make perfect sense. “people keep talking, they can say what they like.” people will always talk.. some people live their lives based upon what they have to say about other people. there’s always going to be people like that. but again, all i know.. is everythings going to be alright. “no one, no one, no one can get in the way of what i feel for you”.. this is how i should look at myself.. i shouldnt let people get in the way of what i feel i need to do.

“when the rain is pouring down & my heart is hurting. you will always be around, this i know for certain.” i’ve got myself, if i don’t have myself.. who do i have? i have to believe in myself, before i can expect people to believe in me. “i know some people search the world, to find something like what we have. i know people will try, try to divide something so real, so til the end of time, i’m telling you there ain’t no one.” — there’s so many people that are worse off than i am, sometimes, i feel like i’m going thru the worst pain.. but things could always be worse. there’s always going to be somebody that can help me, because they’ve been in the exact same.. or similar situation.

i’ve got me.. i’m happy with me.

here it is.. 1:30 in the morning & i have so much on my mind. why can’t people (like my mom, because thats really who i’d like to talk to right now..) be more un-normal & be up with me during these times of the night?!

right now, i could actually care less about darrell; well i do, but i don’t. i just want to stop having any feeling toward him at all. maybe us not being friends would be for the better. i dont even know if what i’m saying even makes sense right now.

i.. really want to drop out of school. even though that could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever. especially right now. but i do. i’ve done messed up & gotten myself too far behind in 3/4 of my classes. especially in comp2, there’s probably no way i’d pass that class this semester, even if i started trying now. & the same with intro to philosophy. intro to psych i could probably still pass, but lets face it; i’m not into school, school isn’t interesting to me right now.

its one of those types of things that you have to WANT to do or else you’re not going to do it. its bad, i know.. trust me, i know. i know that i’m letting a bunch of people down right now, i know i’m making an ass of myself. honestly.. who can’t handle a community college? other than myself. i just feel like i need time for myself right now. i think i need to find ME. find out who i am.. find out what i want to do w/ my life. because yes, ideally, i’d love to be a nurse; but honestly.. come on. is that really me? is that really what I want to do? i have no idea.. i’m just going off of that because thats what i wanted in high school. what i also wanted in high school was for me & bryan to be together forever & look where that got me.

i know the 1st thing mom is going to say to me, “emily.. you need college. do you really want to be a janitor for the rest of your life?” & no, hell no thats not what i want. but i dont want to do something that i’m not even trying for or even caring about right now either. right now.. i need to focus on myself & work. the person i’m afraid of disappointing the most tho.. is my dad. i can just see him rolling his eyes, then saying something to my mom about how much money i’ve wasted & how i’m throwing my life away. goddd. now i’m getting all teary-eyed, this sucks.

i dont want to be a college-dropout. i always told mom & dad when i was growing up that i’d be the 1st kid in the family to successfully finish both high school & college. but lets face it, i’m not completeing college successfully at all. i’m not even trying. theres times when i dont even care. you know what i enjoy the most about going to class? the interaction with other people. i don’t really like listening to the teacher talk, i’m usually not interested in what they’re saying.. i sit in class & text most of the time. why? because school is boring to me.

I KNOW.. i NEED it to find a decent job but for right now.. i’m okay being an NA at the local nursing home. for right now, i’m okay with making $8 an hour or whatever it is i’m making. because right now the only bills i have are my car payment & my credit card bill. yes, i owe mom & dad money, but its not like me going to college now is going to get them the money any faster. they’ll have the money before i’d even finish. & i can promise that. to tell you the truth, they’ll have the money here in about 4-6 weeks. GUARANTEED. as long as i can pay them & my bills too, they’ll get it here soon.

idk, i feel like a bad person. because i know i’m letting a shit ton of people down. but i just can’t do it. like i said earlier, i need to find myself. i need to be stable in my life before i can take on something like school. seriously.. you’ve seen my emotions go thru this. what is wrong w/ me? i’m a complete mess.

..i wanted to try online classes. figured it’d be easier on me, pretty much having like 2 weeks to do a few assignments, doing them when i wanted to.. not have a set time to get up & do them. THAT would be the type of school for me. i know its not really structured & maybe some structure is what i need in my life, but i can’t do it. its not happening.

maybe i also need more responsibility & i wouldnt be this way. maybe.. if i had my own place & didnt take mom & dad for granted, then maybe i’d have a more structured life and have more of a well-being. IDK, i dont get it, i dont understand what i’m suppose to do w/ my life, i dont know what i want in life. i just dont know.

..this is getting depressing.