my weight.
soo, for like a good 2 months, since shortly after christmas, every time i jump on the scale; i weigh around 142, 143.
i jumped on the scale today, expecting the same thing & you know what it read?
139.6. *gasps*. what in the world? i mean, i’m not complaining, but idk why. maybe its like mom said in a comment awhile back; maybe i’m a little depressed, but we all know i’m eating. before i had gotten on that scale, it said “low” so i like ok.. i’ll check with a different scale. & the other scale said 138.6. geeez. idk what it is, but its kinda weird.
but now that i know forsure that i’m not; i want to thin out my stomach a little bit & work on my legs. BUT i don’t want to start exercising crazily, because i’ve already lost enough of my boobs & butt since i’ve now lost 29 lbs. i don’t want to lose any more in those 2 areas, just my stomach & legs. but idk how to? hmm..
what i want.
i think starting this week..
-i’m going to start tanning.
-i want to get my haircut.
-i wouldn’t mind getting a pedicure, but thats not at the top of my list.
-i need to start trying in school.
-i want to start eating healthier, because even though i’m not gaining weight, i’m pretty sure my stomach is getting bigger.
- i want to visit bryan’s grandparents, because i miss them.
i also want (but won’t happen in this next week):
- i want somebody to care for me, like i’ve cared for others. i want somebody to put their whole heart into it for me. i want somebody to think there’s nobody better for them than me. like i’ve done for 2 guys now. i want somebody to love me for me & miss me when i’m gone. i want somebody to call me in the middle of the night just to say, “i was thinking about you & i couldn’t sleep”. i want somebody to love. i want somebody to enjoy cuddling with me, just as much as i enjoy cuddling. i want somebody to want me & not be ashamed, or not have a problem telling their guy friends, “this is her.. this is the girl i’ve been telling you about.”
i sometimes wish, that i could get a glimpse of the future, to see who i’m going to end up with. do i know him already? is he somebody i’m going to meet in my near future? here in 5 years? when? is he somebody i’ve already dated? is he somebody i see almost every day? is he somebody i went to school with? i know, i know.. i’m thinking too far into the future now & i need to live life for the moment. but i can’t help but wonder who, where & when. ya know?
i’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason; but i’m still wondering why..
theres this quote, “someday, he’ll walk into your life & make you realize why it never worked out with anybody else..” & when that day comes, i know i’ll be excited & know its true. but for now, i’m just waiting..
mood swings & hot flashes at the age of 18.
idk whats wrong with me lately.. i mean, i know a possibility, but i dont really know whats wrong w/ me lately.
right now, i have the most annoying headache ever, just all along the front of my head. & i’m getting hot flashes. i’ll be perfectly comfortable & then all of a sudden, i just want to throw the covers off of me. i dont get it, but its becoming pretty annoying.
my moods change like you wouldn’t believe. i can be perfectly happy 1 minute, not care about anything really; then the next i’m sitting here upset & thinking about things. i’m ALWAYS tired.. ughh. >: [
i got a good 8 hours of sleep last night, took about a 2 hour nap & its almost 11 at night & i feel extremely tired, but i know if i go downstairs, i won’t be able to sleep. or it’ll at least take me a good 1/2 hour or so.
what’s wrong w/ me? i guess i’ll find out the possibility tomorrow, but if thats a no go; then seriously.. idk whats going on.
ahh. 
thinking about thinking.
ever think you think too much?
..like i think, i think too much about the whole bryan thing. the whole darrell ordeal. how many people honestly think that they think TOO much? it just seems weird..
also, i can’t help but be anxious for friday to see what i find out. if its a no go, then i’m going to feel kind of dumb, i think. just because i’m so into it. idk how to explain it.
..also, i’m always tired. i wish school was cancelled tomorrow (even tho theres no reason for it to be) but all i want to do is sleep. i fell asleep around 12:30 am on tuesday morning, woke up around 10:30 because mom texted me, then fell back asleep til 11:30. it wasnt even 1 o’clock yet & i was already yawning. now its about 12:15 am on wednesday morning & i’m SO tired, but i’m doing so much thinking that i dont think i’d be able to sleep. even tho i’m extremely tired. but yet i know i should be going to bed because i’m going to have to get up at 9:30 to get ready & head to school.
..tomorrow night, i plan on just sitting at home w/ the fam. even tho that use to & still does seem kind of boring.. not because i’m with family but because we’ll just be sitting here watching tv.. but it’ll be so relaxing. but its also 1 of those deals, that if darrell just happened to call me or something, i’d be hyped up in a minute.. ready to do whatever, no matter how tired i am. seems weird, really..
i think.. i just can’t wait til this wkend; no school, no work. ahh, it’ll be nice. i even get PAID on friday! i also have a meeting tho.. boo.
my week the rest of the week:
wednesday- sleep, school 11-3, come home.
thursday- sleep, work 2-10
friday- sleep, appointment at 11:20, meeting at 1:30, PAY DAY.
..ohh i’m thinking too much, i should probably head to bed tho. goodnight.
another thing that makes me mad..
i’m sorry, but this just pisses me off royally.
a few weeks back, mom said that if i didnt do something about finding my certificate from kirkwood that i was going to “mess things up” with becoming a cna. it pissed me off at the time & i know she knows it, because she ended up calling me & apologizing about it later.
& now its almost midnight & i have to be up at 5:30 tomorrow morning to get ready & make it up to davenport by 7:30 in the morning to take my tests & dad wakes up & asks what time it is.. i reply, “almost midnight” & he says, “you’re not going to make it, theres no way”. thanks for the faith, thanks a lot.
..i AM going to make it there in the morning. i feel like everybody’s giving up on me. i’m not a fucking failure, i know what i have to do. if i dont pass the skills tomorrow, i’m not going to blame it on any body but myself, but i do think if i dont pass them its because i havent done most of them in so long.
have a little faith in me, i’m 18 years old, i’m young & i do stupid things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean i’m a mess-up. i know dad didn’t mean it in that way at all, but seriously.. thats how it came across & i can’t help but be mad about it.
i’m just so overwhelmed with everything thats going on in my life right now. working 8 hour days for the first time ever, knowing that i need to start concentrating on school, things with darrell & i have people that come to me with their problems like i’m suppose to fix them somehow. i can’t do it all, i just want a vacation or something. i just want people to be happier, i myself want to be happier. i want darrell back in my life, even if that means just as friends & only hanging out once a week. i mean, i dont know thats not going to happen, but i bet it doesnt happen that way. and on top of everything else, its february, pretty much the most depressing month ever. i freaking miss ben, i dont understand why things happen the way they do.
..i just want things to be easier. theres a saying that says, “you only have the life you live because God knows you’re strong enough to get through it”, but idk.. its just hard right now. idk what i need, but i need something to happen so that i’m not feeling this way any more. i’ve been feeling this way pretty much ever since darrell decided we should stop hanging out so much; & the other things just happen to fall in place too.
idk, i dont get it. but i need to get some sleep before i take those tests tomorrow. wish me good luck. (good luck!) because i have a feeling i’ll need it.
<//3
new job.
..just thought i’d write quick before i go to bed.
so i got a new job, working at the simpson home again. i really did enjoy working there when i worked in the kitchen but because of 1 of the main cooks, i quit. she just rubbed me the wrong way & did everything she could to piss me off.. almost like it was her job. ha, anyways..
i applied as an NA & today was my first day. it was a lot of fun, i think i’m really going to like it. i felt like i was in clinicals all over again. just knowing that i’m helping the elderly out is really going to be good for me, i think. i’m working 2nd shift there & so the hours are from 2-10. i was kind of skeptical because i didnt know how i’d feel working 8 hour shifts because i haven’t done it since back when i worked at jack&jill. but time really flew by. the only time that drug by was towards the end but that was because i was getting so tired & most of the residents were in bed, so there was only a limit to what i could do. so we sat up in the ‘living room’ area & watched “the biggest loser” & parts of law & order. ha.
but anyways, i just really think i’ll like it. & i know the money is going to come in handy too. =]
i’m mainly writing this so mom can read this in the morning & know how my day went before i get the chance to talk to her so i’ll add this lil bit in here too..
when a lot of the cnas i was working with found out my last name they were like “omg! your mom use to work here!” & then like 3 people asked me what she was up to now & couldnt believe i was her daughter. ha, it was weird. but it was funny too. 
anyways, i’m getting pretty tired & hungry too.. i just thought i’d update this so mom could read it in the morning.
<333
say whaat?
quick update before i go to my last day on the job at dollar general.
..me & darrell are no longer together, but are still pretty good friends, idk whats going to happen with us honestly.. it’d be nice to know, but patience, patience, patience i guess. ha. me & bryan are talking.. well were, are.. sort of.
nothing else is really new.. starting at the simpson home as an na.. then taking my test to become certified. like i said, last day at dollar general today.. wish i didnt even have to go; but its only 1 more day i guess.
&& thats about all, i’m posting because mom said i needed to update. so here it is!
<333
update on my life, recently.
I haven’t written in so long, so I figured I should update with everything that has been going on.
Last time, I do believe I said I had a new crush, but didn’t want to say too much about it because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. But.. now, we’re “seeing eachother”, so I figured I should write about it. His name is Darrell, he’s 22.. he’s sooo nice & so respectful. It’s great. We only met a couple weeks ago, but so far.. things are going great. We even decided the other night that we were officially “seeing eachother” & not seeing anybody else. But that we’re not going to date quite yet, because we both agreed that I may not be ready to jump into another relationship so soon. So hopefully things continue to go well.
I saw Bryan yesterday.. first time since Thanksgiving. We really didn’t have much to say to eachother. Kind of found it odd, we dated for 4 1/2 years & couldn’t find a thing to say. But oh well, everything happens for a reason, right? I talked to Darrell on the phone last night & told him I saw Bryan & he goes, “Oh.. was it love all over again?” & I was like, “No, definitely not.” & he goes, “Well that’s good to know.” =] I think I’ve just finally realized that things with Bryan aren’t going any where. Meeting & hanging out with Darrell has definitely helped me realize this and I’m glad, because it was about time something made me realize it. Like my mom has said, I’m pretty sure everything with Bryan is a closed-book. & for right now, I’m okay with that. I know there will come a day I’ll think about him & miss him, but for right now.. its good. Its where it should be.
Myyy weight. Since Bryan & I have broken up, I have now lost about 27 lbs. I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of or not.. I mean, I am just because I needed to lose weight; at the time I didn’t really want Bryan breaking up with me to be the reason I lost all the weight, but it worked. Mom seems a little worried, like she thinks I’m getting too skinny. But idk, I eat.. I really do, anybody can ask Crystal, I go over there every day & eat her out of food. Ha. I don’t know.
Lately, I have people calling me & texting me all the time to do something with them. It’s nice! I’m really & truly lucky that I still have friends. I seriously dropped all of them for Bryan.. & I’m really lucky they are able to push that aside & still be friends with me. Especially Kay.. because we were really close there for awhile & hen we stopped & now we’re slowly becoming really good friends again. We’re going shopping tomorrow.. I plan on just finishing up on xmas gifts.. but still, it’ll be a good time.
Well thats my life lately.. now I’m going to go jump in the shower, probably go to the tanning place to see if she has any openings.. then go over to Crystal’s.
<333
umm..
so.. lately.. hmm.
i’ve found myself a new crush, tho i don’t really want to say much about it, because idk whats going on or whats going to happen really. but we hung out friday night at jeremy & lorena’s. & like i said, i’m “crushing” on him, but i guess we’ll just see what happens. i dont want to jinx myself & i dont want to get my hopes up, even though i think i already have.. but, i’m trying not to. i just need to wait & see.. no wonder why i’m so impatient. i swear i’m always waiting for something..
thinking about this new crush of mine.. really takes my mind off of bryan. which is great, because idk, me & bryan aren’t really talking too much. but then when i do think about bryan, man do i really think. i really sit there & let it all flow out of me. its weird. idk how to describe it.
..yeah i had a lot more on my mind when i went to write this message, but i’m getting really tired, so i’ll just leave it here & go to bed.
<333
old friends.
i love getting in touch with old friends.
kay & i have been talking lately again. its great to catch up with her. we had a couple heart-to-hearts tonight. it was nice. =] we talked about her boyfriend, bryan, her roommates, soon to be ex-roommates.
then we talked about how we should road-trip or do something exciting for spring break. her, me & maybe a few others. that’d be super exciting. we didnt know where for sure we should go, but we agreed on somewhere warm. i still wouldnt mind going down to florida for spring break.. be on the beach, ahh i’d love it. but idk, last time checked, tickets during that time were $600!! dont think i can afford that, plus everything else down there. plus i doubt any of my friends could either. so we’ll see.
we are going to hang out saturday night, we dont know for sure what we’re doing yet, i dont get off til 8 & she probably wont get in town til 8, so she said she was going to come over here & hangout while i got ready. hopefully we find something to do.. like tomorrow. haha. or else idk what we’ll do. we shall see about that one too.
thats all i’ve got for this one.
