soo, i really do have a lot on my mind, a lot i could write out; but i’m just too tired right now (almost 1 am). i’ll try to update in the morning before work.

 goodnight all.

i knew my mom would understand me. i love that she does. i knew i just needed to talk to her, or somehow get out to her what i was feeling. i thought she would be a little more disappointed in me with the whole school thing, but nonetheless, i’m glad she understands. i’m kind of scared to see what my dad has to say.. but it just makes me feel 10x better about the situation knowing that my mom is behind me 100%.

with darrell, i have to agree.. he just sees it as a relationship in the past. & really, thats what it is. the more i think about it, the more i realize that. there’s just going to be those times, like there was with bryan, that i’m going to have a hard time sometimes; & wish it was something more. but hey, i just have to take it day by day & things will get better. i need to worry about ME right now.. not guys. i don’t need a guy in my life to be happy all the time, they just add to the fun really. haha.

i’m in a good mood now that i know my mom is supporting me. & if you happen to read this before talking to me next, i don’t think i could really move out just yet ma. that would be all the more stress that would build up. yikes!

anyways, after all the posts from last night; i think everything will be for the better now. i’m in a good mood & feel pretty good about the decisions i’m making.

its almost 4 in the morning & i’m still sitting here wide awake. normal? i think not.

a part of me wants to stay up so i can talk to mom about everything that i’m feeling. but then, i’m so scared to tell her about the whole school deal, because dad just signed a thing with state farm the other day saying that i’m a full time student. BUT he did the same thing last semester & i ended up dropping a few courses, so i wasnt full time & nothing ended up happening. so i wonder what would really happen if they found out? other than drop me.. which i agree, isnt a good thing; but idk what else to do. school is not going well for me right now, point blank.

i’ve been thinking about darrell. & whatever’s whatever. i dont even know why i care, its kind of back to mine & bryan’s relationship; why do i want to put forth an effort into something that the other isnt puting forth an effort into? since i’m pretty much planning on not going to school today, i think i’ll talk to mom, sleep away the day, then wait til crystal gets off work to head up to coralville to give darrell back his stuff. IF he calls that is, if he doesnt, well then he can get his stuff some other time. no loss to me, its his stuff. but anyways, i know i won’t necessarily get to talk to darrell very well that way (if crystal comes with me), but idk.. maybe it’ll be less awkward with crystal there. plus, i dont really feel i need to talk to him any more; now that i have more of a care-free attitude about it. & if i get to the point where i want to say something to him about everything; then i’ll either call him or write him on myspace. its not like its that hard. idk, we’ll see how things go.

THAT is how i need to live my life right now. day-to-day. & yes, it would be so much smarter to have school in it too, but its not working out for me right now. its just now. i’m sorry. i wouldnt mind trying online classes during the summer, but again; we’ll just have to wait & see what happens.

this dropping school right now deal doesnt mean i’m done with school forever. sitting here thining about it, i have every intention in trying school again in the future; its just RIGHT NOW.. things arent looking good with school. i wonder if i should get my certificate & then try getting on full time at the simpson home? not like it’d necessarily be a bad idea, but idk. we’ll just have to wait & see. i also think having m&w off completely might be a good thing for me. because of how overwhelmed i become & how easily.. IDK! i need to talk to my motherrr.

well, thats all thats really on my mind. idk if i’ll try to go to sleep & then wake up when mom does or if i’ll just stay up. because.. i’m not too tired. haha, i seriously think i have some kind of disorder.. this can’t be normal.

anywho, have a good wednesday.

why is this happening? why can’t we go back to how we were? why can’t we just talk about it, without the break? why do we need to go on a break? why did i have to continue questioning your trust? why didn’t i just believe you from the beginning? why, why, why did i have to keep pushing you? why didn’t i know to stop? why didn’t i know that you were going to get fed up with it?

i know i made it seem like i didn’t trust you. i do, i swear i do. especially since you’ve told me so many of your feelings this weekend. i’m sorry i didn’t realize this before, but i wish you could have told me without wanting the break. i can fix this to make us better. i promise.

i promise i will stop nagging on you. i will stop questioning what you do with your friends while you’re up at UNI. i love you & i trust you.

no matter what, you will always have my heart. no matter what.

<333

so i started getting this weird “chilled” feeling on friday night while mom, dad, keira & i went out to eat at el ranchero. i thought maybe it was just because they had the a/c on & it wasn’t too bad out but none the less, i was sitting there shaking so cold. that night i had cold sweats. man i hate those. they’re horrible. you’re so cold you’re covered up in every inch of the blanket you can get, but yet you sweat & ugh, its uncomfortable.

so i called in sick on saturday, i don’t think darryll was happy, but hey, such is life guy. i’ve worked there for the past 5 months & that was the 1st time i called in. i think he also gets mad that i take off some weekends due to seeing bryan, but he knew that was going to happen. i told him this before bryan even left. plus, he just recently got an older lady to start working there, she works 10-2 on both saturday & sunday for some extra money. yet, he still insists on having me work 9-3. working register from 9-10 & then again from 2-3.. all the time in between he has me doing busy work. idk, it doesn’t make sense to me, yes those are usually easy days but come on. he made it sound like the point of hiring her was because i like some weekends off & so does everybody else.. idk.

he told me at the beginning of the school year that if i feel i need less hours because of school than to let him know. okay, so i don’t work all that much but when i am there, he acts like i don’t have anything else in the world to think about/do. he’s okay with me bringing in my homework, but what good is it when i have a customer every few minutes? & sometimes i’m at the register for 20-30 minutes at a time because we get busy. idk, i’m kind of bored with that job but what else is new?

that’s why i know i need to go to school, but school is yet another subject. i’m assuming its just the getting up early but man do i hate going. i think next semester i might try to mix some online classes with regular classes. who knows..

anyways, so today i went to the doc & he looked at my tonsils & goes “wow.” i was like “uhh?” he was like “yeap, you have strep, no doubt about it” ha. interesting..

i just really hope i feel better by friday, because i’m leaving to go see my babyyy.

today we’re 4 1/2 years btw. aww i love that boy. =]

well thats about all, i think i should head to bed. have class in the morning, hopefully i’m feeling better!

<333

so moms been bugging me to write, even saying, “so, do you ever use your blog any more?” haha. i forget sometimes.

so what’s been going on recently..

bryan was home last weekend & it was g-reat. i loved it, i miss being able to just walk into the next room & he’s there. but, such is life i guess.

wednesday i went & got my tongue pierced! =P something i’ve really actually wanted to do since i was about 14, but with braces & all that jazz, it was something that kept getting pushed back further & further. and then i decided that i wanted to surprise bryan with something & so i went & got my tongue pierced. he won’t know i have it until next weekend.. but that’ll be good because hopefully by that time it will be healed. i’m slowly learning how to eat again. its hard tho, i’ve bitten my tongue ring a few times already. but, thats something i’ll have to work with. crystal said i’ll learn how to re-do everything i did before. so we shall see.

i was suppose to work today, but called in because i was having cold sweats last night, it was horrible! i was so cold, so i would cover up, but then i would start sweating within 15-20 minutes. ahh! my head hurt, my throat started hurting again (what is with this? i had this last week too!!) & yes, its true.. it didn’t really help that my tongue was swollen also. plus also sleeping with retainers in, made my mouth rather dry.

well, mom is about to go giving the darling precious baby a bath, so i think i’ll go in & watch. =) looovee that little girl.

<333

tomorrow is the start to a busy week.

monday- i have my math class, 2 hours between that i’ll probably spend at least a half an hour, working on my speech that’s due the next day.. then an hour lecture. come home for a bit, then off to work.
tuesday- up early for oral comm. where my speech is due the next is comp1, off for 3 hours.. so i’ll come back home. than back to class for a 2 hour lab; quiz in that class. get home around 4:15, eat supper with the fam. & then off to do homework.
wednesday- the same 2 classes as monday, work.
thursday- 2 classes in the early morning, get done at 11, work from 1-5 then have class again from 7:30-9 [test].
friday- math again.. huge test that i have to study for in human a&p lecture. then off to work again!
saturday&sunday- days off, bryan’s home.

well, thats the sum of my week in case i don’t happen to update!

getting pretty tired tho, probably do a few more things then off to bed. in MY comfy bed.. not bryan’s futon. muahaha.

goodnight all!

What is the deal with the weather? Really? It’s sending me mixed signals & I don’t like it!

Last week it was mostly chilly, this week so far its been pretty nice.. It’s suppose to be 90 on Friday! & today the high is only suppose to be 79! So its going to jump 11 degrees in 2 days? Geeeeez. I guess the A/C will have to be on, on my way up to Cedar Falls.. don’t want the wind to blow my hair. HA, yeah right.. only kidding about that one.

I actually LOVE having windows down in a car, but not when its humid wind. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about. Its just.. ugh gross.

Oh, how I love weekends.

I actually meant to write this blog yesterday, but dad was ready for bed, so I decided I should too.

Anyway, I think I live for the weekends & I don’t mean that the way most kids, rather adults my age do. I don’t mean it because I go out drinking all the time & just can’t wait for that huge party, where like, totally all my friends are going to be.

 No, forget that. I love weekends because it’s family time. It’s down time. There’s no class, it’s usually not too busy. It’s just time to relax. Time to sleep in & we all know I love my sleep. As of this time, its the only time I see Bryan.. it’s just great.

 & yes, I do love family time, even if I sometimes complain about it. Because I do feel like I have to accomodate when family is here. But that’s just mostly because I don’t understand the ‘need’ to watch TV the whole time.. hello? Ha.. ok. That’s getting off subject, but I LOVE THE WEEKENDS!

So, I don’t remember when the last time I wrote in here was, so I thought I should probably update it.

I don’t really have much coming to mind right now, as I’m sitting here trying to write. Which is extremely weird. Last night I had ALL these things coming to mind about what I could write about, but dad was ready for bed, so I thought I should get off the computer.

So maybe I should have stayed on the computer? But.. oh well; it’ll probably come back to me.

Everythings good in my world.

<333