work.
i like my job for the most part, but now that they need people to work 3rd shift, i feel like i’m always the one getting the shaft.
i feel like they’re taking advantage of me. i worked 14 hours monday, i work 12 hours tonight & then the 8 tmrw. & i work my 8 hour shifts over the weekend too, i’ve already decided i’m not working any more than my 8 hours over the weekend, no matter what. there’s only me & 1 other girl that work more than our 8 hour shifts, nobody else ever volunteers, its ridiculous. so who do they ask? me & brandy, because i feel guilty if i say no.
there’s a spot open for first shift & i called my don to ask if she had talked to the administrator yet about me going to 1st & she hadn’t, but then tried seeing if i would come in earlier than 6. i said i would see what i could do but i wanted to say, “really lady? find somebody else to do it.” because this is getting old quick & i’m going to get burnt out even quicker. ahhh.
“she’s ‘just’ the water girl”
So, mom’s been hounding me to write, so I figured I probably should.
I took a college class my senior year of HS, I ended up earning 10 college credits for that one class. My teacher was the type that you could go to if you ever had a problem & she’d be more than willing to help you. Whether it was with class work, or problems at home; she always sent that vibe that she was ready to take on whatever challenge you threw at her.
Although she taught me a lot in the 9 months I had class with her, there’s always this one thing that will stick out. She’d always correct us girls every time we said, “When I’m a nurse & not ‘just’ a CNA..” she’d always say, “Never say ‘just’, forget the word even exists, you’re not ‘just’ anything, you’re a CNA & that in itself is something to be proud of.”
Anyways, going on with my story, I was in a resident’s room the other day at work filling water pitchers with fresh water & ice & one of the residents was asking why her toothbrush & toothpaste had been moved off the side of the sink, where she had always kept it. And her daughter was in the room & she goes, “Oh, its fine mom, I’ll look for it, she’s ‘just’ the water girl.”
Although I didn’t say anything, I was really kind of upset at first. ‘Just’ the water girl? Where does she come off saying that? One, I am a CNA & proud to be at that. And two, the word, ‘just’ had gotten to me; Even if I was the water girl, is that not satisfying enough for you? It seemed like she was sort of talking down to me.. ‘just the water girl’. Pff. I continued filling water pitchers & couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. & then later that day, one of the nurses was talking about a facility she worked in.. “But back then, I was ‘just’ a CNA..” & I couldn’t help but keep thinking about what our teacher had taught us.
Nobody in my eyes, is ‘just’ anything. “She’s ‘just’ a 2 year old, she’ll learn.” But that two year old is quite cute & you don’t know what you’d do without her, do you?
I don’t know.. JUST something I’ve been thinking about.. 
writing..
mom says i need to write, so i suppose i’ll write. yes, 2 weeks after she’s told me to. =]
not much is really going on with me though, i work about 65 hours every 2 wks & when i’m not working, i’m with jesse.
things are going great with both work & jesse. work, i love my job; but i hate the fact that we’re always short-staffed. it just makes everything that much harder & i feel bad for the residents because they’re not getting that 1 on 1 time that they need. there’s rarely ever a time that i see my job as a ‘job’ but more so that i’m just helping people out & getting paid for it too.
jesse.. things are great with jesse. he treats me sooo good & we get along pretty good for the most part. sometimes we have stupid little arguments, but i think every couple does. we’ve officially accomplished our 1 month as of yesterday.. longest relationship i’ve been in since bryan.. HA!
speaking of bryan.. i’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. idk why really.. well i do know why; because this past wednesday the 9th, would have been our 5 year anniversary. BUT i’m saying idk why, is because idk why i’m letting it get to me, he’s got his gf, i’ve got jesse, things are GREAT with jesse. but i guess i just wonder where we’d be now & because we have so many memories together. i actually just dreamt about him last night. i had a dream that he came back for the summer & he asked if he could talk to me, alone. & that we did end up talking & he told me how much he wanted to be back together with me & how he had missed me so much, but couldnt find a way to tell me bc he was with his gf & i’m with jesse. IDK what that dream was suppose to mean, but it got me thinking..
what else, what else? i think crystal’s first baby appt is on the 16th. idk what you find out this early on, but i hope she’s preggo with a boy! i hope i hope. i want a nephew!
tomorrow.. i’m going shopping with jill & steph so steph can have me & jill shop for what she wants us to wear to her wedding since we’re her personal attendents. i’m excited, i love being all dressed up & pretty! obviously i wont compare to steph in her wedding dress, but still; i can’t wait!
..i think thats about all thats new with me.
i have to write, i’m thinking too much.
here it is.. 1:30 in the morning & i have so much on my mind. why can’t people (like my mom, because thats really who i’d like to talk to right now..) be more un-normal & be up with me during these times of the night?!
right now, i could actually care less about darrell; well i do, but i don’t. i just want to stop having any feeling toward him at all. maybe us not being friends would be for the better. i dont even know if what i’m saying even makes sense right now.
i.. really want to drop out of school. even though that could quite possibly be the stupidest thing ever. especially right now. but i do. i’ve done messed up & gotten myself too far behind in 3/4 of my classes. especially in comp2, there’s probably no way i’d pass that class this semester, even if i started trying now. & the same with intro to philosophy. intro to psych i could probably still pass, but lets face it; i’m not into school, school isn’t interesting to me right now.
its one of those types of things that you have to WANT to do or else you’re not going to do it. its bad, i know.. trust me, i know. i know that i’m letting a bunch of people down right now, i know i’m making an ass of myself. honestly.. who can’t handle a community college? other than myself. i just feel like i need time for myself right now. i think i need to find ME. find out who i am.. find out what i want to do w/ my life. because yes, ideally, i’d love to be a nurse; but honestly.. come on. is that really me? is that really what I want to do? i have no idea.. i’m just going off of that because thats what i wanted in high school. what i also wanted in high school was for me & bryan to be together forever & look where that got me.
i know the 1st thing mom is going to say to me, “emily.. you need college. do you really want to be a janitor for the rest of your life?” & no, hell no thats not what i want. but i dont want to do something that i’m not even trying for or even caring about right now either. right now.. i need to focus on myself & work. the person i’m afraid of disappointing the most tho.. is my dad. i can just see him rolling his eyes, then saying something to my mom about how much money i’ve wasted & how i’m throwing my life away. goddd. now i’m getting all teary-eyed, this sucks.
i dont want to be a college-dropout. i always told mom & dad when i was growing up that i’d be the 1st kid in the family to successfully finish both high school & college. but lets face it, i’m not completeing college successfully at all. i’m not even trying. theres times when i dont even care. you know what i enjoy the most about going to class? the interaction with other people. i don’t really like listening to the teacher talk, i’m usually not interested in what they’re saying.. i sit in class & text most of the time. why? because school is boring to me.
I KNOW.. i NEED it to find a decent job but for right now.. i’m okay being an NA at the local nursing home. for right now, i’m okay with making $8 an hour or whatever it is i’m making. because right now the only bills i have are my car payment & my credit card bill. yes, i owe mom & dad money, but its not like me going to college now is going to get them the money any faster. they’ll have the money before i’d even finish. & i can promise that. to tell you the truth, they’ll have the money here in about 4-6 weeks. GUARANTEED. as long as i can pay them & my bills too, they’ll get it here soon.
idk, i feel like a bad person. because i know i’m letting a shit ton of people down. but i just can’t do it. like i said earlier, i need to find myself. i need to be stable in my life before i can take on something like school. seriously.. you’ve seen my emotions go thru this. what is wrong w/ me? i’m a complete mess.
..i wanted to try online classes. figured it’d be easier on me, pretty much having like 2 weeks to do a few assignments, doing them when i wanted to.. not have a set time to get up & do them. THAT would be the type of school for me. i know its not really structured & maybe some structure is what i need in my life, but i can’t do it. its not happening.
maybe i also need more responsibility & i wouldnt be this way. maybe.. if i had my own place & didnt take mom & dad for granted, then maybe i’d have a more structured life and have more of a well-being. IDK, i dont get it, i dont understand what i’m suppose to do w/ my life, i dont know what i want in life. i just dont know.
..this is getting depressing.
fainting at work today.
soo.. i woke up today around 11ish, 11:30.. whenever it was that kay texted me, i dont really remember. so i got a good night’s rest, i came upstairs & got on the computer, like i do every day. checked around on a few things, checked my e-mail, checked my fb, my myspace.. so that took me awhile. i decided to call crystal before i got something to eat because i was going to eat cereal & i knew if i called her after i had already poured the milk, then i wouldn’t be able to eat & it would just get soggy. so i called her, but she didnt pick up; but i was starving hungry, so i got myself some cereal anyway.
crystal called when i had eaten about 1/3 of my cereal, but i picked up anyway, because i didnt figure we’d be on the phone too long. we ended up talking on the phone for 35 minutes. A LOT longer than i expected us to talk, but anyways, obviously the 2/3s of my cereal that was left, was pretty soggy at this point. & it was already 1:05 & i still hadn’t brushed my teeth or showered yet. so i just poured my soggy cereal into the toilet bowl & flushed it. not thinking about how hungry i’d be later on. but then i ended up grabbing a small package of donuts just in case, because i thought i’d be able to eat those & it’d fill me up til suppertime.
i got to work, work went well for the first hour & a 1/2. i didnt feel hungry, i felt kind of dizzy at times, but i didnt really think anything of it. me & this girl i work with, lily, started talking about how hungry we were & how tired we were & how work was really the last place we wanted to be. i helped her get a few residents ready for supper, she helped me; then i went in w/ sandra to get a resident up & ready to go..
i remember at this point feeling pretty dizzy & having to stop & hold onto the ez lift on my way into the room to keep me up. after a few seconds of resting on it, i felt fine. i had also just eaten 1 of those mini donuts that i had brought along. we get 1 of the residents up, decide we should probably put her on the toilet before we change her & get her ready.. we were in the bathroom & i was running the ez lift machine & started to feel extremely dizzy, i actually remember looking at myself in the mirror & my eyesight was really fuzzy, i couldn’t concentrate on looking at myself. then sandra all of a sudden says, “are you ok? you look really pale.” i was like “do i really?” then the next thing i know, i remember my knees hitting the floor, then falling over to my side & hitting my head on the bathroom floor.
i don’t even remember the actual fall. i remember falling from my knees to my side & then hitting my head. but not the actual fall. i then remember, it seemed like only seconds later.. hearing sandra say, “omgosh, are you ok? here, come sit in this chair” & me getting myself up off the floor & sitting in the resident’s wheelchair. sandra said it seemed like 2 minutes before i even responded to her, but to me; it seemed like seconds. this i don’t remember, but sandra said that i had also gotten up off the floor on my own (i thought she had helped me); but i got up without her help & then sat in the wheelchair. i remember sitting there & hearing sandra say, “i’m going to put on my call light. i hope somebody comes quick to help you!!” then lily walking in & sandra telling lily to get the nurse. (idk why, but i also remember in this time.. eating 1/2 of 1 of those mini donuts, haha.)
the nurse then came in, asked me & sandra both what we remember. the nurse had lily go & get me a big glass of OJ & then the nurse took my vitals. the nurse took my pulse right away. she said i felt really clamy, said i was sweating & that i looked extremely pale. i just sat there, i didnt know what to do. lily came with the OJ & i remember taking a few big gulps. the nurse took my vitals & asked me if i was diabetic. i said no. i dont remember the actual BP, but my blood pressure was 100 over something. i don’t remember the bottom number; alls i remember is that my bp was extremely low. & then the nurse asking if it was usually that low & me responding with a quick “no.”
then, she asked me if i could get up out of the w/c because she wanted me to go sit in the nurse’s station; i said i thought i could. & i did. i remember walking down the hall & feeling the back of my pants. i must have really been sweating because it felt like i had peed my pants. (gross!) she had me sit in the office & finish the rest of my OJ. then 1 of the other cnas came in & brought me 1/2 of a roast beef sandwhich. i remember being kind of confused & her saying (which seemed really fast to me), “is this ok? is roast beef ok? i dont know if you like it or not, i just told them to give me a sandwhich, any sandwhich.” i remember laughing at her & being like, “yeah roast beef is good.” haha.
..i sat there & ate my sandwhich, it took me a good 10 minutes to finish half a sandwhich. then i went in to feed. when i got done feeding & was pushing residents out of the dining room, i remember feeling dizzy again; so i’d just rest where i was. when my break time came, i got a bunch of food. i was just thinking, any type of food has got to be good. i just need food. when i got into the breakroom & started eating, NONE of the food tasted good. it all tasted really gross to me. i even got another class of OJ thinking the vitamins would be really good for me. i only drank about half of the oj, because that too tasted gross. these were foods i’d normally enjoy; like salsbury steak, mashed potatos & gravy, bean&bacon soup, apple crisp for dessert. but it all tasted really gross. then i decided i should probably get a mt. dew to get all the sugars out of it. figured that’d help me out a lot. even the mt. dew tasted gross, i didnt get it.
..the mt. dew ended up making me pretty hyper. haha, but then i went to help lift a resident & i started getting dizzy again. anyways, i know this is long; but me & sandra ended up deciding that i obviously fainted because i didnt get much to eat. & that the stinch of the urine smell of the resident probably didnt help at all.
so. what lesson did emily learn today at work? EAT before trying to do a physical job, where lifting is involved, 8 hour shift.
kind of the crappy way to do it, but man; it sure was a lesson learned. i dont want to feel like that ever again!!
thinking about thinking.
ever think you think too much?
..like i think, i think too much about the whole bryan thing. the whole darrell ordeal. how many people honestly think that they think TOO much? it just seems weird..
also, i can’t help but be anxious for friday to see what i find out. if its a no go, then i’m going to feel kind of dumb, i think. just because i’m so into it. idk how to explain it.
..also, i’m always tired. i wish school was cancelled tomorrow (even tho theres no reason for it to be) but all i want to do is sleep. i fell asleep around 12:30 am on tuesday morning, woke up around 10:30 because mom texted me, then fell back asleep til 11:30. it wasnt even 1 o’clock yet & i was already yawning. now its about 12:15 am on wednesday morning & i’m SO tired, but i’m doing so much thinking that i dont think i’d be able to sleep. even tho i’m extremely tired. but yet i know i should be going to bed because i’m going to have to get up at 9:30 to get ready & head to school.
..tomorrow night, i plan on just sitting at home w/ the fam. even tho that use to & still does seem kind of boring.. not because i’m with family but because we’ll just be sitting here watching tv.. but it’ll be so relaxing. but its also 1 of those deals, that if darrell just happened to call me or something, i’d be hyped up in a minute.. ready to do whatever, no matter how tired i am. seems weird, really..
i think.. i just can’t wait til this wkend; no school, no work. ahh, it’ll be nice. i even get PAID on friday! i also have a meeting tho.. boo.
my week the rest of the week:
wednesday- sleep, school 11-3, come home.
thursday- sleep, work 2-10
friday- sleep, appointment at 11:20, meeting at 1:30, PAY DAY.
..ohh i’m thinking too much, i should probably head to bed tho. goodnight.
the new job.
i pretty much completely love my new job. i’m working as an na, i hoped to be a cna sooner then what its happening, but thats going to happen.
they had me training for 5 days, today was my 1st day by myself. i’ll admit, i was a little overwhelmed with everything right at first. i was scared to answer call lights by myself, because what if they wanted something & i felt i couldnt help them without somebody else being there too? but i did pretty good i think.
i felt so bad tho.. this one lady had her call light on & when i walked in, i said “yes (her name), what can i get for you?” & she goes “omg, did you not see my call light on?” i said, “yeah, thats why i’m here now” she goes, “come on, its been on for a long time now, why are you just now coming in here?”. i tried to calmly say, “we’re busy, i was busy helping somebody else” & she goes “i dont care! my light has been on for an extremely long time!!” & i was like “honestly.. come on, we were busy.” haha. i got so impatient but then i felt bad, because all she wanted me to do was read her a letter her daughter had written her. 
it was sad.. & i felt so bad.
i’m never going to put my parents in a nursing home, idc how annoying (sorry mom) or how much work they seem to be. i’m not doing it, i couldn’t. you know how many people put their parents in nursing homes just so they can get on with their lives & forget about them completely? thats so freaking horrible. the other day.. the nurse made me tell this lady that she couldn’t call her daughter because of the ice on the phone lines. that somehow, our phones wouldnt let us call out because of the ice. HONESTLY.. how horrible. but the nurses said that because this lady’s daughter had called work & pretty much reemed 1 of the nurse’s because they let this 1 lady call her too much. idk how somebody could honestly do that to 1 of their parents.
..ughh. idk, i love knowing that i’m helping somebody tho; its great.
another thing that makes me mad..
i’m sorry, but this just pisses me off royally.
a few weeks back, mom said that if i didnt do something about finding my certificate from kirkwood that i was going to “mess things up” with becoming a cna. it pissed me off at the time & i know she knows it, because she ended up calling me & apologizing about it later.
& now its almost midnight & i have to be up at 5:30 tomorrow morning to get ready & make it up to davenport by 7:30 in the morning to take my tests & dad wakes up & asks what time it is.. i reply, “almost midnight” & he says, “you’re not going to make it, theres no way”. thanks for the faith, thanks a lot.
..i AM going to make it there in the morning. i feel like everybody’s giving up on me. i’m not a fucking failure, i know what i have to do. if i dont pass the skills tomorrow, i’m not going to blame it on any body but myself, but i do think if i dont pass them its because i havent done most of them in so long.
have a little faith in me, i’m 18 years old, i’m young & i do stupid things sometimes, but that doesn’t mean i’m a mess-up. i know dad didn’t mean it in that way at all, but seriously.. thats how it came across & i can’t help but be mad about it.
i’m just so overwhelmed with everything thats going on in my life right now. working 8 hour days for the first time ever, knowing that i need to start concentrating on school, things with darrell & i have people that come to me with their problems like i’m suppose to fix them somehow. i can’t do it all, i just want a vacation or something. i just want people to be happier, i myself want to be happier. i want darrell back in my life, even if that means just as friends & only hanging out once a week. i mean, i dont know thats not going to happen, but i bet it doesnt happen that way. and on top of everything else, its february, pretty much the most depressing month ever. i freaking miss ben, i dont understand why things happen the way they do.
..i just want things to be easier. theres a saying that says, “you only have the life you live because God knows you’re strong enough to get through it”, but idk.. its just hard right now. idk what i need, but i need something to happen so that i’m not feeling this way any more. i’ve been feeling this way pretty much ever since darrell decided we should stop hanging out so much; & the other things just happen to fall in place too.
idk, i dont get it. but i need to get some sleep before i take those tests tomorrow. wish me good luck. (good luck!) because i have a feeling i’ll need it.
<//3
new job.
..just thought i’d write quick before i go to bed.
so i got a new job, working at the simpson home again. i really did enjoy working there when i worked in the kitchen but because of 1 of the main cooks, i quit. she just rubbed me the wrong way & did everything she could to piss me off.. almost like it was her job. ha, anyways..
i applied as an NA & today was my first day. it was a lot of fun, i think i’m really going to like it. i felt like i was in clinicals all over again. just knowing that i’m helping the elderly out is really going to be good for me, i think. i’m working 2nd shift there & so the hours are from 2-10. i was kind of skeptical because i didnt know how i’d feel working 8 hour shifts because i haven’t done it since back when i worked at jack&jill. but time really flew by. the only time that drug by was towards the end but that was because i was getting so tired & most of the residents were in bed, so there was only a limit to what i could do. so we sat up in the ‘living room’ area & watched “the biggest loser” & parts of law & order. ha.
but anyways, i just really think i’ll like it. & i know the money is going to come in handy too. =]
i’m mainly writing this so mom can read this in the morning & know how my day went before i get the chance to talk to her so i’ll add this lil bit in here too..
when a lot of the cnas i was working with found out my last name they were like “omg! your mom use to work here!” & then like 3 people asked me what she was up to now & couldnt believe i was her daughter. ha, it was weird. but it was funny too.
anyways, i’m getting pretty tired & hungry too.. i just thought i’d update this so mom could read it in the morning.
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