in the shade through it all.
to make a long story short, i went up to CR tonight.. to eventually see jesse.
we didnt really talk at first, so we sent texts back & forth because he was being an ass. finally, i got through to him & told him that i really just wanted to talk to him; & threw in the ‘please’ too. after that text, he said “ok fine. we’ll go talk after this fight is over.” (we were watching ufc at bww’s.) when the fight was over, he texted me, “lets go” so we got up & went out to his explorer.
RIGHT away, jesse had that smirk on his face, his “i’m going to say idc but inside, i do” smirk. so right away, i knew he had plenty going through his mind. –hold on. darryl worley- i miss my friend is on.. 1 of my songs to jesse at the moment. UGH.– anyways, we got to his truck & after him being dumb, saying he didnt know what my deal was, blah blah. he finally let his guard down & said the main reason he broke up with me was because i didnt trust him. that he wasn’t bryan or darrell & he wasnt going to cheat on me or break up with me for somebody else. also that i take the littlest things & make them out to be something huge. especially when he’s talking to his friends, that are girls. & i have to agree; things i’ve gotten mad about have been pretty innocent, but i get to thinking & just assume he’s going to do something that bryan’s done.
then we left bww’s. i went with jesse & he wanted taco bell, so i went with him. after awhile, he made me tell him why exactly it was that i wanted to be with him. he told me how hard it was for him to sit there at the same table as me at bww’s because he hates that we’re not together & its really hard for him to be away from me. he continued to tell me that he loves me & wants to be with me, but he doesnt want us to keep arguing & go back to how we were towards the end of our relationship.
then, we leave. & i’m all down & everything. he notices, tells me to call him tmrw night & we can talk about what we’re going to do relationship-wise. that he thought we both needed the extra day to completely think about what we want & how we feel. he dropped me off at my car, our song (james otto- just got started loving you) came on & right away, i asked him to turn it & i covered my face.. i was seriously about ready to just start bawling. he says he’s sorry & changes the music. tells me to text him when i get home, so that he knows i got home safely. & tells me he loves me, looks at me for the longest time, then kisses me; a long kiss on the lips. then looks at me again & kisses me again. “love you” & “see ya” and i get in my own car.
i’m scared, nervous, excited, crushed. idk what to do. i hope he realizes he wants to be with me. i know i HAVE to stop with my whole jealousy thing. mom’s beem telling me since the beginning. ahh its hard. but i have to if i want this to work.
i hope i hope. <3
heartbroken.. again.
so i havent written in quite awhile, but jesse & i are no longer together.. its a confusing situation really.
when jesse first broke up with me i didnt take it very hard.. bc i thought that was what i wanted too, but now that we’ve been broken up for awhile now & i havent seen him in a week, its becoming a lot harder. when i’m out i think about how its not so bad, because i have time with friends, i dont have somebody texting me all the time wanting to know what i’m up to & who i’m with.. but now that its no longer here, i want it back.
i ALWAYS do this. & i know its not all my fault, people are going to tell me the samethings they told me with bryan. i know everybodys just trying to help, but i’m 19 years old. i think i can make my own decisions.. ya know?
i know i put myself into a relationship way too much. its almost like i do it, knowing that the outcome is more than likely not going to be a good one, but you can’t seriously base your dating on that. me & jesse were doing amazing there for awhile. we always laughed, always had fun. but then it was like we spent too much time together, so we got bored of eachother & we picked fights with eachother just for something to do. i know it sounds stupid, but thats exactly how it was.
jesse told me once, “you know.. i was sitting here thinking about how we always argue. & how i can change it, but then i realized that that’s just us. thats just how we are, we argue, we get over it, we’re us again. thats what we do.” & he’s so right. thats what we do, we’re both stubborn, always think we’re right & always want the last word. thats US.
jesse told me all these things & what he wants.. & i’m trying to accept it. right now, he wants space.. its so freaking hard. im going to try not talking to him until he talks to me first.. like i did with bryan. but with jesse, unlike with bryan.. i know jesse misses me. he’ll randomly text me.. he’ll tell me where he’s at, or what he’s doing. or how just yesterday, we hadnt talked all day & he sent me a text saying, “love you”. i sent him one back saying, “love you most.” bc thats something we always use to say to eachother. & he replied with, “you wish you loved me more than i do you”. thats us. thats me & jesse.
i know, ppl think im setting myself up to get hurt again like i did with bryan. i really hope things are different & me n jesse will get back together. thats what i want. but you know.. if it doesnt happen, its not like i cant get over it, i have before.. i will again. its just a shitty thing to go thru.
dad told me earlier, “well emily, we talked last week & this is what you wanted. you wanted to be single & have your own fun.” thats what i THOUGHT i wanted; thats why i wasnt going to break up with jesse, bc i had the same feelings before while dating bryan. i thought i would rather have been single, but then i’d stick it out & realize.. “this really is what i want, i wouldnt change it for anything”.
my song to jesse has been, “miss me baby” by chris cagle ever since he broke up with me. actually.. before he even did. he knew it too. & now today, i get on msn just to see if theres anybody on worth talking to & jesse’s on with just his display name, which is his last name. then next to my display name, “emily” i write.. “i need to be strong. because things WILL get better. it might be stormy now, but the rain won’t last forever..” & then after a bit, i notice jesse is no longer online. then a lil window pops up that jesse’s online again & it has his last name as his display name plus, “miss me baby..”.
so what does that mean? does it mean he misses me & thats how hes going to show it? or what.. i dont get it. i wish i could read people’s minds, life would be so much easier. ughh. i love him & i dont want to be hurt again..
things are great..
..for me! i love how pretty much everything is going in my life right now!!
jesse & i are doing great. i spent most of the wkend at home, so i got to spend some time with the parents. i got a fat paycheck on friday. i went shopping saturday. kay & i are finally talking again!! & everything seems to be back to ‘normal’ with us. i love my job ..stessful at times, but i still love it!
so i went shopping on saturday & i wear a size FIVE in jeans now. thats pretty much amazing, i’ve always been a size 7 when i was thinner, last year at this time i was a size 11!!! its insane. i weighed myself friday morning & i weigh 136 even. i’m STOKED.
so thats whats been going on with me.
=]
update on the throat.
i’m getting my tonsils removed may 8th.
..9 days before mike & steph’s wedding. boy do i hope i’m feeling better by then! i’m most idk, paranoid i guess.. that i’m going to lose weight before the wedding. & i love my dress, i love the way my dress looks on me & i really don’t want to look too thin for it. or be too weak for the wedding.
i just hope i can eat normal & all that by then. i probably won’t be able to.. i told jesse that he’s going to have to make special trips to mickey d’s for shakes pretty much every day so that i can at least eat something. haha.
i’m not even going to be able to eat lunch for mother’s day! geez, what a bad time to get my tonsils removed. 
why?
ever just wonder ‘why’? i do.. a lot, it seems.
i wonder why about a lot of things, but lately i wonder the most about why i do this to myself.
WHY do i think about bryan when i have somebody that loves me as much as jesse does? its not even really that i miss bryan, its more that i kind of miss how we were. what i thought we had. idk. things are going great with jesse, i seriously probably couldn’t ask for things to be any better, but why does bryan always pop into my head? the times i think about him the most are when i’m driving to or from CR.. usually on my way home, just because my mind waunders when i’m driving. i think about a lot of things.
its probably because jesse’s my 1st serious relationship after my relationship with bryan. like sometimes, the things jesse says remind me of what bryan had said. or when we’re listening to music & a part comes up that jesse feels is how he feels towards me, he’ll squeeze my hand. & sometimes those are songs that me & bryan had talked about. IDK. its annoying me, really. point blank, thats what its doing to me. i dont know why i care, i don’t know why it matters.
everything happens for a reason, bryan & i didn’t work out for a reason. jesse may be the reason, he may not be. THATS ANOTHER THING!
..sad but true. i feel as though, i don’t always put my all into me & jesse. & i feel really bad because i know this really upsets him.. but especially right at the beginning of our relationship, i really liked jesse. but i kept telling myself, “if it doesnt work out, it won’t ruin me; bc it just didnt work”. kind of like i don’t put emotion into it. when i know i do, because i love jesse, i really do. & i know if we broke up, i think i’d be really upset, but then parts of me think i’d be like, ‘ehh, ok’.
idk what my deal is.
my throat
..IS KILLING ME!!!
i hate it. im sick & tired of it. literally.
hopefully mom can get me an appointment tomorrow to figure out what the heck the deal is. i can barely open my mouth without feeling like my left tonsil is being split wide open. its horrible.
that & it took me a half an hour to eat HALF a sandwhich. thats how bad it is, bc 1. i cant open my mouth & 2. its so hard to swollow! ughh.
i know, pity emily.. haha. but i just really hope we can figure out whats wrong with me this time around. because i’d really love to be able to feel ‘normal’ again. =/
writing..
mom says i need to write, so i suppose i’ll write. yes, 2 weeks after she’s told me to. =]
not much is really going on with me though, i work about 65 hours every 2 wks & when i’m not working, i’m with jesse.
things are going great with both work & jesse. work, i love my job; but i hate the fact that we’re always short-staffed. it just makes everything that much harder & i feel bad for the residents because they’re not getting that 1 on 1 time that they need. there’s rarely ever a time that i see my job as a ‘job’ but more so that i’m just helping people out & getting paid for it too.
jesse.. things are great with jesse. he treats me sooo good & we get along pretty good for the most part. sometimes we have stupid little arguments, but i think every couple does. we’ve officially accomplished our 1 month as of yesterday.. longest relationship i’ve been in since bryan.. HA!
speaking of bryan.. i’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. idk why really.. well i do know why; because this past wednesday the 9th, would have been our 5 year anniversary. BUT i’m saying idk why, is because idk why i’m letting it get to me, he’s got his gf, i’ve got jesse, things are GREAT with jesse. but i guess i just wonder where we’d be now & because we have so many memories together. i actually just dreamt about him last night. i had a dream that he came back for the summer & he asked if he could talk to me, alone. & that we did end up talking & he told me how much he wanted to be back together with me & how he had missed me so much, but couldnt find a way to tell me bc he was with his gf & i’m with jesse. IDK what that dream was suppose to mean, but it got me thinking..
what else, what else? i think crystal’s first baby appt is on the 16th. idk what you find out this early on, but i hope she’s preggo with a boy! i hope i hope. i want a nephew! 
tomorrow.. i’m going shopping with jill & steph so steph can have me & jill shop for what she wants us to wear to her wedding since we’re her personal attendents. i’m excited, i love being all dressed up & pretty! obviously i wont compare to steph in her wedding dress, but still; i can’t wait!
..i think thats about all thats new with me.
what i want to say.
mom- thank you so much for the talk we had today.. i needed it; you’re the one that keeps me going, makes me realize why things happen & what i need to do to prepare for what might come. i love you so much. i dont know what i’d honestly do without you. just thought i’d let you know.. bc i dont think i tell you often enough.
jesse- we’ve only been dating for the past 2 1/2 weeks & already, things are amazing with you. i get this amazing feeling when i see that its you calling or you thats texting. i still get this incredible feeling when i get to your appt & you’re outside waiting for me to let me in. i truly can say that i love you & i can really see us having a future together. i love when you talk about how i make you feel & how you want to & can see us together for a long time. i especially loved the one time when you told me, “emily, i can’t promise that i’ll never hurt you.. because i know there’s going to be times when i’m going to do or say something that’s going to hurt you.. but i can promise you that i’ll never intentionally hurt you.” i love when i get those cute lil texts from you that say, “gosh baby, you’re so amazing”, “you make me feel complete”, “you’re my world” or when you just out of the blue text me while i’m at work & say, “i love you”. just lets me know that you’re thinking about me just as much as i’m thinking about you. i hope things continue going great with us; i just really hope that i dont start to take you for granted.. bc thats the last thing i want to do. also, i love how you give me pjs to wear & when i come out of your room wearing them, you look at me with that little cute smile & say, “you look beautiful baby”. its the little things you do & say that mean the most. <3
kay- ughh. why can’t we just talk & be mature? honestly.. come on. we’re 19 years old, we’re not in hs any more. i can honestly say that i’ve been pretty “okay” these past couple weeks not talking to you. but then there’s times when i really get to thinking & i miss you, your friendship, the way we could talk about anything. just everything, the fun we use to have.. the way we could go a week or so without talking at all & then we’d hangout & BAM, everything would be completely normal & it’d be like we had been talking the whole time. i hope someday you can seriously get over this whole ordeal & be okay with me & jesse. you have chris & he ADORES you.. seriously, don’t take something like that for granted. i did, for the longest time.. i took bryan for granted so much; then look what happened.. just think about it. don’t be selfish, seriously.. just take a break & look at everything from the outside. i want us to be friends again, maybe we wont be as good of friends as we use to be right at first.. but we can climb up to that point; & who knows.. maybe someday we will.
everything happens for a reason, no matter what people say.. i truly believe that.
everything happens for a reason, maybe we won’t know why today.. but eventually; it’ll all make sense. <3
things on my mind..
i think i think too much. have i ever said this before? because its so true.
..its 1 in the morning, which means i’m back to keeping myself awake all night just because i think all the time.
they say everything happens for a reason & i’m a BIG believer in this.. i really am. i just don’t get certain things.
i’ve been thinking so much about the past, the present, the future.. just everything. its like i want to live my life day-by-day but technically.. does anybody really do this? isn’t everybody really planning for the future? like.. you go to work, because you know you’re going to have bills that need payed. or you go to school.. because you know eventually you’ll have a better paying job, which will give you the money you need to pay bills. the first house you buy is a big house.. because eventually, in the future.. you’ll need it for your family. you buy a 4door car, with spacious room, because its more convenient..
wow, i dont know. but thats only half of whats on my mind.
to emily:
so kay wrote this “blog” about me.. its adorable. i freaking love her, idk what i’d do without her.. here it is:
To the person who has always been there for me no matter what. Supported me in whatever i do. The only person who texts me every day, even if its just to say hi. The girl who tells me everything even if it might hurt my feelings, but is for my own good. She has never lied to me. Has always kept our SECRETS, secret. The only person i take constructive critiscm from, and used it to my advantage. The only person who i can go out to eat with, but not even eat that much because were too busy talking. The strongest willed girl ive ever met. Shes been done wrong, but shes made herself right out of the situation, no matter what it is. I dont know where i would be without her. During the tough times, shes lifted me up with her good advice. And i know ive done the same for her. The only person i will go to the bathroom with when im drunk. The only person ive ever rode in a car with and pretended markers and bottles were microphones and sung to “no scrubs” from TLC. Good times. The only person i would have shared my senior prom with, i wouldnt take back any of it for the world. The only person i enjoy taking pictures with even if it is just me and her…just for random, nothing special. The girl who talks to my mom, and probably could talk to her about anything. Ok not anything, that stuff she tells me but you know what i mean. I probably think about her everyday, why-ever it might be. The only person that will ride in her car or her with mine, even though weve almost killed each other a bigillion times. And we just laugh about it. Almost hitting a bunch of deer,l about 7 of them on our way to tyson’s house. Ive never seen that many, up close before, but i was with her. Shes the only person that knows somethings up even if i say “nothing”.
***Ill keep adding on, were gunna have lots more to come.
“Im gunna be here forever, so he just better get used to it”….”Like i said, your gunna be my maid of honor, in my wedding…” ….”Aw when are you going to get married???? Im already excited!!!”
^^ you can’t deny that that is the cutest thing ever. i had no idea she was even going to write it, it made my day when i read it.
